Samizdat

Every individual that sparks a conversation presents to you a prompt to which you respond. The entire point of the prompts is for you to tell them what they want to hear, not to adhere to the principle of truth or engage in deep or critical thought, no, but to ensure convenience and ease in an otherwise harsh and rough life. Mirroring behavior is far superior in this regard.

I'm out of the military. Everything has been going to plan and I adjust my variables accordingly. I've endured much pain and learned many lessons that I wish my family had the skill and kindness to teach me far earlier in life. Here I am still picking up the shattered pieces today.

Nobody else matters but you.

On the bright side, I was given the opportunity to file for an early separation from the USAF in lieu of refusing to inject myself with Dr. Fauci's lethal cocktail. I had already filed for religious exemption which wasn't guaranteed to work but would delay the process until better opportunities just like this one came. I took it. Saw it as a gift from my commander. I took part in zero debates regarding the vaccine or COVID in the two years it's been around, because my actions should speak for themselves. I'm an actor, and I guess a good one because I've slipped by covering my true thoughts and intentions this whole time. Most can't tell what constitutes good acting anyway.

I still don't believe in God. I believe in the falsifiability of Man. The systems he creates are always flawed. I have more faith in civilizational collapse than the preservation of false hopes. We must be real and solemn in our endeavors.

My application was approved, so now it will take 8 weeks to process and get final approval. I will be honorably discharged. I faced seemingly insurmountable odds, this giant called the Department of Defense. But I'd be tooting my horn too early by saying this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel at least. Stay cool. Stay calm. My struggle.

It hurt so bad I had to turn it off.

I've noticed that whenever I try to write about something painful that one of the characters goes through, I am hesitant at writing it now. I almost want to get sick trying to describe it. My story is no longer fiction to me. I have seen and participated in some shit while serving. It's not combat-related, but it was something I was ordered to do for the past three months. Children were hurt. That, plus what's coming out of Afghanistan is sheer suffering and tragedy and for nothing. Already it was the most demoralizing war America has waged and now the enemy has to rub it our faces some more.

The stuff I write about hit differently now. I used to write from the heart, stuff I had read before and believed would happen in theory, but when I see that same stuff happen before my eyes, not only can I delineate it with richer denser phrasing and fill in some plot holes, but I realize that I'm starting to write from pure personal experience. It's terrifying. It's like shoving Joe Galloway a gun and telling him to shoot with bullets instead of his camera.

Only if you’re skill sucks because you’re a newbie and you’re still learning. You’ll get there.

But the content and contexts of the art you publish? That shit is created beyond your control, by the audience, whether you intended for it to be interpreted in a certain way or left to the imagination.

Imagine publishing something you drew in charcoal on Twitter and some guy pops in your feed all flustered about how it’s somehow racist. You may have never intended for your art to be like that at all. That’s entirely their interpretation. Because other people may not share the same view of your art.

Maybe because I don’t want to suffer in agony a painful botched suicide, because I know I’ll fuck up. I’m numb to the world. I have nobody to vent to. I’ve repressed and compartmentalized everything else. Food and water’s the only things keeping me going. It’s that bad. My job is soulless. I’m probably autistic because I’ve never been able to connect to people on a deeper level for years, or maybe I’m suffering from the same shit everyone else is.