mass and choose it

hand drawing practice with Trinity Santos!

REFERENCES BELOW

(this came out of a conversation in the comments on a previous post about an author threatening to stop updating a fic because of lack of engagement)

So there’s this idea that fic writers should write for themselves and not care too much about stats or engagement,

and i totally get the sentiment behind that. if writing becomes entirely about stats and external validation, something important does get lost - creative freedom and joy, conviction in your own writing

but i also think:

“i write for myself, but i post for others.”

because posting fic is not only self-expression. it’s social. ao3 is called an archive, but emotionally it often functions as a community space.

people post for connection, for participation, for others to bear witness to their pain and trauma and grief,

and i don’t think most people are asking to be admired so much as acknowledged. there’s something deeply human about wanting another person to encounter something that mattered to you and go:

“ok, yeah, I see what you were trying to say. I see you.”

especially because fanfic is often people processing very real feelings through fictional characters at a safe distance, one step removed,

and then uploading that deeply personal thing into a shared archive and hoping somebody else might connect with it.

And i think that’s why it hurts so much when you summon up the courage and post a fic into the void and you get nothing back,

and then it’s like,

GarCiCis Pizza

Trinity wants many things, quite desperately. She wants to do another fasciotomy, on her own this time, and also more chest tubes, and maybe a thoracotomy if she’s lucky. She wants to be good at her job, wants to prove that she belongs, wants to belong. She wants Robby’s approval, wants to never see Langdon again, and above all else she wants Garcia to respect her. She wants Garcia to want her as much as she wants Garcia.

I am reduced, she thinks, to a thing that wants Garcia.