online journal v1 / lv

Really drunk right now. It’s 4:19 PM. I love it. This is early for me.

Here are things I really want to do:

Meditate more

Learn Spanish

Get a job

Take accounting classes/independent study

Keep writing

I guess I can narrow it down to these two categories: self-improvement and work/fun. 

Self Improvement                Work/Fun Meditate                                Job Spanish                                 Accounting Classes Writing                                   Writing

Kewl. I feel better writing that out.

Tonight is my last night sleeping alone. 

I wish I was the daughter you wanted and the daughter you kept wanting to pamper well into her life. I used to be your everything, but now you’re just a shell; blaming me for things that were out of my control and disowning me for things you could not believe were true.

R,  I’m so excited to see you again.

I’m so excited to close the gap

I’m so excited to be with you again.

I’m so excited to be your partner. 

I’m so excited to have this apartment with you.

I’m so excited to share my life with you.

This is it, hunny.

soulmates. I love that word. 

I love the Ariana Grande song Pete Davidson where she sings, “and I know you know that you’re my soulmate and all that,” and you know when to play that song when I’m putting my makeup on in the bathroom to come out and surprise you with a little sexy somethin’.

I love that you cheer me on everysingleday ever since we met. I love that I was able to be open with you about my then-work issues and you didn’t judge me- you cringed when I cringed, you winced when I winced, and you weren’t mimicking me. You were feeling what I was feeling. and I was feeling what you were feeling. I think we were really feeling each other. I know I’m still feeling you and will for the rest of my life.

Throughout the day, I keep thinking of things like, “Can my ‘something blue’ be the heels I bought from Ross one day to wear for date night that night but ended up wearing them everywhere for several weeks?” and, “Are we both going to just fall in love with the stray cats in whatever neighborhood we end up in next, and what are we going to name them?” I’m personally gunnin’ for Spears and Britney, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

I’m still torn on whether or not I should invest in a Keurig for when you get here... I mean, you like pour-over and I have no taste buds, so why would I invest in something when pour-over is fun and still convenient for us? You’re teaching me about the finer things in life. Philz > Starbucks.

I loved our first kiss. I’ve never wanted someone to kiss me so bad. You were just so kind, so thoughtful, so funny, so intelligent. I loved talking with you and the hours seemed to pass so quickly- we missed our midnight kiss and kissed passed 1am or something, but we were just having that good of a time just talking. I think it was natural. I loved it. I can’t wait until this next New Years Eve, something tells me we’re just going to have a wonderful, low-key celebration full of love and kisses.

You make it very hard for me to love myself when you continue to drag me down everyday. To pretend to be my friend, then say something untrue and ready to start a fight with me if I argue. I walk away and you still get mad. There’s no winning.

I wish to grow, and I wish to not be angry at this anymore. I need to let go and trust in all the love I have in my heart. This is all I’ve ever known and I no longer want to live this way. I will get better.

Here is to love, healing, and growing.

I don’t know how to thank my boyfriend for helping me during this hard time I’m facing. I wish I could do the same, but I know I can “repay” him by just being my honest, best self.

He’s the most genuine soul. I know it’s not a monetary thing, as we simply just want enough to live our simple lives, but I sure will pay him back. I know it’s truly about the love. I guess that’s another reason why I’m so speechless.

I’m not used to the love and support. I want to be, and I sure as hell hope I’m also supportive and loving to him, as well. It feels nearly impossible to be there sometimes, when all I know he wants is a big hug, or a massage for his jaw on his bad days. Watching a movie. Drinking hot cocoa. Heating up leftovers. I know I want a big hug, I want to massage him, and I want to watch a movie. I want that cocoa. I want those leftovers. I want that life with him, and I know that love is plenty. 

The way he comforts me when I’m stressed out over my medicine, or when I’m having an off day with family, or am bored out of my mind. Some days I feel guilty that he does so much for me. I want to give him everything, too. 

I want to see these things as challenges.

It’s not being too depressed to eat, it’s intermittent fasting/OMAD

I’ve been living in what I call “temporary housing” for these last few months. I’ve had about five addresses within the last 2 months and I’m still unsure of where I’ll be living. I’d like to know. I’d like to figure it out. I’d like to get a job. I’d like to see employers give me a chance. I’m trying. I’m trying my hardest.

A useless thing about depression is the inability to do things that you should be doing on a daily basis. Brushing your hair, taking a shower, and eating three meals a day are all big maybes in my book during my episodes.

I couldn’t tell you the last time I showered. Last Tuesday? Hopefully. Any longer and I’ll cry. Weed’s almost gone, my biggest crutch. Got enough for one last good high before one of my infamous naps.

Sometimes I wish someone would take my hand and just tell me “no.” and drag me out of this. I literally need someone to help me out of this, and I know once my boyfriend’s back from the East Coast, he’ll be able to help me more.