Reading and learning about C-PTSD has really opened my eyes to a lot of the trauma Iāve dealt with in my life.

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@spacedbabe
Reading and learning about C-PTSD has really opened my eyes to a lot of the trauma Iāve dealt with in my life.

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Iāve been noticing myself spiral down and feel worse and worse and I feel like Iām trying to feel better and trying to do the things that are good and better for me to help me heal, but I just get bothered when I share things with people. I want to share things with others, but I hate it when people try to mansplain things to me.
Iām sorry. Iām just really really sad.
drunk and cheese.
Really drunk right now. Itās 4:19 PM. I love it. This is early for me.
Eating cheese and crackers. So fresh, so good. Mozarella and ibireco and other spanish cheeses with some San Francisco fresh sourdough, mmmmm I may be running my mouth thinking this is divine, a 27 year old who hasnāt lived, but yes, I am enjoying it, every second of the salty yet fresh bread and cheese.
I havenāt written a real post in a hot second, so here goes nothing.
Here are things I really want to do:
Meditate more
Learn Spanish
Get a job
Take accounting classes/independent study
Keep writing
I guess I can narrow it down to these two categories: self-improvement and work/fun.Ā
Self ImprovementĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Work/Fun MeditateĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Job SpanishĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Accounting Classes WritingĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Writing
Kewl. I feel better writing that out.
Now letās break it down more. Self-Improvement Meditation: I want to meditate more because I do notice a difference when I meditate. I learn how to breathe. I can be more calm. My mind is at ease. I can release tension easier when I notice it. Itās amazing, it feels amazing, and itās only going to bring amazing things into my life. Plus, I love guided meditations, and a lot of them do bring me happiness, calmness, and a sense of loving-kindness toward the world when Iām not feeling so hot. Spanish: Iāve always enjoyed the Spanish language and I really do want to get in touch with my roots more. I want to speak more to people as I learn more, but I first want to get more of the basics down. I know quite a bit, but I just canāt speak it, and I donāt want that to be an issue anymore. I want to learn, so Iām going to learn! Plus, it would be great to be able to speak to my family back in Nicaragua and Los Angeles. Maybe I can even find a job easier.
1:28 PM
This last week has been such an awesome week. Reunited with my love after several months long distance and have been catching up and organizing our new living space. It has been rad.Ā It has been rad.

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8:25 PM.
Tonight is my last night sleeping alone.Ā
Ry comes back tomorrow. Actually, Ry comes back in approximately 15 hours. I am more than excited. I donāt know how to keep myself calm other than enjoying music and a few glasses of wine. Perhaps Iāll dance myself to an exhaustive sleep, maybe Iāll find a movie or a new tv show to watch. Weāll see. The night is young. It is only 8:25 PM.Ā
7:28 PM
I wish I was the daughter you wanted and the daughter you kept wanting to pamper well into her life. I used to be your everything, but now youāre just a shell; blaming me for things that were out of my control and disowning me for things you could not believe were true.
I wish I didnāt feel the strong urgency to leave, and I wish I felt comfortable around you. I wish the love I feel as an adult was the same love I felt from you as a child. But that love is no more.
8:29 PM
R,Ā Iām so excited to see you again.
Iām so excited to close the gap
Iām so excited to be with you again.
Iām so excited to be your partner.Ā
Iām so excited to have this apartment with you.
Iām so excited to share my life with you.
This is it, hunny.
I love you.
6:11 AM
soulmates. I love that word.Ā
I love the Ariana Grande song Pete Davidson where she sings,Ā āand I know you know that youāre my soulmate and all that,ā and you know when to play that song when Iām putting my makeup on in the bathroom to come out and surprise you with a little sexy somethinā.
I love that you cheer me on everysingleday ever since we met. I love that I was able to be open with you about my then-work issues and you didnāt judge me- you cringed when I cringed, you winced when I winced, and you werenāt mimicking me. You were feeling what I was feeling. and I was feeling what you were feeling. I think we were really feeling each other. I know Iām still feeling you and will for the rest of my life.
Throughout the day, I keep thinking of things like,Ā āCan myĀ āsomething blueā be the heels I bought from Ross one day to wear for date night that night but ended up wearing them everywhere for several weeks?ā and,Ā āAre we both going to just fall in love with the stray cats in whatever neighborhood we end up in next, and what are we going to name them?ā Iām personally gunninā for Spears and Britney, but I guess weāll cross that bridge when we get there.
Iām still torn on whether or not I should invest in a Keurig for when you get here... I mean, you like pour-over and I have no taste buds, so why would I invest in something when pour-over is fun and still convenient for us? Youāre teaching me about the finer things in life. Philz > Starbucks.
I loved our first kiss. Iāve never wanted someone to kiss me so bad. You were just so kind, so thoughtful, so funny, so intelligent. I loved talking with you and the hours seemed to pass so quickly- we missed our midnight kiss and kissed passed 1am or something, but we were just having that good of a time just talking. I think it was natural. I loved it. I canāt wait until this next New Years Eve, something tells me weāre just going to have a wonderful, low-key celebration full of love and kisses.
I love you. And Iām going to love you forever.Ā
9:15 PM
You make it very hard for me to love myself when you continue to drag me down everyday. To pretend to be my friend, then say something untrue and ready to start a fight with me if I argue. I walk away and you still get mad. Thereās no winning.
I wish to grow, and I wish to not be angry at this anymore. I need to let go and trust in all the love I have in my heart. This is all Iāve ever known and I no longer want to live this way. I will get better.
Here is to love, healing, and growing.

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7:10 AM
I donāt know how to thank my boyfriend for helping me during this hard time Iām facing. I wish I could do the same, but I know I canĀ ārepayā him by just being my honest, best self.
Heās the most genuine soul. I know itās not a monetary thing, as we simply just want enough to live our simple lives, but I sure will pay him back. I know itās truly about the love. I guess thatās another reason why Iām so speechless.
Iām not used to the love and support. I want to be, and I sure as hell hope Iām also supportive and loving to him, as well. It feels nearly impossible to be there sometimes, when all I know he wants is a big hug, or a massage for his jaw on his bad days. Watching a movie. Drinking hot cocoa. Heating up leftovers. I know I want a big hug, I want to massage him, and I want to watch a movie. I want that cocoa. I want those leftovers. I want that life with him, and I know that love is plenty.Ā
The way he comforts me when Iām stressed out over my medicine, or when Iām having an off day with family, or am bored out of my mind. Some days I feel guilty that he does so much for me. I want to give him everything, too.Ā
Itās funny, I never actually felt this way until he left. In this case, yes, distance does make the heart grow stronger, but fuck that noise-- I want my boyfriend back.
Well if this isnāt my cat.
1:22 PM
I want to see these things as challenges.
Itās not being too depressed to eat, itās intermittent fasting/OMAD
Itās not unemployment, itās taking a much needed break into a career change.
10:06 AM
Iāve been living in what I callĀ ātemporary housingā for these last few months. Iāve had about five addresses within the last 2 months and Iām still unsure of where Iāll be living. Iād like to know. Iād like to figure it out. Iād like to get a job. Iād like to see employers give me a chance. Iām trying. Iām trying my hardest.
Iām just so exhausted.
may i be happy. may i be safe and protected. may i be healthy. may i be at peace. may i live with the ease of well being.
may you be happy. may you be safe and protected. may you be healthy. may you be at peace. may you live with the ease of well being.
may we be happy. may we be safe and protected. may we be healthy. may we be at peace. may we live with the ease of well being

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7:41 AM
A useless thing about depression is the inability to do things that you should be doing on a daily basis. Brushing your hair, taking a shower, and eating three meals a day are all big maybes in my book during my episodes.
I couldnāt tell you the last time I showered. Last Tuesday? Hopefully. Any longer and Iāll cry. Weedās almost gone, my biggest crutch. Got enough for one last good high before one of my infamous naps.
Sometimes I wish someone would take my hand and just tell meĀ āno.ā and drag me out of this. I literally need someone to help me out of this, and I know once my boyfriendās back from the East Coast, heāll be able to help me more.
I guess thatās also a big part of my depression. Long distance. Possible, but not really nice when youāre unemployed and broke.Ā