Not Straight.

(they/them- DFAB) Congratz on HRT, enjoy that journey!

Childhood ended at 4 for me when I was SA'd by my babysitter, so girlhood/childhood was warped out the gate. Adults sucked and I could not trust them unless they were proven (such as my grandparents, which as a child of divorce, they raised me more then my actual parents).

I got older, got ADHD meds- screwed with my hormones, got fat (bad coping with food, parents divorce, tension ect), and got fat. I was always treated as less then because I was fat- I was never a kid, I was always a small fat person and a burden to get clothes for (It was the 90s~). I would find a home with the 'werid' and 'nerdy' because all I had was drawing art, and video games. Got into playing DND, found a small click of nerds (all of us queer without words, or spectrum of some sort). Exploded wtih gender by pretending to being a man in roleplay. I became a DM, then played as 'everyone boyfriend' in character - a bunch of girls wanting romance for their DND character- I never stopped it of course, because it was a way for me to explore 'dating' as a 'guy' even if it was just roleplay. I'm sure most people don't have to fight dragons between dates, but from what I hear from other's teenage dating experinces- at least mine was fake drama for fun.

My friend group was always torn apart because of the miltiary (forced to move before my 8th grade year, and my senior year again, resetting my friend group each and everytime at key emotional points). Growing up as a military-kid added another complex layer to my 'childhood', and made it harder to make real connections, but also an excuse to not have connections. This is early internet, pre-Facebook, dial-up days.

Our connections to things were limited to in school, or at someones home. We had these notebooks we would pass between classes in the hallways or at lunch where we would roleplay these deep complex roleplays- particular pen colors were diffrent colors, hell even writing styles would alter for the character. I still havn't looked any of them up out of one fear or another. The one time I did try to reconnect it was a crash and burn failure of two young people to screwed up trying to mash some kind of connection that it just failed to work. I wish them well all the same, but we were both mentally just fucked at the time to try to reconnect.

I never bought any year books at key points (IE: senior year) because I didn't -care-, everything felt like at a moments notice that it wouldn't matter- that we would move again and I would have to restart. So I never kept things of nolstagia, always traveled light and disconnected. As an adult, it makes it hard to remember things, to recall fond memeries. Lack of pictures, photobooks, time lines and such (again pre-digital era tools).

There were glimmers of 'girlhood' where I would wear actual literal fairywings and dress up with my friend who would dress up as a bunny girl on fridays (how we got away with it, I'm not sure, but we were always well behaved so I guess we had good kid privillage or something).

Prom dresses that I would be squeezed would always be rediclious big poofy bell of the ball with layers of glitter, but I would always wanted something outrageous (like a beehive updoo with another set of fairy wings)- it was always costume in vibes, drag would be the best term but I didn't know it at the time. The wings I would get would be like from high end crafters, like from a renaissance faire, or from play-costum creators. I love the idea of drag still, but as an adult- I am isolated and lack a reason to do anything more then the basics to stay alive (maybe depression, fear of the times, I'm diconnected from literally everything and only have meaningful friendships online- super heally really recommend /sarcasm still dewelling on that).