Soulie7

I just need a place to throw my thoughts because lately it’s felt like everything has been trapped inside my head and it’s getting to the point where I can’t sleep and I just want to cry all the time to feel like I’m letting something go to lighten the load that’s burying me.

I’ve never been a person to ever truly speak my mind and put my emotions out there for the world to see. I’ve felt safer keeping it all to myself because at least then I could pretend and if the real me wasn’t out there then it couldn’t be hurt. I’m scared and embarrassed to say how I feel. I know everyone is dealing with things and no one needs to deal with my shit. That’s what my brain tells me every time I think about opening up. The few times I managed to ignore my brain and just let it out I instantly regret it and become even more depressed and hateful towards myself for being selfish and throwing my shit onto others.

It’s getting worse though. The voice in my head is getting louder and it’s telling me how much of a burden I am. It makes me hate myself so much. It makes me cry into my pillow pleading for it to stop. I want it to stop so badly. It rubs salt into the wounds and pushes me closer and closer telling me there is only one way to make it stop. It scares me and no one see it.

Nothing in my life has gone anywhere near what I had dreamed of. I’m so alone. The people I had that kept me going and made me feel like I wasn’t some burden are gone. I miss them more than I can convey in some text post. I find myself going through each day struggling to find a reason and the depression only makes it harder. Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed or wake up at all. I hate the person I am. The person I let myself become. I’m so alone.

I want a new life. I look in the mirror and I see a stranger. I try to change my hair and change my cloths but it doesn’t change the feelings of being trapped in the wrong body. My voice. My face. My chest. It all feels foreign and makes me feel even more discouraged and depressed.

My family, people who are suppose to love and support you just don’t understand. The feeling of having someone who is suppose to care about you and be there for you but instead turns their back on you and makes you feel less than and like some type of freak. That feeling of being pushed away... I know I should move on and just get over it and say forget them they don’t deserve to have me in their life if they can’t accept me...but no matter how hard I try to feel that way...the nightmares just dig deeper in and only feed the voice.

I try. I try to be better I want to be better I want to be happy and I know it takes work...I know it all but for every step I take it feels like I’m walking in quicksand that just pulls me deeper and deeper. It will get better you just have to keep trying and working for it. That’s what everyone says but it’s getting to the point where the only future I can see isn’t worth trying for. The motivation I had is gone. All the things I had plans of doing and the life I wanted is nothing but a fantasy...

I dream of someday waking up in the body I was meant to have and the job where I can write and create worlds only seen in peoples imagination with people who love and support me for me...but a dream is just that...a dream