no longer human

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( warning ! dazai is an extremely dark character , there are likely mentions of trauma, graphic violence , suicide ideation , and more ahead )

If Dazai could have seen Akutagawa’s face he would have been greeted with eyes as soulless as a doll’s and an expression racked with a twisted sense of obligation. The hidden blades that were primed to carve and skewer were restrained, the hand which settled upon his shoulder the sole reason for the abrupt delay. Grumbling, he craned his neck as far as it was able to the opposite side.

“I’m exactly where I should be,” he replied with a voice both gruff and distant as if he was replying to the stars. “I came from this place.” Eyes widened and followed the scampering steps of the children until they were gone before continuing, “it spat me out into nothing. Showed me nothing except a scalding taste of hell. But it didn’t kill me even though it tried every horrid waking moment.”

As the heated words spilled from his mouth his body stiffened to the point where it shuddered. If he could have he would have ran Dazai through–repeatedly–with Rashomon like a writhing thread stitching up every bit of his flesh. He had courage enough to try and understand, Akutagawa would give him that, but courage was only enough to scrape the surface. To understand pure darkness would take more than any person would care to give.

“Killing is what they have to learn,” he growled, like a beast barely able to keep itself upright, “and I’m the only one who can show them.” Reaching an arm behind himself Akutagawa grabbed ahold of Dazai’s wrist and squeezed hard, fingernails pressing down against that bandaged skin. “You have no place here!”

of course he was from here  , it certainly made plenty make sense.   the rage, the chaos,   everything about him would have thrived in such a lawless place void of all morals.   the children dart past him,   but one young boy stays,   safely behind dazai,   staring on with a look in his eyes that reminded dazai of akutagawa.   if he hadn’t found them when he had, he imagined the boy would likely fall down a similar path.

killing is what they have to learn ?   what a stupid thing to believe.   ❛   ah so you think you’re a hero then  ?  showing them how to kill  ?   ❜   he tilts his head,   looking down at akutagawa’s hand wrapped around his wrist,   malice taking over his tone,   ❛   you don’t get this world at all,   do you  ?   killing is easy,   anyone can do it.   ❜   it was harder to not kill,   odasaku had taught him that.   suddenly, he beams brightly,   ❛   actually i do  !   believe it or not i didn’t come here for you.   you’re just a small speck in all the little things i deal with  !   ❜

⠀‘ ⠀I suppose. ⠀’ ⠀to his inquiry about her killing the creature, whatever monstrosity could control minds. kawahime gave a good chuckle in her mind, aware that mind tricks don’t work on her. it was mostly the annoyance in the confidence that she’d be capable, she thought, her fingers dug into the worn fabric of her pants. his voice grated around her brain, making it worst. her eyes watched behind her glasses, a slow movement as the men filed out. there’s only one left when she finally takes off her glasses on the table, pressed her middle finger into the center of her eye and look at him as he began to speak again. she only opened the other one to stare at him with the audacity.

ahmya moved with a rouge of elegant anger, lifted herself from her seat, and slammed her fists so hard against the table it shook. her expression could kill,⠀‘ ⠀oh, oh? ⠀’ ⠀ a harsh laugh ) -⠀’ ⠀OH? really, confident ? I’m GROWING ? coming from a mere boy just out of his teens.⠀’ ⠀( babygirl, you’re fucking him, that says more about you than him. ) her expression changed, a hint of kawahime behind her eyes as the woman spoke to herself on the inside, her eye’s emptied out before she focused back in. head snapped back into play.⠀‘ ⠀ ah, you’ve gotten so confident, ⠀’ ⠀ she mocked, it was still her but more. ( this is why ahmya does not allow herself to get angry, as anger blurs the line between the two. )

⠀‘ ⠀ how fucking insolent of you to treat me that way in front of my fucking subordinates, I might be your subordinate — CERTAINLY not by choice, ( OH a hint of a lie. ) but I’m their superior and you- FUCKING go off about how you should get my husband to lecture me like I’m a fucking child? like I’m property? ( you are. ) ⠀’ ⠀ the air pressure around them spiked, and ahmya’s eyes flicked a complete red, however when she kept speaking, it was still her before him, ⠀‘ ⠀i don’t fuck you for you to disrespect me like that, how fucking dare you.⠀’ ⠀

that was the end of that, ahmya’s foot hooked the edge of the table, a flurry of silk fabric, and flipped into the nearest wall in pure rage. B A N G, not one, many. the table broke under the weight of her kick. it hit the ground, clank clank c l a n k. it was then her rage began to dissipate and kawahime’s mind began to sleep.⠀‘ ⠀ i’m leaving. ⠀’ ⠀ she stated suddenly, though once she took a step towards the door, it was unlikely she’d be leaving at all.

he blinks for a moment,   as if genuinely surprised before he bursts out into loud laughter,   ❛   my my  ...  i didn’t realize our time together meant so much to you.   ❜   he clears his throat,   ❛   it was my understanding you sleep with me in the hopes i will disrespect you in bed.   ❜   he brightens,   ❛   though i guess that is different.   ❜

he calmly pulls his legs up,   crossing them on the chair moments before the table goes flying across the room,   blown to bits.   he yawns,   rolling his eyes as it shatters before him.   dazai reaches up when he feels a sharp sting,   pulling out a thin piece of wood from where it had inserted itself on his cheek.   he studies it for a moment,   watching his blood seep into the wood before flicking it to the ground and using his thumb to brush the blood from his cheek.   he’d have to bandage it later.   how annoying.

❛   ahmya.   ❜   his tone is commanding,   void of emotion,   and he leaves little room to question him,   ❛   i have a subordinate.   surely you’ve heard of him,   his name is akutagawa.   his ability is fascinating but   . . .   well let’s just say he disappoints on other fronts.   your anger,   it reminds me of him.   when he frustrates me,   i shoot him.   i suggest you do the same to your own subordinates if you feel as though their respect for you could be lost so easily.   ❜   in the port mafia that which was not useful was discarded.   everyone had a job to do,  if they could not accomplish it without disrespecting their superiors than they could find themselves six feet under.

olivia had met many heartless men, but none that could conceal their insanity as quickly and easily as dazai. when her gaze meets the hollow pits where his should be, a chill travels down her spine, the knife shaking ever so slightly in her grip. was it a trick of the eye, the angle of the light, or was he something not entirely human? 

for a brief moment, she allows herself to cast her gaze over to the man in the corner. shit. surely, if she caused any problems, kaz wouldn’t hesitate to make her regret her recklessness. whether it was fear or exhaustion that wanted to keep her from underneath kaz’s thumb, she knew she would have to behave herself, at least in front of the captain. 

“ grab your things, ” olivia lowers the knife from his throat and instead keeps the point close to his side, out of view of anyone else. “ we’re going for a walk. and if you try to run, i will gut you. ”

he grins,   tossing a few coins on the table for their food and standing up.   he stretched,   rolling his shoulders and acting as if there wasn’t a knife nearly pressed into his side,   ❛   oh oh i love walks  !!  can we go by the harbor  ?  on the beach  ?  there’s this great great spot.   you would like it  !   ❜   he knew she meant a different sort of walk.

❛   bye bye captain stoepker  !  it was great seeing you,  ❜   he does a playful salute in his direction,  ❛   tell jeannie thank you for the casserole she made me  !  see you next week for dinner  !   ❜   dazai waved encouragingly before strolling out the door with a grin,   pulling his arm through his jacket and hopping outside.

If that unique skill wasn’t enough to make it known who Akutagawa was dealing with that voice made it as clear as it could be. Of course they would send Dazai, the only one who could keep Rashomon in check. Every inch of the man made his blood boil though he couldn’t think of any concrete reason why save for his knack of always getting in the way. And something in his manner; he was unreadable as the void.

Head falling back down he stared straight ahead at his interrupter. His gray eyes flickered and were the only parts of him that betrayed his exhaustion. “For anyone to spend time with you they must have an abysmally low sense of self-worth,” he sneered, harshly clearing his throat before adding, “that, or you’re more manipulative than you care to let on.” For as many times as Dazai had been set upon him Akutagawa wouldn’t put it past the man to have a sizable shadow.

Black overcoat rippled slightly as he took a few heavy steps forward but for the moment no more blades burst forth from it. As long as he was in the nullifier’s presence it would be no use. For as much as he was blinded by the violence he mass produced there was still some rational thought that came to his mind’s forefront. And though he would not–or could not–admit it, the standstill made his chest feel like it was no longer on fire.

“From one named nuisance to another what are they shouting at you to do?” Stopping in his steps around ten feet from the other he cocked his head and narrowed his eyes. “If you want this to be easy I’m sure you have your own plan to go about it.”

❛   eh  ?   ❜   there’s a flicker of confusion before he bursts out into laughter.   well THAT was unexpected.   perhaps there was more going on beneath akutagawa’s dead eyes than he had originally thought.   to assume he was manipulating women into feeding into his affections   …   so he saw through it then   —   the apparent kindness he wore on his sleeve.   dazai shakes his head,   raising a finger to correct him,   ❛   i don’t need to manipulate them  !  wherever i go they seem to fight for my affection.   peculiar, isn’t it   ?   ❜   the grin he wears made it clear he didn’t think it was peculiar at all.

❛   come on,   don’t you wanna find out on your own   ?   it’s way more fun that way  !   ❜   dazai had never seen any appeal in explaining his actions simply because he believed he would succeed.   more often than not,   doing such a thing would only cement a loss.   when dealing with a creature as destructive as akutagawa,   he couldn’t risk it.   he shrugs,   unconvinced of the other’s words,   ❛   maybe.   or maybe i’m just saying that so you’ll play right into my hand.   maybe i don’t have anything planned at all.   ❜

          @soukouku​ coded: “ but there are no ifs in this world. no one can change what’s already happened. ”

           “  cruel  ..  “  word whispered,  fingers scraping plastic face,  urge to peel it off intensifies by the second.  “  we are not too different,  are we  ..  ?  man-made monsters.  “  smile forms,  unnatural as it spreads across face,  broken and slated.  fingers grip stands of hair,  yanking,  pulling,  tugging until saran hair forms a clump in hand.  not even a moment later,  you shift your hand to let the clump fall onto the ground.  “  or  ..  i made an error  ..  ?  are you  ..  self-made  ..   ?  who is to say  ..  if asked,  you would not be honest.  “  did his statement upset you  ?  is that why you’re acting this way  ?  (  code fails to comprehend,  unknown feeling arises in chest,  heavy and suffocating  ).  “  i think .. you are wrong.  take a knife and plunge it into enyo  ..  won’t you  ..  ?  alter their mistake.  change what has already happened.   “  head tilts,  neck snapped at inhuman angle,  lips tinted with oil. 

scaling buildings and hopping across rooftops were best done in the chill of the night, in a concrete jungle illuminated neon florescent. this was originally just her playground but perhaps coming across dazai’s home was less of an accident and more a bout of fate, so they made a thing of it. 

eyes widen, lips parting into a small o, when the door swings open before her fist even touches the wood. god, no matter how quiet she was, dazai always seemed to know when she was right around the corner. “ dazzie, dazzie, dazzie ! ” she matches his tone with a bright smile hopping from foot to foot, the two of them acting like children who haven’t seen a dear friend in ages. “ you save me? pfft! please. i was just out beating my record, see! ” she shoves her smart watch in his face, showing him the time on her stop watch. “ i ran the whole city in less than eleven minutes! isn’t that cool? so, if anyone was saving anyone, it’s me. ”

still bouncing on her toes, jett attempts to peer over his shoulder into the room behind him. “ ooh, whatcha watchin’? anything good? can i come in? ”

he sucks in an excited gasp of air,   clapping playfully along with the chant of his name as if it were a song.   he leans down,   craning his neck to see the screen of her watch just a little better.   he nods,   as if deep in thought about something before he snaps his fingers,   ❛   ah  !  that is why you are so sweaty.   ❜   she had so much energy,   it reminded him of atsushi.   she was filled with a light held only by those who were not only determined to live,   but determined to ensure others would as well.

❛   hm  ?  oh  !  yes  !  ❜   that’s right,   it did look like he was watching something,   didn’t it  ?  he grins,   reaching for her wrist and pulling her inside,   waving animatedly with his free hand to motion for her to take her shoes off.   dazai glances at the tv,   just long enough to see what was playing,   ❛   it’s the best  !  a very fun cooking competition show but there is a twist,   ❜   he stares at her intensely,   ❛   they have to do it blindfolded.   ❜   he wondered when the channel had shifted from broadcast news to this.   he really hadn’t been paying attention,   had he  ?