Can I call you that? You don’t act like one half the time, but I guess that’s my fault for being a teenager and wanting to have my own privacy. I didn’t realize a decision I made as a child would effect us for the rest of our lives. Do you get a thrill out of it? Or are you so unaware of your inconsistency, your borderline psychotic outlashes. All I’ve ever wanted was your approval; to make you proud. And it’s like everytime I decide to not do something you want, you say you mean nothing to me; that I don’t care.
If I’m being honest, I wish I was didn’t care. I wish you didn’t drain me, I wish we had a healthy relationship, I wish I had a mom. I wish I could go to my bestfriends without resenting how close she is with her mom. I wish I didn’t loathe that my boyfriend gets a goodnight text every night from his mom; while I’m lucky to get a response within a week.
I wouldn’t let you be my mom before. I didn’t trust you. You’d hit me. You’d belittle me. You’d send me away. But I decide to go away? You just want control of me. That’s all I am. I’m making it. Alone. I know you don’t feel guilt. I should cut you off. But then I really lose my mom. I lose what I have. What did I do to deserve it? What did I do to you? I deserve better. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be important too. I try to rationalize your hurt/trauma, but all it’s done is give me, my own.
- an orphan of the living
