they tell me im a god

suna took out his phone, and immediatley opened instagram, to see if you posted anything about your new boyfriend. you did. he rolled his eyes as he looked at the post. you were beaming, as you were getting a piggy back ride from your new s/o, who was smiling just as wide. the world looked perfect in that post, even the light was a golden hue. he groaned a loud fuck as he turned off his phone, unable to see you so happy, while he is so fucked up. he finished the rest of his beer and crushed it. absentmindedly throwing it into the overflowing trash can. as he sat down once again, a sudden memory rushed into his head, giving him whiplash. it was a memory of you, back when you guys were still together. and happy. you and suna were at a local cafe, eating the specials and sharing a drink. you were laughing at some stupid thing he said, and he had a light smirk on his face. after your giggles subsided, you looked at the cafe sign, and started to speak.

"you know, we should start a cafe together, when we are like, old and married."

"you know i can't cook for shit, how tf would i help"

"your good looks would bring in customers."

it was suna's turn to laugh, as he gave you a light kiss on the cheek.

"sure. that sounds like fun."

and as soon as the memory started, it was over, the happiness shattering like broken glass, as suna was brought back to reality by the ringing of his phone. he was about to turn it off, thinking it was just a spam caller, or osamu, trying to make him see sense, but he noticed your name. he immediatley stood up straight in his seat, lightly wincing at the sudden change in posture, and then picked up the phone, and answering.

"hey."

"hey suna. um- i heard your voicemail..."

"forget it. please. i was mad, and i just ended up fucking this entire situation even more."

"i think you meant what you fucking said suna. i was just calling to give you a piece of my mi-"

"can i just have a chance to speak?"

"why the fuck would i let you do that?"

"please"

you stopped talking, and suna thanked every god that he could think of, happy that you actually agreed."

"first and foremost, oh let it be said my dear,"

"dont call me dear"

"i was going to be a good boyfriend to you, so this is not an act of spite, it's a visceral breakthrough."

"cut the poetic crap and spit out what you want to say."

"secondly i know i haven't been that great, you know the way i can be. today im fucking drunk, like i have been every single fucking day. you've lost a piece of you in me, but i've lost all my past."

"oh so am i supposed to forgive you since you are now a drunken bastard?"

"is he better than me? has he seen more to this life? can he smoke more? can he fuck more? can he break me? can he break you? oh, I don’t know what i’m to do. i don’t know what I’ll fuckin' do."

you stopped talking, hearing how serious suna was about this. his voice cracked, like he was on the verge of tears, and then continued.

"i've seen our café, i've clocked our plans. oh, what could have been. if you didn’t go and fall in love, and ruin everything. i've seen him. i've been him. i've felt the same way, so in love with everything about you, that you will just- do anything to see you smile. i've seen him going out with you. i've seen what he can do, so touch him, and break me, as i see him doing everything that i wanted to do with you."

"i ruined everything? you literally cheated on me. don't go victimizing yourself, like you always fucking do. when are you going to realize that you are the problem, not me. thanks for that sob story and everything, but i don't want to talk to you until you come to terms with your own toxicity, so call me back when that happens."

you hung up, and he sat there, frozen, for at least 30 seconds, trying to process what just happened.

am i really the problem?

am i the reason why everything is fucked up?

am i?

suna slouched once again, realizing you were right. he turned off his phone once again, and sighed.

how am i supposed to change?