Power: high position, important position, highly regarded in the community, life of the party, lights up the room... commanding in that way.
Power means you can get what you want, and people listen to you and like you.
Motivator. Don't really have to do much to get what they want.
I feel like I try to emulate that. I do get what I want with lil to no effort.
What does my body represent?
Body: My body represented strength + power, especially being an athlete all my life. Being able to move effortlessly, lift, pull, swim miles, float, stand, glide through water is almost my superpower.
My body represents strength + power. But, it has been confused down the line somehow with what others think it should be used for + treated. Using my body as a tool for them + their pleasure, and for their own power?
They dismissed this strong, powerful body and all the hard, amazing, superpowerful things that it does.
"If you don't want it, GET OUT!" I'm now confused...
My body, I have to want this or do that for you, or else you will deny me of things, of needs, of POWER.
So I'm taught to use my body as a power tool to not feel rejected, to move up, to get what I want. So much that I hypersexualize myself in a way that seems to be "reclaiming my power". Wow!
What does vulnerability mean to you?
To be vulnerable... I feel that I've been most vulnerable with [redacted]. Crying after sex because of happiness and immense love. Crying in his arms one summer, nearly 6 years later, because I was feeling intimate and vulnerable and connected with him again. But I felt like in that moment it needed to provide sex next. I didn't want to, he didn't want to, we're just friends now. So now why am I feeling to not be rejected I have to have sex with him? I broke down, and he held me and comforted me, affirming my feelings.
I'm not sure what it means to be vulnerable. I guard my feelings a lot because I am afraid of rejection. So to mitigate the risk of rejection, I use my irresistible body, but to what end? pain + to be used? I mask my fear of rejection with sexual liberation. makes no sense...
notes from november 13, 2023
