Femme Fatale

If I don’t have enough hope for them to latch onto

If these systems keep taking them down

My first diary was gifted to me by my late grandmother, Grammy, on December 27, 2008. She writes

Happy Birthday

Dear Sophia,

Now that you are 10 years old, you have actually been alive for a “decade”! Wow!

Much of what I wrote in journals or letters at 12 + 13 was fun or silly but something’s seee pretty profound. Be thoughtful as you write + when you go back years later you will be astounded at how much you knew when you were just a girl. You will then know who Papa + I know, Miss Sophia!

Communion, The Female Search For Love

I feel rebirthed

anew

fresh faced + doe eyed

magnetic

magical

awakened

People have told me the power

I am emitting

and I am just now believing it.

Hello, Love

Welcome <3

Welcome to You

The You you have been trying

to unbury

She's been waiting

She's been here all along

waiting for you to step into your

POWER

Hello, Love <3

Power: high position, important position, highly regarded in the community, life of the party, lights up the room... commanding in that way.

Power means you can get what you want, and people listen to you and like you.

Motivator. Don't really have to do much to get what they want.

I feel like I try to emulate that. I do get what I want with lil to no effort.

What does my body represent?

Body: My body represented strength + power, especially being an athlete all my life. Being able to move effortlessly, lift, pull, swim miles, float, stand, glide through water is almost my superpower.

My body represents strength + power. But, it has been confused down the line somehow with what others think it should be used for + treated. Using my body as a tool for them + their pleasure, and for their own power?

They dismissed this strong, powerful body and all the hard, amazing, superpowerful things that it does.

"If you don't want it, GET OUT!" I'm now confused...

My body, I have to want this or do that for you, or else you will deny me of things, of needs, of POWER.

So I'm taught to use my body as a power tool to not feel rejected, to move up, to get what I want. So much that I hypersexualize myself in a way that seems to be "reclaiming my power". Wow!

What does vulnerability mean to you?

To be vulnerable... I feel that I've been most vulnerable with [redacted]. Crying after sex because of happiness and immense love. Crying in his arms one summer, nearly 6 years later, because I was feeling intimate and vulnerable and connected with him again. But I felt like in that moment it needed to provide sex next. I didn't want to, he didn't want to, we're just friends now. So now why am I feeling to not be rejected I have to have sex with him? I broke down, and he held me and comforted me, affirming my feelings.

I'm not sure what it means to be vulnerable. I guard my feelings a lot because I am afraid of rejection. So to mitigate the risk of rejection, I use my irresistible body, but to what end? pain + to be used? I mask my fear of rejection with sexual liberation. makes no sense...

how does it feel to be adored?

how does it feel to be loved by you?

let me have a taste?

an ounce?

a sprinkle of your love

rain down on me

let me soak in your love

let me be seen in your light