sophia writes stuff

I can’t look at myself in the mirror without noticing all of my flaws, all of my defects, and everything that makes me look different from those around me.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted, without feeling the urge to peel it all off with my bare hands, to cut it all off with a sharp knife.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror without losing all my appetite, without losing my will to go out, without losing my composure.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror without hearing the voices that some days tell me I’m being dramatic, and on others telling me to end it all.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror without remembering all the sweet compliments that I never knew how to receive, without hearing my Mom say that I’m unique, that God made me this way, and that God make no mistake.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror without begging God to make me love me, to make me act a bit nicer towards my body, to make me less scared of my reflection.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror without knowing for sure that that will never happen.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror without accepting that I will keep avoiding the mirror, scared of what I might see.

It seemed like it was yesterday when I first stepped foot in that school. It seemed like it was yesterday when we were just a couple of freshmen, trying to figure out what the heck was high school in the midst of a global pandemic.

Online classes, among us gameplays, Tik Tok. Presidential elections, gateway projects, junior year.

It seemed like it was yesterday when we were all in the same classes. It seemed like yesterday when we all took the SAT. It seemed like it was yesterday when we realized we only had a few months left together.

AP exams, Junior Journey, summer programs. College visits, SAT scores, last first day.

It was a few months ago when we stepped foot in that school for the last time. It was a few months ago that we had our last first day. It was a few months ago that we were officially seniors.

Senior year tasted bittersweet. I couldn’t wait to graduate, go to college, and become an adult. But I cherished every single minute with the people around me because I didn’t know if I was going to see them ever again after graduation.

It’s April 4th, 2023. And 66 days from now, we will be graduating. My heart aches because I might never see these people again, because we are never going to be in the same classroom again. We are never going to joke around in AP Stats anymore, or skip advisory and go to McDonald’s together. We are never going to struggle in AP Calculus together anymore or help each other in our group chat.

While I know we’re all going to do wonderful things in this big world, I can’t help but be selfish and hope we have a few more months together. A few more months of laughter, helping each other out, and consoling one another in times of crisis.

With a bright future ahead of us, all of our roads will be separate, but in the future, I hope they all cross again. But in the meantime, let’s enjoy our last 9 weeks together.

Love, a fellow member of the PHA class of 2023