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Son: Are we going to die? (From me using household chemicals)

Me: Probably not.

Why do I want a collar?

I don’t like being controlled. But I don’t want the responsibility. I haven’t been able to make my self do my uni work. I need someone to push me. But I hate being nagged. I need someone to push me gently.

Sex.

I’m scared of someone doing things I don’t want to me. But I want someone else to take the initiative. To push. I don’t like myself. I want to lose myself. I want to be bitten on the neck. I want to bite someone. Not hard. I want to  be scratched on the head. I want to forget I’m human for a while. I don’t want to be humiliated or embarrassed.

Do I really want a collar? Do I just want.. what? What do I want? I want to hide away from the world. I want to lose myself in fictional worlds. I want to sleep and never wake up. Will a collar help? Do I still want a collar? Yes. Maybe. Do I really? Is this just influence from the manga I’ve been reading? I’m thinking in circles now. Are my thoughts honest? Or am I just editing them in case this is read by someone?

I want to be a girl in love with another girl. Why? Because it’s the furthest from my real self? Different gender, young instead of old, carefree? less responsibility, being passive is ok. I still can’t imagine being with a guy even if I was a girl. No. I can imagine it. I don’t want to. Am I really straight or do I just want to be? Am I just afraid of not being straight? Maybe? Lean more towards No. Is this related to having a collar?

I want a girl smaller than me. To be the aggressive one. Assertive one? In our relationship. Why? Why smaller? Because I feel small? She’ll make me feel big? tall? strong?

I am insecure.

I am scared.

I don’t want to flunk out. But I think I will.

I want to run away.

I don’t want to abandon my son. I don’t think I raised him right. I couldn’t teach him how to be confident. I couldn’t teach him how to socialise outside of a computer. Maybe he learned it on his own and I just haven’t seen it.

I feel there’s a distance between us. I infected him with my depression.

I can’t help him.

I want to.

I watn to write this on my tumblr. I don’t know if I will.

Do I still want a collar? I think so.I can imagine how it feels on my neck and I want to feel it for real.

I think.

I want to walk behind someone smaller than me with a collar on and a lead in their hand. Why? Why a smaller person? Do I just like the visual of someone smaller leading someone larger?

I need to get shape first. I look like a fat nerd/geek. Well, I am a fat nerd/geek. I don’t want to be. I wish I was taller. I don’t like being short.

I’m editing my thoughts because there are some things I don’t want to say out loud even if it’s in private writing. What if someone sees? They will see if I put this up on tumblr. I’ll probably edit it more if I do. To clear up some sentences and grammar.

I care too much about what people think. I should be doing my uni work but I’m hiding in a cafe. I want to say “ I’ll do my work when I get back” but I’m afraid I won’t. If I say “ I’ll try to do my work when I get back” it just opens up an excuse for me.

“I tried, it didn’t work”

Aren’t streams of consciousness supposed to be random? I’m just thinking somethings that I’ve been thinking for a while. I could google what stream of consciousness really means. I don’t want to. I don’t want to edit my thoughts any further than I already have.

I’ve had so much coffee but I still want to sleep. Is it my meds or is it depression? stress?

I do this to myself. I hate it. I don’t think I can change. It would be dramatic for me to just write “Help” here and end the post.

I can’t do it now but I wonder what would have happened if I did and posted this online?

I don’t think anyone reads my posts.

I know some do on twitter. I’m disappointing everyone who knows me.

I hate it.

Or maybe I’m used to it. Comfortable with it. Because its what I’ve always done.

I am wasted potential. excess heat. wasted heat. Like from braking. I am the potential released as heat that does nothing but heat up the atmosphere more.

I wish I was a kid again,

This has gone a long way from my original question.

Have I answered it? Yes. Sort of. Maybe.

Why do I want a collar?

Because I don’t want to be me anymore.

I cannot remember the name of the girl I lost my virginity to. I remember some of the things we did together, where we were, funny moments, sad moments, horny moments.

I can remember her taste, her smell, her touch.

As a straight person, watching the LGBT+ community fight with itself through bi-erasure ,transphobia etc, makes me think “This is what it must be like looking at the human race from an aliens perspective”.