So Not Straight

Alright, this should be my final post on this particular Tumblr. This final post is to let you know that I also created a new Tumblr for you to follow me and keep track of when I post on the new SoNotStraight site I announced in my last post. My new Tumblr is called Unstoppable Force (4 points for people who get it). And it can be found at tiffanyhasard.tumblr.com.

My new Tumblr will also contain other posts (videos, audio, quotes, short reflections) that don't quite fit on any of the other SoNotStraight channels which, let me remind you, are the main SoNotStraight Blog, Twitter and Facebook.

So go on, head over to my new Tumblr now and click the Follow button. I hope to see all of my current followers over there. And lots of new ones :).

Hey everybody!

Great news!!

After a weekend of inspired work in which I created and worked feverishly on it, my new and improved So Not Straight blog is finally ready! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has sections, a goodies store, eye candy(!) and lots of fun stuff. 

Please visit it and tell your friends about it! 

Hiya everyone!

It's been a while but the end of the year is causing me to reflect...Three posts since my supposed "last post". I definitely have a problem letting things go.

Anyways, writing this blog helped me greatly for much of the first part of the year so I came back to say a quick hello and wish you a happy new year when it comes tomorrow. For much of the time I was posting regularly on here, (although I only had a couple hundred followers), I know that there were usually close to one thousand unique individuals (sometimes more) reading each month, following me through my ups and downs. Knowing that helped a lot. I was grateful that I was not alone and that there were people out there who maybe kinda identified with my most personal, often-screwed-up thoughts. 

Thank you for following me this past year! I miss writing for this blog. And writing for a blog in general. I work through my feelings by writing about them and I haven't done much of that lately. You all perhaps gathered that I have enough issues to build a mountain rivaling that of Kilimanjaro. Therefore, even if one part of my life was floating happily along the river, you can be sure that another part would have sprung a leak.

Tis the way the cookie crumbles with me.

Hmm, so quick update. I am not quite where I want to be in life...Still single with nary a prospect in sight. Worse is that my job contract ended 2 months ago so I am also jobless. And the icing on the cake is that despite the fears I wrote about earlier I am actually considering going back to live with my parents in a couple months, hopefully temporarily. Ok, maybe when I said I'm not quite where I want to be what I meant to say was that I'm far from I where I want to be. However, I am thankful for what I have. This includes my humour, dark and sarcastic though it may sometimes be :). But peoples, imagine how much more screwed up I have become in the past few months without an outlet!

So I have been toying with the idea of starting up this blog again or, rather, starting a new queer-focused one that continues from this one. I also plan to simultaneously have another blog about my life in general as I try to find a job, figure out my career and find my purpose in life - it'll be dealing with all my struggles and insecurities on that. (When do I EVER not have struggles and insecurities?) That second blog will also be anonymous and hopefully also have the same tone but it won't be queer-focused though. I think I just need to vent and wonder about my broader life in that one. Clearly, I love to work through the hard topics of my life with an audience.

The only thing I'm worried about with (re-)starting the queer blog is that my life is now sooo very mundane compared to before. And if I go back home in a few months, it will be even worse. The queer / fun to boring ratio will likely be dismal. 

So, if any of you are still reading this, what do you all think? Should I start a new queer-focused blog now that I know I am queer? Or should I focus on getting my life together in a more general, personal blog? Or maybe I should just focus on getting my shit together, period?

Alright, now that I've just thought out loud as usual and ended up with multiple paragraphs in what was supposed to be a one-paragraph post, lemme say what I came on here to say.

Happy New Year to you and yours! If you believe in God, may He grant you a very good year, filled with love, laughter, happiness and much fun! If you don't believe in God, I'm gonna ask Him to grant you that anyways but you can pretend that I've only just wished you love, laughter, happiness and much fun in the coming year, no deity involved.

I got a number of messages (and one comment) asking me to consider leaving the blog up. Luckily for you all, I'm watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics and feeling connected to the world right now. Sorry, that last line was just me being an ass. I don't need the Olympics to make me reconsider. The truth is that I have a problem telling people no (yes I realize this has some pretty big implications but let's ignore them). Thus, although I don't know any of you I would feel terrible if I didn't grant you your request. 

I'll leave the blog up (for now) just in case it might help or encourage others out there who suspect that they are so not straight. For you peoples know that there is a light at the end of the long, dark and confusing tunnel! And read my adventures from this past year to feel better.

Hi all,

I hope life is treating you VERY well!

This is gonna be a surprising post to y'all but I came on here to tell (warn) you that I think I am going to stop posting here. This will be my last post. And I may actually go ahead and delete the blog. 

Now before you go off into a tizzy, let me explain.

A few minutes ago as I thought about the blog, what I wanted to share in my next post and why the blog exists, I came to the realization that it has served its purpose for me.  

I started the blog as a means to attempt to define my sexuality and to make peace with myself. Also, I wanted to get support from and encourage others out there who may be feeling the same things I was/am feeling.

Since I wrote that first post almost exactly one year ago, much has happened in my life. I've truly come to accept that I like girls. And that I like them more than guys.  Getting more specific about my sexuality is no longer so important. I am, in a word, QUEER. (Isn't it funny that it's the one word I never thought of putting in my little blog description?) I've also gone to LGBT and other queer gatherings. I've come out to other queer folk as well as a few friends and family members. I've made some peace with my religion and my sexuality. At 28 years old, I had my first relationship ever and it was with a girl. This relationship was truly satisfying and almost all that I hoped it would be. I also perhaps got to experience my very first heartbreak. No regrets though. I got the chance to be in a relationship - to care about someone and feel cared about. For that I am happy. I am happy also because all those things happened in a relatively short time span. I know many others take years to accept the way they feel, even longer to act on their feelings, and yet still longer to make any sort of peace with themselves. 

My general self-discovery journey isn't over and will never end as long as I am alive. But I no longer need the catharsis of writing for an audience. By the way, if I sound ungrateful, I do not mean to take that tone. You, my faithful followers (all couple hundred of you) and regular readers, were there for me as I poured out some of my most personal thoughts. I appreciate all of you: those of you who read, those of you who commented and those of you who sent me messages. Thank you! I hope life brings you all that you desire. May God watch over, protect and comfort you through whatever you are going through. Goodbye to you all and if I had to give you one piece of advice, it would be this: In life you must seize the day today so that you may have fewer regrets tomorrow.

Hola peoples,

I hope y’all are doing fine and dandy. Me? Regardless of how I actually feel at the moment, I think, or more specifically, my brain is telling me that three weeks is enough wallowing time for a close-to-3-month relationship, don’t you? I accept that this breakup was/is rough for me mainly because it was my first relationship where we spent so much time together and where I developed deep feelings for the other person. But now it is time to move on. Or at least stop boring you all with my sad posts.

I will say though that I definitely went through a day or two where I was like this

  Alright, I spent over a week like that but who’s counting? 

In my defense, the days surrounding our breakup coincided with some other kinda sad things happening in my life. And did I mention that on the same day me and the girl broke up main crush got married? Yep, pictures of her looking hot in her pre-wedding, wedding and post-wedding dresses were blowing up my Facebook feed. Just reminding me of things I could not have. So the first week of moping was not solely about the end of my relationship. The next two weeks, however, were all about it. :P

Anyways, I can already say that it was a wonderful experience and, despite the eventual pain, I do not regret it one bit. I also learned some things which I am going to share with you all because, well, do I need a reason?

1)      I DEFINITELY like girls. I really don’t understand how people think that just because a girl has never been with another girl she won’t know for sure whether or not she likes girls. We know!

2)      If it is a fling I am after or have agreed to do, my suggestion to my future self would be to lessen the emotional intimacy and also tone down the time spent together and the physical affection and intimacy. Or I could, you know, just avoid flings entirely.

3)      I think God might be on my side. Just before this relationship transpired, when I had never even met the girl, I prayed to God to help me find someone special and at least get to experience love a little. It was the first time in my life I’d ever done this…prayed for a mate. If you’re a Christian you understand the significance because I know that many single Christians pray to God daily to find them a partner. Also, when I wasn’t sure if she liked me, in the beginning when I was being all cryptic with you guys, I also prayed to Him to do His will. If it was meant to be with us, He should let it happen and if not He should let the opportunity pass. And it happened! So maybe just maybe He blessed the union! :)

4)      It is hard to be in a relationship and not be able to speak about it to close friends. At least I discovered that this was the case for me. So, along the way, I came out to a very select few of my close friends who I knew would be fine with it. I will also admit that some other friends know all about my relationship, except that they think I was with a guy the entire time. Oops!

The good thing is that even throughout the most difficult period post-breakup, I recognized that I would be okay eventually.

My version of our parting, sorta based on a part of Jenny Han's It's Not Summer Without You: 

I'm asking you all to let me wallow for a little bit more. So I bring to you another song. This song is What Hurts The Most by Rascall Flatts.

What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin’ to do...

Right. Clearly, you can see where my mind is at the moment. Unfortunately, that's all I have for now. That and the accompanying vid.

Hi everyone,

How goes it? I shouldn’t even bother apologizing for the length of time between my posts nowadays. All I’ll say is that I hope you all still like me a little.

The reason I haven’t written much is that I’ve been in a down mood for the past few days. This makes it hard to write upbeat posts. Peoples, believe me when I say that I’ve logged into Tumblr countless times over the past couple weeks fully intending to write something. However, once I started thinking about things that have been happening in my life over the past few weeks, I got overwhelmed by some pretty powerful feelings. Feelings that I’ve been keeping down (aka hidden) when out in my real world life. I didn’t want to go down the rabbit hole of exploring or thinking about these feelings too much. So each time the feelings threatened to come spilling out of me with no end in sight, I’d close the Tumblr page and stifle my heart. All in one fell swoop.

So what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know what I'll end up writing about today. In fact, I’m rambling now in this post to prevent myself from thinking too much before I go on. It’s just that every day it gets harder and harder to avoid what is gonna happen.

You know what? Let me stop speaking in riddles and try to end this pity party. I can do this. I can do this. 

I. Can. Do. This.

Ok!

My latest news is that I am getting ready to leave town in a little over a week. To start working in a new city. I am going to be moving very VERY far away from the girl. I think we are going to mutually agree to break up before I move because I don’t think that either of us believes in long-distance relationships. And we’ve both been implying that we’re not about getting in too deep. The bad thing is that I think that, despite my attempts, I have come to care about her a great deal. 

I got it bad. Love songs burst forth in my mind in the morning and spring naturally to mind at night as I prepare to go to sleep. And it is worse when she is in the bed with me.

I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a Lego house...There's one thing on my mind...I'm out of mind. I'll do it all for you in time. And out of all these things I've done. I think I love you better now…

Ed Sheeran’s song is awesome by the way.

Anyways, as I was saying, I care about her a great deal. So much that I would be willing to try a long-distance relationship, a pretty big deal for a "casual" person like me. But I don’t know how much she cares about me. And I’m scared to ask.

Lately, despite how completely happy I am when I'm with her, I can't help feeling sad. Is it possible for one's heart to feel like it is simultaneously soaring and breaking?

I have always been pretty good at hiding my feelings, i.e. my deep feelings, for someone. I’m all about being casual with people, both for friendships and relationships. Or more accurately, I’m all about ACTING casual with other people. I do this so that I won’t get hurt. Don’t get me wrong. I usually get hurt anyways because I usually really care about the other person. But my thinking is that (if I don’t verbally express how much I care about them or if I don't go overboard with showing them how much they mean to me) if our relationship ever goes south they won’t know the true extent to which they’ve hurt me. 

Yeah, I know. I’m crazy y’all. If you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time this would be something you already know.

Anyways, that Brian Melo song I posted earlier perfectly reflects my current feelings:

Slow down. Make it last. I’m having the time of my life. And take a photograph. I don’t want to leave this behind…

G’day everyone,

I am back with my promised post!

Graduation just happened this past weekend! So I am now the proud owner of a professional degree. 

Holla!

However, since I am also jobless I found that my pride at getting my degree was short-lived as I, unlike many of my classmates, (graduated and) am still without a job offer.

Back to happy thoughts.

My family was in town for the weekend. That was fun! For my new readers, I should let you know that I was honestly not being sarcastic just now. I truly love hanging out with my family. With that said, I should let y'all know that there were, of course, some really good highlights from their visit. For instance, the prayer that was said at my graduation breakfast included a public request to God that I find a man and start making babies soon. A request that was heartily seconded by many around the table. I am not kidding. I could not make this shit up. 

What else have I been doing? 

Hmm...In the weeks before graduation and all this week, I have had a lot of free time. But as you may remember from my earlier posts I am the world’s best procrastinator. Also, I am most unproductive when I have too much free time. So I have not really done any job-searching or really anything productive. 

And just to re-iterate, when I say I have not been doing any job-searching, I well and truly mean it. It’s gotten to the point where I have been giving vague responses to people who ask me of my job search progress. Because I’m too ashamed to let them know that I have been doing jack all in that regard.

Yep. That's what I do. I vaguely tell 'em I've been working on some things but nothing has panned out yet. Knowing very well that I have done naught in the past couple weeks. At the same time, this is probably why I am quick to smile and tell them that I think it will all work out. Because, based on my industry and desired occupation, I feel like I could find a job if I started looking seriously. My problem is that I am not really looking. And, although it has miraculously happened to me a couple times so far this year, it's generally hard to get an interview when you don't apply for jobs.

Of course, part of the reason for my job search procrastination has to do with the new dating relationship. I would like to think that I am fairly realistic. I had planned to move away shortly after graduation so I knew going into the relationship that I only had a short time to enjoy it and I would never want to place huge expectations on the girl. I most certainly jumped in thinking that it is probably just a fling and I shouldn’t get too involved. I also thought that even if I get a little bit too involved and get hurt in a little while it wouldn’t be so bad. Because my view is like I’ve always heard people say. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Of course though, my emotional side is not so cool and collected when it comes to actually being in this "relationship" and planning. I am having a hard time ignoring the fact that I plan to leave soon. Because moving means going away from what feels like such a good thing at the moment. Y’all know that I am good with denial. Ignoring my impending move should be a piece of cake for me. However, since my classmates and friends are leaving town one-by-one and there are numerous farewell parties where the main topic of convo is “When are you leaving town?” it is oh so hard to not think about it. Le big big sigh.

Anyways, come what may I am sure that I will be fine and it will be worth it. Whether it lasts two weeks, two months or two years, I am all about the experience. However, I do of course wish that I could slow down time to draw it out.

Moving on.

Today I also found myself thinking the same things I always think when I have a lot of free time and no income:

ONE) I should start writing a book and TWO) What business can I start quickly for little money and begin earning money immediately?