undecided

you know when i log on to this god damn website that i’m either fucked up or sad or most likely both. so here i am. and here i am wondering how my life fucking ended up like this.

it’s not just the cancer family shit. it’s everything else that i became that i thought i wouldn’t. not that i don’t like who i am, i just literally do not know who i am or what lies ahead. i don’t even know how i got to being who i am today. usually, people are ~sooooo~~~ grateful for everything in their lives that made them into the person that they are. how the fuck can someone justify that?? how can you sit there and be totally okay with everything in your life that has happened - whether it be your doing or not? i sure can’t.

this kinda shit usually happens when i come home. i’m surrounded by all of my belongings from high school, all of the sentimental shit that makes me actually feel something significant. i’m sure the people who knew me then know exactly what i’m talking about hahaha. fuck. and there’s most likely no going back on that shit. but that’s life, am i right?

it sucks to come to terms with an ending to a certain time of life. for me right now, it’s graduation. ucsb is literally coming to an end for me, and i’m terrified of being along and being isolated. from both my family and my friends. but, like most of my life, that’s probably my own doing. classic.