𝒸'𝑒𝓈𝓉 𝓁𝒶 𝓋𝒾𝑒

My hand feels stuck in this hardened earth,

Wonders have been done to those who surround me while I rot in this grainy soil in repentance.

Arm caught in scratches; bleeds the deep crimson so profusely I could taste the metallic nature to which it is docile.

Overwhelmed with paranoia yet I can’t seem to wail for refuge, choking on my own damn spit as if I seem to be intoxicated with this acid.

These cold shivers prevent me from feeling my own skin, have I committed a sin?

Goosebumps all over, my nerves are cold and bruised purple all the way till my heart

Now I’m buried in the ground, deep in feet till the decem.

As this solid floor becomes soft as a riverbed due to the tiny salt rivers,

For my own is barren.

The sky above looks magnificent, so unapologetically blue,

blue like the hair I once cut with disdain.

My methods of escape are anything but fruitful.

My hand still clutches incessantly onto the sandy plain, coordinated not by my senses but the last shred of hope my heart conceives.

A trail seeping from the glassy aperture, stare and I stare and stare.

Ruminating over a plethora of thoughts and wrongdoings but it is in fact my memories flashing in these ultimate moments.

And as the maggots eat my flesh, a horrible yet innocent prey in their hold.

It doesn’t gain them the prize of the true meat, rather the taste of guilt, shame, loathing and disappointment of sorts.

For when i replay through the moments, wondering if I ever once escaped unscathed.

The answer given is a question in return inquiring of my soul to deserve it,

my chest aches while I write this

but with each tug of pain at my heart

only one question arises

why have another child when you cannot care for it?

I am grateful

for the food at our table, the clothes, a privilege to study

but isn't that what a parent is supposed to do?

I feel the presence of a mother but not of mom

you seem to talk a lot about my sister

a prized possession

a trophy of victory

yet if I stand out somehow, you don't seem to care about it after a couple of mere minutes

and if I make a mistake, I feel as worthless as anything

for each victory of mine I share with you, you already have experienced it with my sister

but if I don't make it I might rub your name in the dirt

will i ever be enough?

lately we haven't been on good terms and I feel like an awful child

everyone seems to notice my terrible mood except for the person I want to notice

I love my sister, I really do

I feel so mad at your neglectful behaviour

but I feel so deprived of love

you never compare openly

but why can I see it in your eyes?

it's my mind overthinking, maybe it's all in my head

but this ache in my chest cannot be a false sensation