somirage

pitch for my new tarot card “The Emoji”

The vampire laughed when I called him evil for feeding on people. He called me hypocrite, and asked when I had last eaten the meat of an innocent animal. I replied that I was vegan. He got flustered, and spent the rest of the evening trying to recover from that one blunder in the conversation.

You're a Demon Hunter. A rather good one. Unfortunately, a demon has possessed your husband's body. You know it's your duty to kill the demon and free him. But he's way sweeter and kinder than your annoying pos of a husband. He loves cooking and he actually likes your hobbies. Don't fall in love!

I'm so old!! *laughs, rubs big belly, falls asleep in tar puddle

I hate podcasters because most of them are unremarkable people who happen to be celebrities, and that's fine, but they think they aren't unremarkable, and I hate that more than I hate anything else.

You've always been considered a mid-tier villain at best and not much of a threat. What they don't know is that you've never really put effort into it. Until now.

"Look, people only call it 'Dark Magic' because they don't know how it works. I prefer referring to it as 'The Old Ways-'" "Cut the bullshit. I just watched you sacrifice a kitten on an altar covered in skulls impaled on spikes. IT'S DARK MAGIC."

The villain shook his head in disbelief, dropping his weapon, "What kind of monster would send a fifteen year old to fight?" The child in the battle worn suit raised their weapon to the villains head, smiling, "Who else but myself?"

Tomorrow is the day you will be sacrificed to appease the spirits of the village. As you struggle to fall asleep in your steel cage, you notice a scaly hand place a strange potion, along with a note, in front of you before retreating into the shadows.

You are a villain who's powers and intelligence scale based on how much pressure you feel you're under. Unknown to you, there is a verbal understanding amongst the heroes and city leaders to humour you and apply just enough pressure to keep you inventing and not bored.

You've always had a sneaking suspicion that your friend was secretly a god pretending to be human, but you've never been able to prove it. Until they slipped up one day by doing something only a god could do.

You pretend to be a small-time villain. At worst, you annoy the local supers but your crimes never hurt anyone. All fun and games until things change when a truly sadistic super villain invades your turf and murders a few of the supers. No one has seen the extent of your true powers until now.

You were a child when you wandered into your fathers lab during an experiment. Since then you have been able to see the worlds beyond, and occasionally your father too. Today, as an adult, they are threatening to commit you, so you decide to pull something for the first time.

"What came first, the chicken or the egg?" Asked the sphinx. To which you answer: "The egg. It's the egg." You need to spend an hour explaining descent with modification before it begrudgingly acquiesces.

You've been "trapped" in a "VR" game for years, learnt magic, had a family, etc. But now they've "rescued" you from it all. Waking up on the hospital bed you reflexively cast a shield. Which works.

A bear has been spotted in your neighborhood. That was interesting enough on its own, but then you noticed the tag sticking out from its fur, one that looks an awful lot like the one that had been on the teddybear you lost when you were little.

"Why would I worship a god that sends children into life-threatening battles instead of warriors?" "...Are you talking about the magical girls, the choosen heroes, or the summoned people?" "I'm sorry, the WHAT?!"