Some Personal Queer Runes

I feel horrible!

That's my PSA

Have a good day!

Haven't been very active here recently. That's not from a lack of wanting to write, but rather of a lack of having time, privacy and internet-connection at the same time. Anyway, I'm doing pretty good. It's not a smooth ride by any means, but I'm doing far better than I have before.

I may or may not write here again, but if this is the last post, know that I'm doing good. If things get worse somehow, you can be sure I'll return.

Alright, so a while back, I mentioned some of the reasons I like playing Dungeons and Dragons, particularly being a dungeon master. To further elaborate, I like D&D mainly because It’s something I can do that is fun, and because it allows me to escape all the anxious thoughts in my head, in a way that nothing else can. It all seems like a great boon, but is it worth it?

For as long as I’ve played D&D I’ve spent a lot of time and energy into preparing the actual playing part, trying to make it as fun and interesting as I can for my players. I care a lot about D&D and spend a lot of time and effort for it, but time and time again it’s dismissed. Friends, people who have agreed to play with me, continually dismiss it. Either they change their mind, find out they can’t go, or just jump on the first opportunity to do something else. Often without giving any warning. When I’m sitting there with the 50% of players that decided to show up. it doesn’t feel good having to call around to the ones who decided to do something else, who are 2 hours away from being where we agreed because they didn’t bother. I know that for everyone waiting, it can be annoying to have our time wasted by people who suddenly decided they had better things to do, but for me it’s insulting, and it hurts. When I’ve spent hours of time and effort, (and no small amount of money, when it comes to rule books, dice, dungeon tiles I’ve crafted, subscription to software for making maps, etc.) and it’s all brushed off as nothing. When my time, and energy is considered equal to nothing, well, it’s no wonder I don’t have the best self-confidence. Especially considering how this is constantly happening.

Most recently, I was going to start a new campaign with a group of friends at my folk-college. we had created characters for almost everyone, I myself had probably spent somewhere around 40 hours creating the base principles of a new world, making a map, making nations, creating religions and mythos, helping everyone make character sheets, preparing the first session, etc. We had agreed upon a time and place for everyone to meet up, so that we could discuss together what we wanted out of the campaigns, what we did not wish to have in it. To have things like that out of the way, so that we wouldn’t have bumpy experiences while playing. The planning for this session 0 had gone nearly flawless, I was becoming hopeful that we would be able to play somewhat consistently, and without people dropping out at the last minute without warning. The time came, we were meeting up, and suddenly, one of the players ran by, hastily saying that he had been requested to be the actor in someone’s project only moments ago, and had to do that instead, before he ran off again.

Excuse me, but we had been planning to meet for a week, and you feel more obligated to do something you were asked to do only seconds ago?! What?! The logical thing to do would have been to go after him and say “no, you have made other obligations”. Of course, I didn’t do that. That was the last drop. I had had enough of having my time and effort constantly be dismissed and declared I didn’t want to DM ever again.

I have for so long viewed D&D as a sword to slice apart reality and seek refuge from anxious thoughts in my head. However, it seems this sword is cursed, and whenever I wield it, I am more likely to instead have it used by reality against me, to arm my anxious thoughts. “They don’t actually care about you” “You mean nothing to everyone else”. If I am more likely to be hurt in my pursuit of D&D, then to escape the harm I’m fleeing from, then I don’t see the reason to continue DMing. I won’t have any part in it anymore.

That was nearly a month ago. Ever since I arrived at that conclusion, I have wanted to be wrong. I have wanted to be convinced otherwise, to be proven otherwise. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about D&D since I decided to give it up. Partly because I now have created a universe that won’t be used at all. I considered writing a book that took place in it, but then my mind kept going for creating characters that would be vessels for the emotions troubling me, which is all I want to get a break from, not to delve further into. I’m still here, wanting to DM, but not wanting the hurt that comes with trying to organise it. No one have proven me wrong, nothing has proven me anymore right, but it’s time to come to a decision, and I can’t make up my mind. So, let’s decide this in true RPG style, by the roll of the dice. I have created a little table of alternatives, and it’s going to be decided at random. Shall I return to DMing in some form, or should I leave it behind, in the same way I’ve learned to do with toxic people. Where do I go from here:

First a coin toss to see whether or not to jump straight to a conclusion, or to use an algorithm...

I lost the coin, let me try again... DAMN IT! Can I not catch a coin?!

Alright, heads. Algorithm it is then.

Let’s roll a D6 (Normal six-sided die) to determine the final result.

Alright I got a 2...

That means I am to try again with my friends at the folk college, and explain to them how much time, energy and emotions I have invested in D&D, and how it hurts when people, the players, dismiss that without as much as a second thought. Hopefully, they will learn, and this won’t happen again, and if it does? Then I will stop playing with them. I will reach out to online friends I believe to be more trustworthy, and start a campaign with them, explaining all of this. And if it then keeps happening I will give up on DMing and leave it behind as if it’s a toxic friend. And I will do so with the knowledge, that none of my “friends” really care about me at all.

Hopefully this turns out alright, and if it doesn’t. Well, my self-esteem can’t go much lower than it is at the moment. Hopefully I won’t be proven wrong in that regard.

-Rune

Lately I've gotten a lot better at drawing, so heres a little illustration of what I do now when I feel overly anxious. A little fortress of solitude:

1) Laptop playing a podcast or something similar, to distract my thoughts and protect me from the auditory dangers of the world.

2) A wall to physically protect me from the material dangers of the world.

3) Another wall, at a 90 degree angle compared to the previous wall, also to protect me from the material dangers of the world.

4) sketchpad, to protect me from the visual dangers of the world, and distract my hands and creativity.

5) Improvised barricade made out of a backpack, to shield me further from the material dangers of the world.

6) sitting on a bed for +3 comfiness.

7) Plush rabit for +5 to AC against psychic damage.

8) Me* in my fortress of solitude, protected from the world around me.

* I am not naked, I have just refrained from drawing any clothes or details, as this is an anonymous blog, and drawing a self-portrait would be a bit dangerous...

I very easily get stressed out and overwhelmed. And these last couple of weeks have been very stressful, and my schedule asphixiately clogged up. It’s felt like I could hardly take a breath before I had to do the next thing on the to-do list, much less think. So to compensate, my brain has been going a mile a minute.

Trying to remember it all now, I can remember these topics:

* I don’t really enjoy Christmas * Am I a horrible person? * I really should be working on this thing * [Incomprehensible screeching] * I can’t stop debating whether or not I am a horrible person * I really really should be working on this thing * Oh, I am bullying myself now? I guess that’s a thing we’re doing now

So yeah, I’ve essentially been feeling, horrible, been horrible to myself and been breaking down frequently, whenever I could do so without being a nuisance to others. Love myself? Why would I love myself? Myself is the most horrible person in my life right now! I can’t stop thinking I am a horrible person. That I have been horrible to others. That I do not deserve others (or myself for that matter) caring about me. I don’t deserve care; I don’t deserve to be happy. There is a lot on my mind, bad things, and I can’t help but think it is my fault. I know this is good for me, I know that I shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t truly convince myself to stop. I can’t tell myself to try to get better, because I don’t think I deserve to get better. I keep debating whether or not I am a horrible person, or rather, how horrible I am, if I am redeemable. I keep debating, and I worry it is only a matter of time before I make my mind, and settle on something, and then consider something horrible, that there is no coming back from. Surely, I can’t be as bad as I tell myself. I know I’m not thinking rationally, but I cannot use logic here. Logic might me right more often, but emotions are more deeply rooted in the brain. Hey Metus? Metus (Metus is what I call my anxious thoughts. I think of it as a lunatic with a tinfoil hat with robes, because they don’t trust modern clothing, to give those thoughts less credibility): Yeah? You are meant to look out for me, keep me out from harm’s way, right? Yeah? Well you worrying about me being a good person, and how much people hate me is seemingly causing me to go down a very dangerous path! Oh, is that so? Yes, so please consider: for you, who live to worry about my wellbeing, what would be worse? Me potentially being a bad person? Or me falling apart and always remain in pieces? ... So? You value being a flawlessly good person very much, and it makes this decision difficult, my only hope is that you can (G/M)ary Sue it and work out how to be a better person, without considering... that. Well, I am certainly not a (G/M)ary Sue! Just the other day I wrote a poem about all the things wrong with me, and how it doesn’t matter because I’m improving. Being flawed, but improving is far better that being perfect, and never change, or so I think. But evidently, I hold myself to very high standards when it comes to being a good person. What can I do about that, Logos? Logos (Logos is what I call my logical thoughts): Well, you must accept that everyone, yourself included, make mistakes. You can’t make the right decision (the concept of right and wrong is inherently highly subjective) every single time. Well, I thought I had accepted that, but evidently, I haven’t, so what can I do? A few suggestions: Whenever you regret a past decision, take a moment to think “Yes I did that, but what’s done is done” (”and what’s eaten is eaten”, to quote your grandmother). When you find yourself thinking that you are a bad person, that anyone hate you, or that you deserve all things bad that happen to you, think to yourself “that may be so, but thinking that way will only cause harm to yourself, and possibly others, and that is of no use to anyone”, or shorten it down to “thinking that way will do no one any good”. Alternatively, you could use the technique of greeting those thoughts, thus acknowledging them, then show them the exit to your psyche, thus move on to think other things. And whenever you think to yourself that you might have been awful towards *that* asshole, remind yourself that he was awful to you, and his opinion of you bears next to no credibility. Anything you think about yourself can very easily be subjective, both good and bad. However, it is impossible to not have an opinion of yourself. Instead of stifling good thoughts and letting bad thoughts wreak havoc, I suggest you start stifling bad thoughts, and let your good thoughts live freely. At this point, your psyche is too hard on yourself for it to be possible for this to make you an obnoxiously arrogant person. Alright, I’ll try to do that, and see how that goes

That was strangely pleasant. Got to sort through some thoughts, and hopefully figured out a way to deal with them. There is more on my mind, but those thoughts will have to wait for another time, unless I want to overwhelm myself.

Fun fact: normally I am incapable of swearing. I can only really do it when I am in a truly awful mood, and even then, it's hard unless I am truly furious.

With that said: fuck me! Fuck this day! Fuck this week! And fuck the planet!

I recall that once, one or two years ago, something a girl in my class said. I overheard her saying "...Rune (I have a very finetuned ear for people saying my name. It even picks up on no one saying it. Either that or I can hear ghosts saying my name) doesn't count though." When she noticed I looked up, due to hearing my name (since it wasn't ghosts this time) with a puzzled expression she said "You don't count as a boy because unlike them (I think she's referring to the boys in our class) you're not rude, you're nice and polite." I was about to argue, but upon realizing all she said was in fact true (gender non-binary and polite in conversation), I just raised my shoulders and nodded "true".

It's weird those moments people can tell I'm different, but not quite what it is, but aren't rude about it.

Just something I recalled.

This is weird (queer even). I feel gender-fluid, but normal gender-fluid. It's like I have fluctuated into being gender-fluid. Before I have referenced my gender-fluidity being like a map, and it's as if I on that map has stumbled upon a downscaled version of the map. I didn't know I could do that. I have fluctuated into being gender-fluid and is within that fluctuating between genders. Can I be gender-fluid within gender-fluid? How far down the rabit-hole can I go? Has anyone else experienced this?

- Rune

[Now listening to Override [A], [B] and [C] by Area 11] Sometimes I heavily doubt myself. Not my worth, my abilities or any of that, but if I am who I think I am. If I have a horribly skewed image of who I am in my head. I wonder if I have severely misinterpreted myself. Am I actually gender-fluid? Or am I just someone who doesn’t know how to be a man in the modern world and thus seeks to be something else? Am I asexual? Or am I just someone who believed sex to be something horrible, due to the taboo around it; have experienced something disgusting in regard of it before I was ready, and thus regards all things sexual as disgusting without thinking about it? Am I just someone who have lived somewhere that is so utterly safe, peaceful and happy for so long that I over-interpret my own emotions, and conjure my own problems in order to not live a boring life? Am I just deceiving myself? All of these would be expressed the same, but are very much different. Am I even a real person, if I can be this uncertain about something as fundamental for my identity as my gender and whether or not I care for sex? Am I just a broken individual?

I know for certain that I don’t want to have sex with anyone, anything or at all. By definition, that should make me an Asexual. Open and shut case. But is that because I fundamentally have no interest in sex, or is it because some part of me is broken? That something made me think that sex is disgusting while I was growing up? I recall so very well the very first time I was disgusted by a comment regarding genitalia and pleasure. I also remember that before I hit puberty I felt excited, I envied my peers who had already hit puberty, and looked forward to it myself. However, I very clearly remember when it hit as well. I regretted wanting it, I hated it, I wanted to go back. I hoped and begged that it wouldn’t continue, but it did, and it felt wrong. It felt as though it wasn’t a part of me. It felt as though it was a contrast to me. To this day I wish I now was without genitalia, and when I’m upset, I often make the motion of cutting deep into the skin around it and removing it in one quick motion. But as alien as it feels, it’s still a part of me, I can’t hide it from myself, I can’t ignore it, I can’t think it away, no matter how hard I try. I know that because I have most certainly tried.

I’ve been afraid of even thinking about embracing it because I don’t trust myself to make that an option, it feels so utterly wrong. but when I have spent years now disgusted by myself for having the genetics of a human, and hating myself for it, isn’t it time to try something else? I know I still don’t want to do it with anyone, but perhaps I should try to stop being disgusted by it? Stop being offended about it being brought up around me? Stop being disgusted by myself when biology brings such thoughts to mind? In this regard, I no longer think I am broken in regard to not having an interest in sex, but broken in regard to being disgusted by it. If I am wrong to try being ok with my biology, it is a risky choice, but what if it isn’t wrong? What if it what I have needed to do all these years? I think it might be. I think it might be time to try being ok with my biology, accept it as a part of myself. To keep ignoring it doesn’t seem healthy.

I know for certain that some days, sometimes, I don’t like having the gender expression of a man or a boy. I know for certain that some days I want to appear more feminine and wear dressed, skirts or a bunad. I know some days I don’t care, and some days I feel like both. Sometimes I feel like different parts of me are different genders at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I deep down is the gender of what I want to appear like. I recall for a long time thinking that I wasn’t quite male and wasn’t quite female, and if forced to say something about it, I would say I identified as gender-neutral, but that didn’t feel right either, so I would want everyone to stop using genders and traits associated with them, and just start using each other’s names. It was only when I read the second book of Magnus Chase by Rick Riordan that I learned about gender-fluidity, and it resonated with me. Finally, I understood the moments I felt like making or wearing a dress, finally it made sense those times when I didn’t feel particularly like a boy, nor a girl. Yes, perhaps some of it comes from the ambiguity of what being a man means in this modern world, but I know deep down, I am fluctuating. I occasionally feel female, I occasionally feel male, I occasionally feel neither, between or both. I am now certain, and without doubt that I am fluid and gender-queer.

Am I just someone who has lived too nice a life to know what true struggle is? Probably. We humans measure our pain, sadness and happiness by the saddest and happiest things that have happened to us is. But different people go through the same things differently. My troubles are still real, but perhaps less important than other’s. However, if I am to function efficiently, and be able to help others with their struggles, I need to take the time to address my own. I can’t ignore them. All of this is just part of being human. Symptoms of being human, if you will. I am very much guilty of being human, I have no doubt of that.

- Rune

I have a very motherly personality. I'm being called mommy Rune (they don't call me Rune, but this is a private blog where I won't write my real name) by several friends here at the folk-college. And it makes me wonder about parenthood.

All these gender-identities coming to light is still very new. I can't help but wonder how it will interact with parenthood, or being a grandparent. Is there something neutral between mom/mother/mommy/mamma and dad/father/daddy/pappa? Nun/nuther/nunny/nanna(I'm going with n and u as those are easy sounds early in a child's speech)? How will it all work? Grandnuther?

Of course, for me, having children is far off, and probably won't happen given my opinion on sex (although, adoption is very much an option... I will need to discuss that with my future partner...(Hey! I didn't immediately go "if anyone will ever love me!", that indicates a great boost in confidence!)). What I wonder is, what would I be? Would I be a mom? Dad? Parent? This isn't a simple manor of pronouns, this is about what a child, your own child will call you. What your name is to your child. There is no simple gender-neutral answer, as I usually prefer. However, given my motherly behavior, and already being nicknamed "mommy Rune" (maybe I'll change my name to Rune. It is a male Norwegian name, but it sounds neutral... meh, another debate for another time!), perhaps I will some day will simply be a little child's mommy. That feels right to me. Makes me feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside too ^_^

- Mommy Rune

That evening I ended up speaking with my fellow queer-bud, and told them what was on my mind. I was told that if I want someone to stop doing something, the only thing to do is to tell them to stop. I still don't know where that leaves me feeling about my little moral dilemma. I guess that if I tell someone to stop, I'm making them measure the need to make me comfortable against the need to do the thing that makes me uncomfortable. Both of which I imagine to have very low values. If they stop, then start again, I can ask them to measure their needs again by saying stop again. And again and again and again. If they repeatedly continue, I know what they value more and there is nothing more I can do.

I feel bad about giving an ultimatum, though. Even as weak as it is. I guess I feel bad about imposing my will on others in general. Maybe I'm only scared about that because I know the nuances of rethorics, and think the only way not to manipulate others is to not have an opinion, and stay as neutral and logical as possible... which probably isn't healthy, I should allow myself opinions and to voice them. But now that I think that, I don't know what opinions to have. I don't want to manipulate others, I know how horrible it can be to be manipulated. I think I do. I can't tell if I was manipulating myself or manipulated into thinking I was manipulating, to more easily be manipulated. Maybe we were just two human beings interacting? Maybe I can't tell what was the reality of the situation, but I'm starting to see the scars of it... Regardless, it's probably within my rights, and doesn't make me a hypocrite to ask someone to stop. To say the word stop... Probably...

In other news, I had a chat with the friend who was calling me "the man" and explained how I felt about it, and he agreed to stop, and didn't think any less of me for it. It's important I remind myself of that last part. Furthermore, he is working on a book, and while reading what he has thus far, I noticed a reference to that discussion we had and gender-fluidity. It made me happy to see him taking this to heart, and I told him as much. However, it didn't make sense in the context of the book, and I said that as well and suggested a slight edit. I was surprised to see how good he was at writing.

- Rune

Thanks to google translate, I now remember it is “hykler”. Though, I still don’t think I will go speak with my friends now, as they are busy. Instead I’ll go and karate into the night!

Today I decided to go to the local café for dinner along with some friends I don’t know that well. While there, the humour took a very dark, and very inappropriate turn. I haven’t written so here before, but I find most things around sex and genitalia revolting. So, when the conversation took a very dark turn towards paedophilia and rape and other such things, I became highly uncomfortable. Some members of the group present knew that I preferred to stay far away from anything regarding sex, but they stayed on the subject all the same. Heck, my visible discomfort became part of the humour there. I tried to play along slightly with the humour and how my brain was “censoring most of the conversation” to ease my discomfort. I hoped that if I did that, the subject would eventually change. It didn’t, in fact, the chef came and joined the conversation, and for a moment it seemed as if the others decided that they should change the subject because an “adult” (what? Most of us were over 18, we are adults!) was now present. However, as soon as it came forth the chef also had such dark humour, it got even worse. I just tried to finish my meal as quickly as I could, then leave, while keeping my brains automatic censoring feature running overtime. I left feeling very upset, but tried not making a scene of it.

Now, why did I not ask them to stop? Given how uncomfortable I was? Because I this summer realized that would make me a filthy hypocrite. I had noticed that every argument I could use against people discussing sex and things of a sexual nature in front of me, could, and probably will be used against me expressing myself as gender-queer (Ha! Nearly made you think this was a blog about more than just my gender-identity!). “It makes me uncomfortable”, “It’s just not how our social structure is built”, etc.. I can’t rightfully say these things about sex without accepting them thrown against lgbtq people. So, what did I do? In a heartbeat I decided that I have to accept people around me discussing sex in my presence. As much as I dislike it, I must either accept that, or accept every argument against me expressing my gender identity. If I deny people discussing sex, I am no better than those who deny lgbtq people and lgbtq youth from expressing their identity, no matter what it is.

Until now it has been ok. Now and then it has left me feeling slightly uncomfortable, but that is something I just have to deal with. Plus, my brain is very good and censoring things I don’t want to process, I hardly remember anything from the conversation at the café. However, thus far, it had only been brief mentions and references here and there, and if there would be anything more serious, I would know beforehand and brace myself. This time however, was the dirtiest thing I’ve ever been near, and I hadn’t braced myself. I was anticipating a nice little dinner with friends at a nice little café. I was not prepared to be spending the whole time waiting for the food, and the whole time eating to fight mentally against knowledge that would make me disgusted I knew, and to not process enough information to start vomiting at the table. I left early feeling very displeased, and with them laughing at having spoken enough dirty things to make me leave. Because as much as I feel I have no right to exercise this mentally over others, I still find sex to be one of the most revolting things on this planet. And no amount of logic can change my feelings, not directly, anyhow.

What bothers me furthermore, is that I really should be speaking to someone about this, like some of the closer friends I’ve gotten here at the folk-college. Whenever something bothers me, I recluse myself away from everyone. I don’t let them know that I’m feeling bad. I distance myself from everyone, either fighting the air in the dark of the night, sitting behind the gym, crying, or by sitting at my computer, in my room, writing to this blog. Even if I feel like I don’t have the right to feel the way I do (I know that it’s ok to feel however I feel, it’s just that I feel I can’t act on those feelings without making others feel bad too...), I shouldn’t feel like I’m not allowed to say what’s on my mind. Not saying what’s on my mind isn’t healthy, and I’ve been doing that for far too long. It really helps to speak with someone, and perhaps I still will, once I remember the Norwegian word for hypocrite...

-Rune

Finally fulfilling this promise. There has been a lot to do and little time for doing things lately, so I haven’t had the time to sit down and write this. Things are still busy, so I should probably be sleeping instead of writing this, but I feel obligated to do this.

Dungeons & Dragons has for a long time been an outlet for my gender identity, and I didn’t even realise until somewhat recently. In the game you can roleplay a character you’ve made, it is a no-brainer you can choose what gender you want to play as. Naturally, when I have been a player, I have created a character that is one of the old familiar binary genders and is then stuck playing that gender for as long as we play. I’ve played as both male and female. On certain days I felt uncomfortable playing one character of a gender I didn’t match at the moment (because of being gender fluid). However, most of my experiences with D&D are not as a player, but as a dungeon master.

As a DM, I can quickly go between genders by jumping between the NPCs I play as. As a DM, I don’t feel like I have to stay in one gender, quite the opposite, I feel as though it is expected of me to use various characters of different genders, to create a more immersive world. I can go between gender expressions without feeling like I’m breaking with social conventions, and it feels great to have the freedom. Only problem is that I’ve realized that when I create NPCs, I tend to create the characters of the gender I’m identifying as in that moment. Which wouldn’t normally be a problem, it should create diversity. However, when I am writing about villain NPCs one day, and helper characters another, it is easy to accidentally create a whole lot of villainous males and helper females, or vice versa.

However, I was still sticking to binary genders inside of D&D. That changed when I got a hold of Mordekainen’s Tome of Foes this summer. In it was many things, but amongst others was a section more detailly describing elves and their culture. I recall reading about their main god, Corellon, and thinking “Huh, their main deity is basically gender fluid”. Then I kept reading and came across “Blessed ones of Corellon”, essentially, elves used to be gender fluid (and otherwise fluid as well, but that’s another story) in their primal time, but because a conflict involving various deities, elves and a divide forming amongst the people, that changed. Elves stopped being fluid. However, occasionally, there comes an elf that is neither male or female. Or an elf that changes, not only gender, but their sex from day to day. These rare elves are called blessed ones of Corellon. Throughout the book there was more indirect mentions of nonbinary gender, like devils and demons not really having gender and finding it a pointless construct, and only adopting apparent gender because they couldn’t be bothered to explain it to mortals.

I found the rules for blessed ones of Corellon amazing, and I quickly adopted them, and home-brewed (a term meaning making up my own rules for something for D&D or other roleplaying systems) similar rules for other races in the D&D universe I was constructing at the time. Wizards of the Coast had added a way for people to experiment with gender in their game, on a level I have seen no other RPG do before, and I love that they have done so. But not only that, they opened my eyes to the fact I didn’t have to create binary characters, and since then I have made sprinkled in NPCs that are gender fluid or gender neutral or non-binary in my adventures.

It was only after reading this part of Mordekainen’s Tome of Foes that I realized how I have been using D&D as an outlet of my gender identity, and figured out why, in my last campaign, men tended to be evil, and women tend to be good. since then I’ve taken this into account, and also subtly put into place the opportunity to be whatever gender I identify as I play. Usually by having balanced male and female NPCs that frequently are around each other. And also having some non-binary characters about that I can use if I want to. One example being a male dwarf and female gnome traveling someplace, escorted by the players, and they all come to a town filled with animated skeletons (that could be any gender). In this example, while playing, I could roleplay more as the dwarf if I felt male, or roleplay more as the gnome if I felt female. If I felt both I could use both, if I felt like neither, I could always be a non-descript skeleton writing things in the dirt for the players.

Also, using the blessed ones of Corellon rules can be a gateway to telling someone I am gender fluid. If someone is planning to play as an elf, I could show them the blessed ones of Corellon rules and ask them if they wanted to use that. Later on, I could say “I have those rules in real life, I am like this character you have played as”. Because several I have played with have taken these rules into use!

I have yet to play a character blessed by Corellon myself, but I have prepared a character that is blessed, and I look forward to playing as them. Of course, D&D has a lot more to offer than just allowing you to be a bit weird with gender. I recommend playing it, it’s a whole lot of fun (as long as everyone is friendly and respectful)! The imagination is the limit of what can happen, and what you can do or be in the game! I love it!

-Rune

I have worked out why I have these sudden attacks of anger, anxiety and general despair (I didn't even realize it was happening multiple times until I noticed having written two very similar posts here)!

It's because I got no ideas or plans for the future. I'm currently at a folk college for a year, but beyond that my future is up in the air. (Hey, that rhymed!) Folk college costs money and I'm building up debt in order to be here, and I have no plan regarding how to repay it. I feel like what I do here doesn't help out my plans for life. Having no plans for the future fills me with anxiety. Not knowing how I will repay the loan fills me with despair and sadness. And feeling like I'm not improving myself or making additions to my skillset fills me with anger at myself. I feel sad that at the end of the year, I will be torn away from the new friendships I have made.

However, now that I know what is causing these motions, I can work on it. (Now listening to "So what" by mama bares) First of all, I can remind myself that the whole point of coming here in the first place was to test myself and work out what I wanted to do. I shouldn't expect to have a plan ready after just two months.

Secondly, I am improving. Not only have I learned new things related to the subjects in class, but I am improving socially and mentally. From an outside view, it may not be visible, but I highly needed this. I'm finally interacting with other people instead of just sitting quietly in the corner (I still do that occasionally, but not as often). I'm working on my self-confidence so that I can have the gender-expression I feel like. I am being my own person, trying to form my own thoughts and opinions, not forming my life around everyone else. I am becoming an individual.

Of course I will probably not see most of my friends anymore after this year, but we can keep contact online. And perhaps meet up occasionally. And if we don't, that's ok, if I've learned one thing recently it is that friendships shouldn't be forced to last.

It's ok. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to be upset good things come to a close. But it's also ok that it happens. If I demanded homeostasis in my life, I wouldn't allow myself to be gender-fluid.

"So I don't know what's next.

So what?

Sometimes not knowing's best and I'm ok with that" - mama bares.

I took a long walk in the forest, screaming my lungs out, listening to a whole lot of angry-like music. I'm still listening to it. While I was gone, I was sendt a message by one of my friends asking if I wanted to play some video games. I only saw it once my phone connected with the wi-fi at the school. I didn't feel like I was going to explode in rage anymore, but could have crumbled down into tears at any moment, so I didn't answer. Now I'm starting to feel like I could explode again and I just want to break this damn cycle!