Eden

Spanish never really feels like spanish unless i’m talking to someone who’s either hispanic or actually speak spanish. Like i’ll saying “amig@“ to my non hispanic pals and it’ll just be a word but i’ll say it to RaEs or Liz and it’ll feel like an actual WORD like one with meaning. Idk. I just sent Liz “i miss you the most amiga” cuz she moved out to college and she sent back “te extraño también” and idk it just feels nicer ya know ?

JuSa has been telling me about how i’m so cool cuz i hang out with the cool kids now. But i dont think it counts when they literally forget your they’re or uninclude you unintentionally. Like on wednesday we were at SaWe house and i said something and she went “damn ngl i forgot you were here” and idk it kinda hurt cuz i had been talking ans stuff. Idk and then today whenever LuHu RaEs ans SaWe were together she would always kinda stand so that i was on the outside of their little triangle and idk if she meant it but it didnt really good at all. And then once we got back to the gym after the tour the three of them sat without me and when they said “stand up if you’re a junior” both RaEs and I stood and tge too of them cheered really loudly for them and LuHu only remembered to look at me and clapp as we were sitting. Idk i felt like i had to try to so hard to be noticed and it was exhausting and eventually i just gave up and just kinda drifted between people and sometimes i was straight up alone and i felt so awkward. Idk. I’m just really sad about it. They say im part of the group but i just really dont feel like i am when things like this happen. Which makes me feel even more like shit cuz i’ve known them longer and RuEn just joined the group and they fucking love him. Maybe i’m just not that cool. Maybe i shouldnt be a part of the group

I think I have a good voice, but compared to DaWa, LuHu, and RaEs? I’m fucking trash. They asked me to replace SaWe. SA FREAKING WE WTF???? Her voice is a million times better than mine. High notes are kinda rough for me and i also just cant sing as loud as any of them while still sounding good so Tuba Mirum went great but you could BARELY hear me over the piano and it’s literally my own fault for not being able to sing louder