this isn't serious

The overwhelming part of it, for me, is that my 20′s were so RICH and vibrant and full of life and I don’t want to say goodbye to them. Yes, I was in two disastrous relationships for a good portion of the decade, but actually my memories are not overshadowed by them at all.

It’s the other things that stand out to me. The grand themes and issues I dealt with, the trips and adventures, the people I met and said goodbye to, the obstacles I overcame, the successes I enjoyed, and every tiny jewel and detail that I got to grab along the way. I remember driving around in my car at 3am screaming Maximo lyrics out of loneliness. I remember EuroAdventure2008 and partying to an embarrassing extent. My 21st birthday in Paris where I got abandoned by a dude from the foreign legion (what was I thinking).

I remember the work and effort I put into learning a new language. The pleasure and sense of purpose I got from school.

I remember the absolute thrill and adventure of stepping off the train in Lille as I commenced my year abroad and thinking “You’re on your own, now”.

I remember hitting up the vending machines at 4 am in downtown Lille or if we were REALLY lucky, a kebab joint or restaurant that happened to be open, as we waited for the metro to open at 5. I was mainly nocturnal at this point.

I remember discovering my deep love of dancing as a new form of music-based expression. Dancing to Prince while Renee was in the booth at Fuze Box. Long 2am drives with Shift(x)^2 while I tried to work out the unhappiness in my head.

I remember seeing the Northern Lights with Shannon when we got back from grocery shopping in Akureyri, Iceland.

I remember going wild at karaoke with Kat and her husband when I went to visit them in Portland.

I remember being there with Mike to celebrate his 30th birthday in his rainbow toga.

I remember cuddles with Maxwell and Claymore, sitting in the sunshine on the stoop of my mother’s house- a place that is filled with love and restorative energy.

I remember going to climate marches with my mother, and being so proud to be by her side while we stood up for something we care about.

I remember midnight bike rides and running as fast as I could for the hell of it.

Time is linear in one direction and it can feel very wrong and distressing when nothing seems to be progressing the way you'd like. Things have been stagnating for me now for much longer than I'm used to and much longer than I am comfortable with.

I spent today doing many things that I haven't done since last Spring. The intention was to treat myself but now it feels like instead of not moving at all, I'm moving backwards.

I don’t want to go back to the past.

~ S and I are going to Iceland. We were just approved for our airbnb in Akureyri. We’re going to drive there in a rented car from Reykjavik. The whole thing is going to be spectacular.

~ I’m getting really tired of my skin problems. I touch my forehead and I can watch the dead skin falling off. I scratch my cheek or nose and draw blood. I currently am experiencing painful patches on my upper lip and chin. My boyfriend touches my face and I flinch because the ultimate horror would be someone else discovering these things about you. I have to say, though, that despite all of this, N hasn’t failed to make me feel absolutely beautiful, sexy, wanted, and cherished.

is draining the meaning out of everything I love. I stopped exercising, I stopped  making music, I stopped studying language, and I greet every day with an indifference I’ve never experienced before.

is gnawing away at me and I cannot put my finger on what it is.

last night I could have sworn it was the weight of the enormity of time. if you decide to open doors into someone else’s past, out of a hunger, a curiosity, a desire to know more about who that person is, you have to be wary of the complex emotions that can arise as a result.

yeah, you missed out on years of this person’s life. and they missed out on years of yours. you were someone that he will never know, and vice versa. life passes in a flash.

it feels heartbreaking.

mana is getting married in one month.

it’s enough to make me want to lie down on my floor and not move. it’s numbing.

There is so much beautiful music out there...

“I wanted to be there with you

So sleep deprived. So out of it, so loopy.

Today was such a slow day at work. Le Petit Jardin only had 9 students, and only three in the afternoon. I spent the day desperately trying to stay awake. And being totally lax with John Paul and making him laugh because fuck it, he’s three years old and he wants to play and be silly and I want to indulge that sometimes. Three year olds shouldn’t be constantly told to get back to work. Fuckin’ Montessori...

I feel bad for being irritated with Yamily because I know she is only trying to learn a lot in order to do her job well. I know the problem is with me because it’s just so hard for me to give a shit.

Oh man my stomach is revolting against me. My body is sending clear signals that I need to stop wasting time and go to bed.

The “me” that seemed to start to emerge as the cold of winter melted away has retreated again.

Whatever I am going through, and I hesitate to name it, because I can’t really think of a word that can encapsulate it or punch strongly enough, is much more jagged and desperate this time around.

I’m lonelier than I have ever been and any attempts to soothe it come off like throwing a lit match into a dark dark and empty night. I end up seeing emotional hallucinations, too. My state of solitude distorts things and I see people as being more suitable company than is probably true.

I’m desperate for my life to get off these rails and switch directions but when it comes to making any actual decisions I am floundering. I feel impotent yet I am humming with a dangerous stored energy.

And the worst part is that I only feel this way about half the time. I wake up in the morning during the work week and I am brimming with hope and the sunshine is bursting out of my chest. But I spend an entire weekend to myself, like I just did, and I can’t even watch a frivolous happy movie because I am mad that the characters have such perfect lives.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what is going to happen.

I stay pretty optimistic, now that the ice is melting

I’m fairly confident that something nice and lovely will happen to me before too terribly long

just getting home from what was essentially a 14 hour day of giving love and care. pretty physically and mentally exhausted. 25 young'ns came to pizza and game night. I was a "horsey" for a portion of the evening. I had to constantly save Kai from markers on his face/eating glue/pouring water on the floor/himself in general. my hands are so dry they are bleeding. I'm covered in toddler tears and probably snot. you know, normal stuff!

but I think that in this state someone went over me with a hole puncher. what's shining through is longing/despair/questions/tenderness/small thoughts that want to be articulated. maybe it's that after being on all day I can actually turn completely inward.

want to do music very badly and this is one of those times where I would really benefit from living alone so I could do so.