tides of neptune

Have you ever thought about how alone you are?

Maybe it’s just me, that I just think of such a startling realization before I drift to sleep. And yes I know I’ve got family, I’ve got friends, I’ve got you, whoever you are reading this. Or you’ll have those people who say they’re always there but then they simply aren’t. The idea of them is there, and that’s what you hold on to. You deny that they aren’t what you need. Wait for them to prove you wrong, they hardly do.

Maybe you have those people too, the ones who take you for granted when you’re bending over backwards trying to make things happen for them. One day I’ll stop, maybe. But isn’t the thought of them being there enough to keep you coming back? Yeah, for me it is.

I’m alone.

That’s not meant to sound upsetting. More of a declaration of sorts. Sometimes it is, when you wake up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and wish you had someone to calm you down, that sort of thing. Or when you have amazing news and you reach to call your friends and you can’t decide who would even bother picking up.

Mostly I think about how it’s just me, I’m my own team.

Which is both the best and worst thing. Surprisingly enough you can still be let down just as much, you can still be poisoned by negative thoughts, you can still question who you are.

My worst enemy is doubt, it’s crippling. And when you’re alone, a single doubt can take you out for days. It’ll fester in your mind until it nestles so deep it becomes a part of you. And who is supposed to believe in you when you stop believing in yourself? Who’s going to bother? Overthinking and doubt go hand in hand, each of them rooted in saturated evil. Overthinking my doubts, that’s where it gets dark.

I am alone.