I paint stuff for fun :)

November 26th

The project has been very quiet the last few months, so quiet that only myself and one other member is active. Earlier in the year we also lost one our talented artists and now it seems no one wants to be a part of this thing anymore. That, or everyone is too busy?

I can’t work on the project alone and I always would give up on it when I tried to do everything myself. The project is almost a way for me just to meet some cool people, and I really did look forward to that. I hope that if people are still interested that they are doing ok and looking after themselves. I’ll be here running the project until people start showing up again.

Some things have happened this year that have given me a lot of things to think about. One of these things would be being clearer with who I am and what my intentions are. I hope that this year can be a good year of healing and one where I can finally find my way in life again. My presence here on this site has been both rewarding and something that keeps me working towards what I want to do. Honestly I never expected to find such amazing people here, and you can say that I "inspired you" but the truth is that you guys inspired me to do better. I was never one comfortable or proud of the things I do, but now I feel like I can look back at what has led up to this moment...and I don't feel very much regret at all.

Thank you for everyone who has stuck with me despite the things I have done and the burdens I’ve brought to them. You guys are my heroes.

Being naive is not inherently a bad thing, but make sure you’re careful with the people you deal with. Not everyone is as friendly as they seem and when something happens, you will take a huge hit to your mental health.

Figured that I’d keep you all posted on what’s to come after my exams :)

Note: I have no more room for requests!!!!! :(

You would think that someone would be more understanding of the person you are if you talk to them for about a month or so, but apparently none of my words meant anything anyway. I can't expect anyone to forgive my actions, but I do expect you to recognise your own faults when they pass and hold yourself responsible for them. From a simple vague phrase that does not insinuate hate nor judgement, you blocked me from everything. I slept late after writing a long essay for chemistry, and woke up early the next morning to finish writing my application form's "history" segment. I sacrificed study time for an upcoming test, only to be later framed as "I don't care about your project." I asked if I could help out other project members, but apparently "I don't care about your project." I spent my time asking you questions through DM, which never received any response, despite seeing you chat in your RP group. It was clear to me that you were intentionally ignoring me, but I could never understand the reason why, as I believe at the time I had done nothing wrong. Your method of blocking me from everything was a low thing to do, considering you gave yourself the position of the judge and gave my sentence without even allowing me to explain myself. If you truly valued me as a friend at all, you would have considered taking the time to understand what was going on or even asked me to explain what I meant, but you never did. 

Whether you knew or not, the paintings I did at the time were for you because I truly believed you enjoyed them and I felt like it was worth my time to paint something for people who I respect, and clearly that effort has gone to waste. I look up to you because I was inspired by the amazing things that you could do, and I respected that. I still do. Regarding the free art situation, I asked both artist if there was anything that could be done to repay them. Both have yet to properly respond, but you cannot fault me by saying that I abused the system when I clearly still intend to repay them for their art. Even though you will likely never see this nor reply to this, I will say that I have learnt some valuable lessons from this, and even if the pain I feel will take some time to fade, I will continue to do what I love for the sake of others and for my own sake too.

My only wish is that we could have ended this on better terms.

So as things turn out, I screw things up hard with this friend of mine. I respected them so much, and part of why I was so inspired to work harder on my project was because I saw a lot of things in this person I believed that I could improve upon to benefit the people that surround me. I’m physically unable to work today yet I know I’ll probably go to work anyway. 

Throughout my life I’ve made so many sacrifices to help others over myself, and now that I am to be called selfish by a friend...hurts more than anything. I need some time off to heal and patch up my mistakes. Even though I know I have a few friends to talk to about this, I refuse simply because I don’t want to involve the people I care about. 

It feels like every time I try to make a friend or just try to get to know someone that I think are cool and look up to, I am misinterpreted when I try my best to be genuine. I know the best way to do things is to take things slow...I know that well. The hard part is trying to not do that when you haven't had anyone to properly talk to about life issues for years. And I literally mean years. It feels like crap to screw up so something like this, and even if it isn't entirely my fault, I will gladly take that blame. To have someone you trusted and looked up to just completely cut you off, it hurts. I don't even care if this person will not forgive me or doesn't want to be friends, that's fine and I can live with that. What I can't live with is how this has ended. In no way is that what I’ve intended, and I have a funny feeling we have both misinterpreted each other. If you happen to know who this person is, I beg of you not to bring hate and judgement. If you want to do that, please target that at me, for this is what I deserve for making such a muck-up. 

I used to have many friends in the past, but as time went by the ones that I trusted the most all disappeared one by one until the present day, where I no longer have any to consider close. I had hoped that this year would be a success, but I guess with every success comes a failure.

I hope you have all been well.

Until next time.

I think everyone’s first thought when in stress is to naturally avoid what is making them feel this way. Playing piano was once one of these escapes for me, but I think my overuse of it as an escape ultimately destroyed it. Painting is a fresh hobby that I found useful for stress relief, but since I am only able to paint freely during long holiday periods, I am not able to rely on it during uni. 

That being said, this means that I have to face my fears and conquer them without having to back down or hide from them. Even though they both provide that escape, it’s only temporary. I am glad to be forced to face these fears because it gives me a chance to challenge and improve upon myself. 

Here’s a new painting. Have to wait half a year to paint freely again lol. Sorry.

So as you may know (or not), I have been busy prepping for university. University started yesterday, and I can definitely say that I will come across struggles in the future. This year will be a very difficult one, but for the sake of everything, I’ve got to stay strong and fight for the majors that I want. In 2017, I had a pretty bad mindset, and this year I want to start anew and just throw myself at these challenges. Even though I’m not going to have much time for painting for a while, I think it’s also good for me to take a break. 

At one point of my painting hobby, I began to paint way too regularly and it actually became too focused about satisfying people rather than myself first. I’m not saying that I don’t care about friends and family and my supporters, because of I love them all. Without them, I would be nowhere near where I am today.

By making content that was focused on satisfying other’s needs, I never felt satisfied with what I painted. I think now that I am painting what I really love again. Even though I feel like the ‘golden age’ has past, I now realise that my primary goal had become all about numbers, whereas it should have just stayed a hobby. If you haven’t noticed, my work has been far from landscape paintings for a long time until recently, and that I have been painting a large range of different things too. 

Tumblr has literally become a place for me to vent about life, but I guess that’s what many others use it for too. 

I wish you all the best of luck with your year. Thank you for everything!

Long story short, I’ve actually been really busy with work and catching up with some studying before university starts early next month. I probably won’t be posting as much this year due to an increase in workload, but as one of this year’s goals I would like to paint some cooler paintings for you guys! :) 

Honestly I don’t have a whole lot planned for painting, but I will definitely take my time to paint some awesome stuff! I’ve got a Skyrim painting in the works that I’ll work on in my spare time. Pretty excited to work on that later :)

I’m pretty happy with how things have been so far. This year has been going very well for me, and it’d be best if it stays that way! 

I hope things have been going well for you all too!

See you later ;)

I’m going to bring it up another notch for my next painting, because next time I will be painting something which requires more detail and is also human (which I suck at drawing or painting). To make this even harder, I will only use black and white paint. This will make the painting very challenging, but I am hoping that I can learn a lot from painting it! This painting will be one of those ‘long term’ projects I will work on until I finish it, while I will also have a ‘short term’ painting project to work on as well. 

This painting was dedicated to my talented friend @realneurotix! I spent a long time working on this painting, and I am proud of what became of it :)

Apologies if haven’t painted in a long time. I’ve taken a lot of my time to chill (and play Skyrim) this holiday. See you in my next painting!