⋆𖦹｡solachal✸𖦹

BPD is theorized to be a traumagenic disorder, which means that it's caused by trauma. Not in the same way as classical PTSD, which we typically imagine as coming from One Big Trauma, but from something called C-PTSD. That C can alternately stand for "childhood-onset" or "complex", depending on context. C-PTSD, along with traumagenic disorders such as BPD, NPD, RSD, DID, etc., is most often caused by growing up in an environment where you were under constant stress. That stress can vary- if you were constantly on-guard for emotional or physical abuse, or neglected, or faced constant rejection from peers due to race, disability, gender, all of that can contribute. When you're under constant stress, your system will accommodate to survive, and you may not be able to develop the social and emotional skills you otherwise would have been able to in a healthy environment.

This is why we think BPD and other personality disorders are very likely to be traumagenic. Imagine a person who grew up with dismissive, cold, neglectful parents- their emotional needs were not met, and they were taught from the beginning that there were unsaid negative undertones to things that other people said to them. If you spent years in that situation, would you assume that other people were likely to treat you the same way? Would you be sensitive to unsaid undertones? Do you think that your system might try to protect you from further emotional harm? That example isn't the only situation where someone might develop these kinds of responses.

Someone might also be deeply sensitive to lacking communication and not happen to have borderline. These types of emotional responses might occur in someone who is autistic, has ADHD, has anxiety, or has any of a great myriad of other personality disorders. A person might also need clear communication and have intense feelings without identifying with any of those conditions.

I had to literally run away from my house and sit in an empty park alone for hours to calm myself, like, every time I felt a bad meltdown coming on. This is how I had to regulate for over two years of my life because I couldn't risk hurting myself or others. I would tell my parents through gritted teeth that I "need to leave right now or I'll explode" and then run a block or so and curl up in a ball blasting screamo in my earbuds, rocking back and forth, punching my legs. For hours. Alone. Because that was the only way to be sure I wouldn't cause harm, and I was terrified of that.

I've gotten better at managing my overstimulation over the years. I can prevent meltdowns of that level a lot better. But every time I bring that story (and others like it) up, people who are "woke" or even autistic themselves look at me like I have three heads. They tell me it "couldn't have been autism" and insist that I have some other sort of disorder because "autism doesn't do that".

Like, hey, how many autistic people do you know? because autism does that and more ALL THE TIME. My younger cousin hits people as hard as he can when he's melting down. I have friends who have punched holes in their walls during meltdowns. A huge concern with meltdowns for many higher-support needs people I've met is managing aggression.

Is it scary to lose control of yourself when you're melting down, both for you and the people around you? Absolutely. Is it problematic to say that autism can make you aggressive (or violent) because it's scary? No! Aggression during meltdowns is something that needs to be addressed and managed. Turning it into some taboo topic for the purpose of making autism more palatable makes that more difficult, because it adds more shame to something that many autistics are already deeply afraid/ashamed of.

The conversation with yourself.