rebecca

Why should i get enough sleep

Why should i not smoke

Why should i not knock myself out with a cocktail of drugs and melatonin every night

Why should i eat vegetables

Why should i eat

Why should i see the doctor when somethings wrong

In an effort to keep myself alive for longer

Much longer than i should be

I cant imagine why people would want to live for an entire century, or more

Ive been here for 20 years and its all been shit

Nothing in my life has been positive enough for it to make up for the shit

Not even close

Every time i feel a pang in my abdomen

A splitting headache

Feelings of dizziness

Passing out

Bruises

Memory loss

Its

I dont care

I really dont

And maybe it stems from the fact that no one has really cared for me

If i asked to see the doctor it was a burden

I have a two year old prescription for a sonogram

Still havent gotten it done

Probably will never

I shouldve gotten blood tests a while back

But i really dont care

I want to get life over with as soon as possible

This is hell

Ive numbed myself out of it

Im not really here at all

I dont care about anything

Life is meaningless

Ill never get over that

Even when I sleep I have nightmares

Theres no escape

I dont tell anyone because I dont want to be a burden

So I just go to work all day and come home and contemplate suicide

I go to take my medication for the night

Allergy pill, melatonin, and antidepressant

And I take the bottle sometimes and pour a whole bunch of pills out into my hand, and put them back

Sometimes I hold the bottle to my mouth

I'll sit by my pills for an hour or two

Just thinking

I wish I had the guts

But the pills wouldn't kill me, theres not enough

So I dont take them

When I get my three month refill of meds, I always think, this would probably be enough

But then I put it off

And soon it's too late

Because there isnt enough

It would be easier if I was dead

Life has been terrible

I dont remember the last time I was happy

One of these days I'm gonna snap I guess

I've been on dating apps with the setting to only see guys and I'm struggling.

One guy seemed cool but then kept sending me sexual memes and after about 5 of them I said "sex is gross lol" and hes like "leave it alone then. No more sex"

??????

That's so frustrating

Because hes the one

That's been bringing it up?

Yo idk

It doesnt even matter bc I just met this guy

But its like

The concept

That every guy I've met is in it for the sex

And that's why I've been calling myself lesbian

I think

I'm attracted to guys

But I'm not trying to have sex

Right off the bat

It goes the same for girls I know

But its hard

At the age I am

To find someone who doesnt want to fuck ? When they first meet?

It's a dealbreaker

It's really really difficult

I feel like no one has time for me

To wait

It's not like I dont want to have sex ever

It's just the only sexual experience I've ever had was traumatizing

I need trust

Idk

Theres probably people out there that get it

But no one that I've met

Dating apps are probably not the best place to look

But I have no connections in real life

So

I think I'm catching feels???

What

That's so weird

Like

At this point

Who fucking cares

I have nothing to lose

Let me ride this wave

And not give a fuck

Just see where it goes