“He’s been gone for over 2 years now, Errikson give it a rest.”
“No, I don’t think I will.”
But it’s true, he has been gone for over 2 years now. Since he’s left, all of his things are still in our- my house. I can’t bring myself to throw them away or store them. I can’t. It’s all I have left of him. Maybe he will come back, maybe, I dream of it.
“You’re damaging yourself this way, and honestly I’m getting tired of it.”
He’s been saying that a lot lately. Perhaps he’s right, I’m being a bother to him. I wonder why he’s still here? He knows I’m not ready to move on, could be that he’s just trying to get into my pants. He’s tried it before, wouldn’t be surprised.
“If you’re so tired of me, then why don’t you just go?”
Silence, I hate it.
“Fine, you need to realise that if you keep this up you will end up alone.”
“Bye David.”
He didn’t say anything he just got up and left, slamming the door behind him. I should’ve kept my mouth shut, maybe. I’m not sure. Nothing seems right anymore. It hurts, that’s all. Is it my fault? Even that I don’t know. Perhaps there was something wrong and I didn’t notice it until it was too late, Julian was always quiet when it came to feelings. One of the things I found charming but infuriating about him.
Thinking of this makes me miss him incredibly all over again. I need to stop. I need to rest my brain, or else I’ll burn myself out. I just hope he’s okay, I hope he’s alive.
Getting up, moving to the door I lock it. No need to keep that unlocked, I know David isn’t coming back, why would he? But a part of me wishes he would come back. I need someone right now. I just need someone to help keep me grounded, Julian was always good at that...
I look down at my ring hand, I roll the ring around my finger smoothly, feeling the slightly warmed band beneath my finger. ‘I’ve never taken this off,’ I realised. Even though I found Julian’s ring by the note he left... mine remains on my hand... is this selfish of me? Is this unhealthy? Perhaps... I’m not exactly... straight thinking anymore.
Sometimes I think I should take it off, maybe it will help me... let go, but I just can’t bring myself to do that... no... I can’t... I don’t want to be alone again... why did he go? Where did he go? I miss him, I miss him, I miss my Tim-Tam...-
Enough, you’ve cried enough, stop.
Work, work, take your mind off of it by working.
No I can’t, it’s hard, even after 2 years it’s hard.
Groaning loud with frustration I lashed out and knock off a picture frame off a table near the entrance of the door. It shatters, and I look down staring at the mess I made. I sigh and crouch down to clean. ‘I don’t want to be like this’ I think as I pick up the glass, ‘this isn’t normal is it. Being so... I’m not I’m not even sure what I am.’ I pick up the picture frame next, it’s of Mango...
“I’m sorry buddy...” I say aloud, I’m pretty sure Mango is in the other room hiding, but it wouldn’t hurt to cuddle him would it? I walk to the kitchen, throwing the glass away carefully, setting the broken frame down. It’s not ruined, the picture is fine, good... “I’d hate to hurt you...” I say to Mango even though he’s not near me.
“Mango?” I call, walking into the living room, I search under the couch and table, moving pillows and books, where is he?
“Ha! There you are.” I reach into the cat tree by the window. He meows with surprise before squirming his way into my arms. I hold him, he’s the only one that doesn’t seem bothered by me when I cry or when I ramble on and on. I love Mango.
“Good kitty...” I whisper, petting him. He purrs leaning into the touches. I just stand there for a moment, listening to his gentle purrs before I can’t hold it in anymore. “Sorry.” I say, “do you miss him too?” I ask but I know he’s not going to answer.
Aaaah, I knows so random! But I’ve been thinking of this for awhile :0 and there may or may not be more to this I’m not sure yet! But yesss
