moonlight!

birthday turned out better than I thought it would be but still bad.

going no contact with my mother turned out to be so much worse than i imagined. i did it because it’s not like we have a real relationship, anyway, and i thought maybe it’d make me feel like i have any real control over the situation. if i set that boundary. like okay she isn’t calling me and she isn’t coming over because i told her i don’t want her to and not because she can’t handle my Situation and it makes her feel too bad that i am the failure of a human being that i am so she doesn’t want to be around me. but it turns out… it’s just awful either way but now… i can’t even call her to hear her voice if i wanted to and it feels like it’s the worse mistake i’ve ever made.

just keep crying and panicking about turning 30 next month and having done nothing with my life for 3 decades soon… truly i feel like a nonhuman Creature… i cant stand being around most other people. it’s awful, but i get so irritated when people my age with normal lives talk about their lives being shit and going nowhere when i’ve been at home for 10 years dealing with debilitating mental illness, barely leaving the house, and i know it’s irrational (?) but seeing people who have degrees and jobs and families and friends whine makes me feel absolutely insane which makes me feel like a monster because i understand other people can feel bad about their lives, too, but i wish i had their lives. i wish i could study and have a job. i’ve never had a job and i probably never will. i don’t even want to work, i wouldn’t know what i want to do, but i’d do anything to have a job. i think i’ll forever be like this, an alienated burden, useless, miserable doing nothing.