The External Brain Drive

#gmbfitness seems the kidlet wants to get fit too! #gymnastics #minigymnast

So, being a kid, my adoptive parents are great, don't get me wrong, but my mum wanted a pretty pink princess, instead she got a wrecking ball who climbed trees, broke bones, rolled about in mud and prided herself in her ability to lift drain covers and 'rescue' toys that had fell down drains in the street.  Using hair bobbles to tie my skirt in the middle to make it into shorts so I wouldn’t get into trouble for flashing my knickers whilst falling all over the place, standing on my head while knocking things over, general bull-in-china shop syndrome.  Ballet lessons were stopped because, lets face it, a mud covered miniature elephant bounding around the place at speed really isn’t the epitome of your prima ballerina.  And if I couldnt be fantastic at it, I didn’t care for it and I needed to be fantastic at it right now because theres not enough time we’re all running out of time waaaaaaaah hurry up hurry up why aren’t I great yet??? oh fuckit, something else now... So I bounded on, struggled with school a lot, never quite 'got' things, nothing made sense but somehow when presented with an assessment or test I managed pretty well much to the surprise of many teachers. However I was still consistently told 'has potential but doensn't use it' plus the usual ‘lacks focus’ etc etc etc.  I used to fiddle with anything, socks, blue-tax, pencil erasers, fingers, hair, bobbles, laces, velcro, you name it, I was playing with it then had no idea what I was meant ot be doing when it came to ‘ok children, get to work now’.  Work?  What work!?  Has she not told us what to do yet!!?  hang on, she HAS?  Shit!  Where was I?  Help, what are we doing, oh great, she’s noticed me, I was listening, honestly I tried, but the shiny things...... So, as oblivious as I was at times, I really was always an outcast, standing on the edge of things not quite knowing how to initiate conversation or join in, as it seemed to be by invite only by the popular crew and because i was a 'weirdo' I was often looked at with at WTF kind of expression.  I was always developmentally behind my peers. Even as a teenager, my peers were all into makeup and the like, I was still swinging from trees and running around with a baseball cap on backwards over unbrushed hair throwing mudballs at people because if I find it funny then why don’t they? Physical bullying started in high school. It got pretty bad and eventually I left after I started seriously self harming, couldn’t deal with exam pressure because i couldn't flipping remember anything...self harming wasn't enough, started smoking to try and contain myself, stopped eating (was never really about losing weight thought as such) which actually helped my focus to an extent but that was short lived, diagnosed with anorexia, may be another story at some point but I don’t like to go into that era, over a few years turned into AN-BP subtype then full blown bulimia. Alcohol misuse, continued self-harm, messed up 2 uni courses, a number of accidents including a serious one in which I nearly died from internal bleeding and suffered multiple fractures, extreme difficulty in making and keeping friends because i was so unpredictable, all over the place, <---now it’s all getting jumbled because I’m losing focus a bit now, Ill ramble the rest then come back and fix this in a bit. So when I eventually started getting my shit together, a little bit anywya, cut down the booze, fags, got back into gymnastics etc, got a job as a nursing assistant, during this was pulled into office for timekeeping problems, and accused of being 'on drugs'. Eventually managed, with difficulty but support from uni, to qualify as a psych nurse. Work in dementia care now. Anyway backtracking again but hey, logical order’s never been my strong point, at 22 and sent for ed-psych assessment at uni, suspected dyslexia. Came out definite ADHD but that's not an official diagnosis cos it's a psychologist who does it and not NHS. Eventually went to GP with this big report saying I had well above average IQ but failing in all the areas specific to ADHD. Referred to psych. Assessment. Can't remember if she said I was ADHD or not at the time, forgot appointments. lost contact with services, went all *fuckitall* and ignored it til this year. Many more demands on my over the last few years including becoming a parent then him startings chool and me trying to keep up with my stuff AND his stuff, it’s became more and more apparent I really can't do adulting, problems cropping up everywhere, work, bills, forgetting to pay etc etc etc, charges for forgetting to pay, missed appointments, the near-death thing last year due to inability to assess danger, and now 5 year old suspected ADD. So turns out I was diagnosed when I seen the psych a number of years back but never really clicked in my head due to losing contact and the usual adhd messups. Now I'm relieved but....sad. All the things I could've been. I was a competitive swimmer but just up and quit one day. I was a gymnast but couldn’t learn routines so was no good to the team. I have since returned to gymnastics (with added trapeze and other aerial stuff) but it's more for fun and adrenaline burning now. I was also in the Edinburgh athletic club but felt so alienated there by the dedicated lot who always said i was 'just there to piss about'. Apparently I was good though :/ never felt like it. Never felt like I was good at anything. Now at 30 I feel like am 18 year old who's finally starting to come to terms with who I am and try to integrate with society in an appropriate manner but there’s so many years of damage and hating who I was, feeling 'wrong', out of place, too much and genuinely believing my existence just aggravated people. I remember being told at high school "why don't you do everyone a favour and just go f*cking kill yourself, why are you still alive anyway". Now, starting meds very very soon, also I’m starting a 8 (maybe 10) week occupational therapy pilot study course thingy for adhd people to learn to manage life. Maybe even I’ll start to enjoy it. I might finally be able to be ok at things, learn actual routines in aerial and gymnastics, get my completely disorganised house sorted, be less irritable and manage to do an Asda shop without scuttling to the exit halfway through due to sensory overload and subsequent meltdown, generally stop messing my life up.....stop getting charges for forgotten bills and stuff, be a better parent, manage to get the kidlet to school on time, so many things i might be able to get done. Anyway I’m bored typing now so I’ll leave this here for now ^-^

I can’t remember where this is but I do like it!  anyway it’s just a post to put up while I figure out what the hell I’m going to do with this bloggy thing.  I have an idea.  But as with most of my ideas, they take a while to sort themselves into some form of legible format.