soccerfandom

Look, let's start this off with a moment of clarity:

If you are an American and you are not rooting for the United States Men's National Team in the 2014 World Cup, then fuck you.

We'll come back to that issue.

But, assuming you're some sort of hipster who is literally too cool to cheer on the local boys, please follow these simple instructions to pick a team to back: Go fuck yourself.

TOTALLY KIDDING, guys, SORRY.

Anyway, let's get to it. If you are some sort of bizarro neutral party looking for a cool dark horse team to support in this year's World Cup, here are your options:

Belgium is everyone's dark horse.  That sort of mass belief might not appeal to you, but check this out: If you back Belgium, you get to correct everyone's pronunciation of "Eden Hazard" for a couple weeks, at minimum.

"It's pronounced AH-ZHA, brah, he's not Luke Fucking Duke."

They're going to win their group, and then they're going to lose to the United States in the round of 16, so don't get too attached.

France is the good kind of "making beautiful things" French this cycle, not the bad kind of "we all hate our coach he's a real dick" French like last time. If you want to win friends at the brewpub, support France and speak knowledgeably about Paul Pogba's club form with Juventus. Go nuts, wave a baguette for all I care. France will make it as far as the quarterfinals before losing to (borrrrrrrrrrrrring) Germany.

Nobody goes full performing seal in a competitive match. Right?

Côte d’Ivoire is your African Underachiever Squad Of The Cycle. I mean, you know Yaya Toure, right? His bro Kolo plays for them, too, except, malaria. You might have heard of this guy Drogba, too. He's been playing in China, or Australia, or Turkey. Somewhere out there on the edge, anyway, man. And Gervinho... oh, Gervinho. You want the orangey jersey. They'll make it to the round of 16, and they'll have a chance, but hey underachievers so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Not Gervinhoing as much this year.

Bosnia and Croatia are your "I think these are like, Eastern European teams, right?" dark horses. Croatia has the better jerseys, but Bosnia is just plain better. Both will make it out of their group and then collapse in a heap faced with real nations like France and Germany.

LATF

THE UNITED FUCKING STATES OF AMERICA ARE THE REAL DARK HORSE OPTION, YOU JERK. Seriously, guys. You must be kidding me. We're talking about a team that faces the Group of Death, where the easiest team to beat is the one who booted us out of the last two World Cups. It's not going to be a walk in the public art park. You want retro? Our jerseys look like upside-down rocket pops. You want underdogs? We've got a guy called "Wondo" and a guy with dreads on the team and don't make me earsplain Brad Davis to you omfg I literally can't even. Miracle of miracles, we'll get out of the group and face, ugh, Belgium, who you'll probably be cheering on, because I know you guys, in the round of 16. Wish us luck.

The US Men’s National Soccer Team (#USMNT) is (ahem) hosting Mexico tonight at 11pm eastern in Phoenix, Arizona.

Yeah, in Phoenix. Against Mexico. Which is going to feel a lot like an away game. We usually don’t play Mexico anywhere near the border for this reason. Columbus, Ohio works well for this purpose.

But this is a friendly. The World Cup is, what, 70 days or so away, and this is a chance to tune up a bit against a somewhat resurgent Mexico national team that only punched a chance at a ticket to Brazil when San Zusi

suddenly tied up our final qualifier against Panama, sinking Panama’s bid while simultaneously forcing Mexico into a two-match playoff against New Zealand for the final spot, which they won, because New Zealand.

This will not be our “A” team, just as it wasn’t our “A” team that lost to Ukraine in Cyprus last month. That’s because we don’t fly our European players to Arizona for a friendly. So, no Jermaine Jones, Fabian Johnson, Jozy Altidore, Aron Johannsson, Geoff Cameron, etc. But since Michael Bradley and Clint Dempsey have moved back to North America to ply their trade in MLS, we get the rare treat of Bradley-Dempsey-Donovan all on the field at the same time.

It’s a “friendly,” but NOT THAT FRIENDLY. The Mexican league released all their own national team players from their club teams but *not ours* which is just hilarious and unsportsmanlike and totally normal but we’re a bit short on fullbacks as a result. Expect to see Michael Parkhurst and Tony Beltran DeAndre Yedlin (please) go 90. We’re not very deep at fullback. This is a problem.

One exception to #4 above: Julian Green, the latest German-American to sign with the Klinsmann crew, will make the trip west from Bayern Munchen, and will likely get 15-20 minutes as a sub. His training time with the North American USMNT posse is probably more important than minutes on the field against Mexico, but he could be good for a late spark.

Ronaldo fan club watches their guy win the Ballon d'Or.

Saturday Fever (by customswolf)

Teddy Roosevelt:

Sometime after 7:30 last Tuesday night, I tried to catch the attention of the lone server taking orders from the growing crowd of American Outlaws.

We were in the back room, in the basement, surrounded by screens.

All the screens were tuned to the wrong channel. To a good game, mind you, a fine game, a World Cup Qualifier between Colombia and Uruguay, with Cavani, Suarez, and Falcao all on the field.

Stars.

But not ours.

She promised to do her best, and soon, Columbus unfolded before us, a sea of flags and chants, and then the anthem.

And we sang.

###

I'll back up.

I wanted to go to Columbus. I wanted to be there in person, for the US home qualifier against Mexico. I wanted to celebrate qualification. I wanted to drive there alone early Tuesday morning, check into a cheap hotel room alone, and just show up at the tailgate and make friends, then stand with AO and sing through the match.

And we would win.

That was a given.

But, I would not be there. Not in person, anyway. Too much, at the wrong time of year, too much going on, and too much travel coming up.

So we made a deal, as a family, that I would not travel, but I would go to DC for the evening (we live deep in the exurbs and rarely make it into the city) to watch the game at the local American Outlaws outpost.

Which brings us to the basement of the Laughing Man Tavern.

After a predictable wrong-turn-in-search-of-a-shortcut to the right road to get to the nearest Metro stop, I let out a predictable string of profanity and pointed the Prius in the right direction to drive into the city.

Blasting Uncle Tupelo.

Cruising past the White House and wounded-but-beautiful Washington Monument, with the low sun and long shadows.

Parking.

Counterintuitively, eating tacos for dinner. I know, not the most American thing, but I'm not the most American American, then, am I?

Then, to Laughing Man, hold the door for a fellow fan, then follow the signs down the stairs, seek out the screens.

###

I sat down with a couple of beverages, on a stool in what felt like the "back" of the room, but within a few feet of a huge screen. Eventually, a group of post-college kids sat down near me, and the extrovert among them (hi, Zack) introduced himself, then the rest of them, with the sort of friendly, all-in-this-together attitude that the American Outlaws are supposed to be about.

The next lone fan to sit down near us? The leader of a new AO chapter up in Western Massachusetts. 

I was in the right place.

We pre-gamed.

"So, you guys are going to get loud and stuff, right? You're not just going to sit there quietly and watch?" I asked. I knew the answer.

In most situations, I come off as pretty mild-mannered.

Not once the game starts.

I really, really, really enjoy this. Leading chants, singing my heart out, screaming my head off. Not sure when this started. Probably in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium. I'm sure there are plenty of studies out there on fanship and collective experience and the lizard brain bits of us that we dig into when we chant for our team -- not to mention our nation -- in unison, in a crowd, and, yeah, alcohol helps.

Winning, helps, too.

Orlando City Soccer Celebrates USL Pro Championship (by JCCarnz)