Journal solitaire (one blue hideaway) @so-litudinal - Tumblr Blog

socially inept on the internet

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Seasonal depression in summer not because summer depresses me, but because the thought of it ending makes me want to die.

(Flavours of despair, it's all the same in the end. Tous les chemins y mènent.)

#26.6 #t

"Hey Google, how do I cope with the impending doom of the summer solstice and the inevitable shortening of days?"

#26.6 #t

It's a thought I had watching s01e06 of The L word, where Kit takes it upon herself to go and stand up for Bette to their father. That's how I got there. "Oh, I see. I've been a fuck-up to everyone dear to me, like my sister or my best friend. Never showing up. The complete opposite of reliant. But even when you've been this way, and they no longer expect things from you, as long as they're still here, you can always try and reach out, huh. Do something good."

It's been a couple days, I haven't done anything. My sister started her inpatient programme a bit over a week ago, the day after her birthday. And I've never replied to the last message my best friend sent me.

It's my grandmother's 93rd birthday today. She's still alive. And I'm still here, like this.

"I don't have anything to offer." Is that something I've decided for myself or something I'm telling myself? I mean it. I believe it. It's just doesn't feel sincere. Not when it's a conscious thought or declaration, I mean, but I believe it when I look inside. Can I trust myself? Probably not. This is one of those times I picture my body as a broken android doll left on the street, by a pile of trash. (Like in the movie Air Doll. I should re-watch it.)

#26.6 #t

Maybe it's not too late to do something good...

#26.6 #t

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My mother is in the hospital again. It's just for a sleep study this time, but it came up out of nowhere. And it's just been never-ending this past... I can't even tell how long now.

#26.6 #t

Isn't she extra clingy today? My beloved bird, you should've been in bed hours ago....

#26.6 #p #🐦‍⬛

to be a bird who's always beautiful and always smells good......

#26.6 #p #🐦‍⬛

Waaah....

#26.6 #p #🐦‍⬛

She can't comprehending that I'm ugly.....I love you (she's looking at my screen as I'm typing this)

#26.6 #p #🐦‍⬛

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If anything, I must've come to aspire to a stable, inconsequential "less than enough."

#26.5 #t

How ironic that no solitude is unique.

#26.5 #t

I like your seemingly broken sentences.

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I don't like the word "resonate" used that way but I couldn't think of another one.

#26.5 #t

A recent fear of mine is revisiting the things I love only to realise they no longer resonate. It's already happened.

#26.5 #t

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"Add tags to help people find your post"

...are you insane??

#26.5 #t

Hello.

Back with some more words again.

(This is what it's like making multiple text posts on here after not consistently posting for a while....)

#26.5 #t

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