the great medicine struggle

now i think my anxiety is kinda weird. i feel kinda not here? and i keep wanting to ground myself even though i don't feel dissociative or negative. 

who know what that was. 

i was on and off afraid of going into buildings because i thought they were going to collapse on me and kill me. i was scared god was trying to kill me again. i would say "goddamnit" or something and then look up, and apologize. char convinced me to go into lowry around 11:20 when i thought less people would die when it collapsed on me. it didn't. 

i was super convinced god was going to kill me and i was going to die.i thought my shoes were getting tighter around my feet with every step and they were going to get squeezed off by my shoes. i was afraid of walking into lowry, didn't want to touch the doors, and was very confused when it didn't collapse. 

i typed a messaged for char because i thought if god didn't hear me talk then he would think i was dead and maybe he wouldn't make the building collapse. i also thought char, mel, everyone was fake like an imposter had replaced them. i didn't know what to do. i didn't really care. i just accepted it and moved on although i was scared. 

around noon i thought someone (god) was telling me to hurt myself and i didn't want to but he was still telling me to. i was afraid that if i got any less in contact with reality that i would do something. 

cried a bunch bc i was scared about missing lab which i did. idk. i was very overwhelmed and afraid and probably disassociating and anxious. 

i was afraid to go outside again but mel convinced me that if i dressed like her we would trick god into not hurting me when i walked home. it worked.

i took about a 20 minute nap and woke up depressed and tired but sane.

i started with happiness + giggliness for a few seconds. then i started shaking and i was really flushed for the entire hour and half. had some intense delusions. they started when i randomly looked up and then was suddenly convinced that god was real. then, it turned into paranoia. i couldn't really tell m what my delusion was because "they'll know" and "they're listening" etc etc. i was very convinced that i couldn't go outside because if i did i would die. i was very very very convinced that i was going to die when they kicked me out of the library at 2:00am. i remember crying a ton. i missed my Jr. IS meeting bc I couldn't go outside and walk to the geology building plus i was crying so m emailed my professor for me. (she was rly nice and emailed me and m back about how concerned she is but w/e)

i was also really confused about what day it was, I thought it was late march. apparently i thought it was the day after my friends and i sat outside in the grass in like april or may of last year. i thought mels birthday had already happened and that we had gone out drinking and she took me to the airport hungover. her birthday isn't till march 7th. i got really upset when m said it was snowing bc i was convinced it was spring. i thought m was lying to me and i got mad at her when she tried to show me the date of pictures of what REALLY happened yesterday. 

so that was a fun time