somewhere inside that night

i think i still love you!

i met you outside of the venue/restaurant and you asked me if you thought that your alternate name you used on facebook was okay after you asked me for a lighter. (i told you it was fine, but maybe had some weird implications, and i can still remember the pensive look you took on when i said that. you’re so expressive, it makes your paintings make sense) i had pall malls that week. i didn’t have any money so i went cheap and regretted it. they taste so bitter. i haven’t bought them again. it was electric, talking to you. i don’t know what it was. it still is, the past tense is a lie. i think i love you a little bit and i hope you never read this. you’ve screwed with me. i know you have your own emotional problems and i understand, oh i understand. kissing you made me dizzy and not having you around made me nauseous. you would show up and it was like the sun burst through for a second, and then, when you weren’t there, it was more like forgetting how the sun ever felt. you threw me for a loop, you still do. i don’t know how to describe it well. i’ve never been good at words. you’d disappear and i’d get upset. i’d delete you on social media, i’d block your number, but then when i saw you again i would admit to it and we would both laugh, and oh god i love your laugh. you were confused. i think you still are, from what i know of your situation. nothing’s ever easy. i don’t want it to be easy. i will stand at whatever distance you set and i’ll be your reflective surface until i am finally dried up, but i would love for you to jump in.  “i was worried you wouldn’t even pick up” “i’ll always pick up for you” you’d leave, and i would get upset again, this time vowing to not talk to you again. it’s harder when you call. it’s even harder when we’re next to one another. you make it hard to breathe. all my bravado, my prepared spiels, they vanish, ants under the magnifying glass of your smile. i have to keep finding new speechwriters because you keep firing them.  i can’t get enough of you.