sheltering sky & stable earth beneath

Howdy! Wow, it feels like it was just last week that I was writing this for 2024--where did the time go??

This year has been a series of huge changes for me and my day to day and I think that my absence online (and resulting presence in my offline life) speaks to that. I quit my job, started two degrees, moved internationally...and when I say it like that, okay, yeah, I should have some grace for myself for my lack of "polished," "finished" work.

Truly this was a year of digital comfort drawings and traditional discomfort drawings (outside my coveted comfort zone). Lots of sketchbook work and margin doodles this year! I got myself two new sketchbooks and have been making a habit of pulling them out instead of getting on my phone while I have a few minutes of downtime--waiting at restaurants, riding the train, sitting to take in the scenery, etc.

a drawing i freehanded in pen (SCARY!) in my sketchbook on the plane ride home

I think for art goals this year, I want to get back to prioritizing art and creativity in my life. Not so much that it becomes a burden, a stressor, or a bludgeoning object against myself, but I am learning that I am much happier and balanced when I make time to create and play. Managing stress is a big and vitally important goal for my mental and physical health so I want to tie art into that as much as I can. What I am enjoying physical media is the forced "welp, I have to be okay with that" sentiment that stems from working with permanent mediums. I am combating my own perfectionism and The Need To: Succeed, Outdo, Continuously Improve, et al. Most importantly, I am being kinder to myself and my mistakes.

I told a friend recently that I "feel awake again" and I hope that extends to feeling alive. I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

Continuing the trend of explaining myself from last year, going roughly left -> right, top -> bottom...

Eskchange painting that I really like the light in. My DND character's mom. A little kelpie creature named Lure. A newish face around The Library named Xaire. A postcard from my DND character's home. My DND character. (Our campaign has really kicked off!! I painted my first mini!!! (not pictured) I love her so much!) Ximone's mom's axe (a GW2 character).

One of my fave pieces from this year, painted from a memory. I love the grime and the atmosphere. A drawing I did tod--yesterday, at a coffee shop, of my friend. Another weapon of Ximone's mom's. Artfight incoming!! Paintings of characters from artists I really admire. I did those with acrylic paint pens and I literally love them so much. A sketchbook drawing of The Archivist using a new pen (once again, freehanded. I know that's not that impressive but to me and my habits it is a HUGE deal.)

The first drawing I did of my DND character--this one lives in the leather campaign journal I made. Background painting was for an art trade with a one-week turnaround time. Pixels I did of my pokemon OC, Nine. corru.observer OCs, LOL. God corru is so SO good. Fanart of my friend's DND character--truly thank you art to her for participating in my (soon to be published!) research, haha. And finally, the long awaited, the one and only, Ximone's mom.

Wow. Here we are again. Long time no see or speak, friends. Hope you have all been doing and keeping well!

This past year has been the strangest and most onerous yet for me yet. I'll get into it a bit in this post but fair warning that I may mention difficult, emotionally charged topics. If you're not in the headspace for that, no worries, you can skip to the other symbol. I'll see you next year.

∵

Art was extremely difficult this year. I really struggled even finding 12 pieces to throw into a collage like this. I tend to keep a steady pace of one medium-largeish, "postable" piece a month, interspersed with little doodles and sketchbook scribbles here and there. Therefore, it's usually fairly straightforward to compile these. I scroll through my digital art folder, pick out the best or my favorite piece I made within each designated month, sometimes sprinkling in mini works or traditional pieces when applicable. This year, I only made about 8 that I would consider posting--some of which are featured, most of which are actually not. Why? Why am I so hard on myself? (A rhetorical question, but one I ask myself every day and have yet to find an answer to.) Online platforms have become a formalized space for me--a "only the polished enter the portfolio" kind of mentality. I can't quite figure out if that is something to wrestle with or listen to. On top of the usual frustrating strain of perfectionism, I haven't felt the desire to post anything at all this year.

This reticence was mostly due to deep and inordinate amounts of interpersonal stress from changes in a community that I loved and had a huge part in building. I grew fearful to be perceived publicly online and to share any part of my art or life. February and March were black holes. I felt alienated from my identity. I didn't know who I was anymore. It got so bad, I was suicidal. Truthfully, the only thing that stopped me was knowing I had to live until April.

In April, thankfully, I went on a massive trip I had been planning with all of my best friends for four years. (vlpn, Kiire, 1ore, I love you so much!!!) I traveled out west to watch the eclipse and go on a road trip to a national park that I have always wanted to see. Better yet, I was surrounded by so much restorative, healing love. I sat on Kiire's warm leather couch soaking in the real, tangible community that I had built, and drew for the first time in ages. Kiire also gave me the most thoughtful gift--a little hand lino cutter and some vinyl squares. We all gathered at her kitchen table, carving away, laughing and sharing stories. Part of me is still in April, I think.

In May, I started a summer-long pottery class (turned residency, let's be real. I lived in the studio.). It was my first time working with real clay, after dabbling with oven-bake polymer clay and play-doh before that. Since it was focused on handbuilding, I didn't get the chance to use the wheel...which I desperately want to do this summer if I'm still in town. However, even if I was only making pinch pots and tiles, I felt myself grow by leaps and bounds as an artist. Not just in technique, but also in the conception. Why am I doing xyz? What does it mean? What does my medium add to my work? I enjoy working with my hands at a physical craft, but I still wrestle with creating stuff. I love physical objects, but have no space for them at the moment.

I lived more in my sketchbook this year, continuing the trend from last year. My former boss gifted me a shitty little 5.5 x 8.5" journal that I've been using as my work sketchbook. It helps keep me sane at my desk, and my creativity muscles exercised, but does not keep me from still drawing on lined notepads...lol. That work sketchbook has truly helped me break even further away from the trapping of art perfectionism. More and more I am embracing the messy, the ugly, the unfinished. I love drawing in ballpoint pen now, and have started Yet Another Sketchbook of pen plein airs. Okay, some pencil doodles here and there. But mostly pen.

Despite having an upward swing mid-year, my world kind of collapsed in on itself September onward. I don't want to go into too much detail about everything, because it's a little personal and frankly, there's too much to go over. From housing precarity, major random trauma-related panic attacks, a natural disaster, nasty people rearing their heads in my life, grief over losing family land, my grandma getting cancer, my job being so soul-crushingly frustrating and about to become much worse in the new year...it's been so much for me to handle. I'm tired, uncertain, quaking from what has and what may be. I'm creeping through the loamy undergrowth towards 2025, trying to drag myself towards what I love. I want to forge a better life for myself; I just want to live again.

Back to art, as all things seem to go--last year I wrote that I wanted to experiment with new mediums and techniques. Good news, bestie, you absolutely did. From linocut to pixel art to markers to to clay!!!, it has definitely been an experimental year at least. In 2025, hm...I think I want to keep at studies and focus on light and depth. I also want to keep up the trend of getting weirder and less literal with my work. I'm interested in trying out some interesting compositions and having patience with myself when stuff is not turning out. Turns out you can put down the pen and pick it back up. I also miss zines and want to make more...and also I want to keep up valuing my creative time and mini projects (like my tarot journal & my media journal).

I did hit some other interesting art milestones this year--I was rejected from some zines and even gallery openings. There's this great song off the new John Craigie live album that especially resonated with me. Listen to the whole song and whole album if you've got time. "If you haven't been failing, you haven't been trying." / "Maybe the cool thing was that even though [Van Gogh] wasn't successful, he still painted, every day, all the time, right up 'till the end. I wondered why. Probably for the same reason I was driving to these coffee shops. 'Cause it felt good to swing." / "As I passed under that sign, I could almost hear the tired voice of Jiffy Lube call down to me. "Oh Johnny. How long must we watch you fail?" And as I raced past into the unknown darkness, I called back, "Oh Jiffy, how long you got? We gon be up for a while."

∵

To close, I've never really done this before, but since I haven't posted much this year, I thought I'd go through everything pictured for some context. This is generally left -> right, top -> bottom...

A panel from my comic for Commander of your Heart zine, featuring Ximone and Sappho. I was also published in 2 others this year; very cool! A tiny doodle of Wideeyes from my mini sketchbook. A gift for my friend's birthday of his cat, Lily. Her muzzle really does look scrunkly like that. Ahku, sweet Ahku, from when I did a challenge to draw with your Least Favorite Brush. I still hate the brush. A linocut stamp I made of Xiyu using the aforementioned supplies. One of many stamps I carved this year.

A piece for Archalyte to gift a character to 1ore. Fletcher, my Wermz NPC and the mascot of the summer event I ran this year. Getting into pixel art! A goofy paintover of a guinea pig featuring Nickle. A study that I did using a tablet in the studio I helped build--my third time ever working with one! I think it came out alright. Work notebook doodles for a self-published zine I'm working on. Copic markers on trading cards, featuring two of my Neopets and a Werm of mine. Ora's was done freehanded with some leftover acrylic paint I had after painting a sculpture. Since this year has sucked so bad, I've been self-soothing in silly ways; namely, spending some time on Neopets and getting wildly back into Pokemon cards / into Battledome cards for the first time. I've been enjoying tiny scene compositions and collecting little art prints.

Daihei for Artfight for 1ore...I did this while on vacation with my family and it was my first digital painting on my computer in months. Tiles from my ceramics class; my first project! I wish I could show my final project, but it does not photograph well. Ceramic coaster I painted with The Archivist. Doodles of The Sphinx and The Archivist I unearthed today. Marker drawing of vlpn's character 6298.

Vent painting from October. Painted sculpture of Starrain. Ink painting of Ahku surrounded by stuff.

I took a ceramics class this summer and spent 8 weeks locking myself in the studio. I had a blast and made around 50 pieces that I'm all very proud of. Not bad for my first time with real clay!

This box and I...we went through it together. The first iteration I made, with the Hound lid, had to be carefully revived from the brink of death after an air leak caused the greenware to prematurely dry past chocolate bar hard. Then, when it was finally assembled and the lid carefully cut, it exploded in the bisque. It wasn't a total loss, only a baseball-sized hole blew right through the bottom. So I decided to make another box and lid exactly the same size so that the original lid would fit the new box. It miraculously did (which is literally a miracle because of how clay shrinks and warps in the kiln), but I dremeled the flange down just to be safe. I agonized over how to glaze it, but ultimately settled on an iron wash with careful application to get the variance in hue. I pulled the new box and lid out of the kiln, only to discover that the iron had acted as a flux and sealed the flange to the box. Awesome. So back to the dremel for another 3 hours of grinding away with various bits until finally it was free. Yippee! There’s a staccato of nicks in some places along the rim where my rotary tool went wild, but they kind of look like rat bites. I think they add to the story of these boxes being in a tomb and feasted on throughout time. They’re nostalgic in a way; I used to work at a rare books library and several of our collection items had been snacked on by critters. My favorite was an old bible from 1100 CE whose spine looks like Cookie Monster took a huge bite out of it. (A phrase I never thought I’d write in a description.)

The figure depicted on the box is my oc The Hound. They were once a king’s loyal hunting hound, as ruthless as they were relentless. I’d like to think this was the Hound’s funerary box, designed to hoard their bones in his great vault. Unfortunately for the corrupt king (or perhaps fortunately), he never saw the mutiny coming. When the maw that withstood a thousand lashes bears the ire no longer—it can only find home snapping around a neck.

Ximone, despondent and beside herself, sends her companion hawk Sappho after her best friend Commander Yuri Six-cants, who is presumed dead and in the Mists. Pictured, in order: Ximone overlooking the Brand in Ascalon, relaying instructions to Sappho, reminiscing about younger days with Yuri after reuniting in Ebonhawke, Sappho appearing to a lost commander in the Mists, and Ximone wishing the people she loves would stop slipping through her claws.

I can't believe I'm writing one of these again already; where did this year go??

Looking back on this past year, wow! I can see and feel my confidence with my art growing tremendously. Finally it feels like I'm comfortable with tools and the process. I'm not totally lost when I open a canvas; there's a sense of reassurance that I can do it, and if I can't, I will figure it out along the way. 

Overall, finding time, space, and energy for art proves to be both exceedingly difficult and yet the only thing that I want to do when I get home. I know logically this is mostly because of my job--new office, new boss, new responsibilities, new position--and a few huge life transitions, but when you're someone who makes things who is not making things, it can be rough seas in the brain soup.

I think a major theme for this year was getting back into creative habits. It's an annual tradition at this point to nosedive into an artist's block death spiral. February into March into April...were all lean months for my creativity. Intense job/interpersonal stuff plus news of two of my big art inspirations both suddenly dying...the world hit me hard in these months.

I owe a lot to Lynda Barry's Making Comics for giving me my spark back and for helping to heal a part of me that I didn't realize was so broken and bruised. I remember when I picked the book up around my birthday; the cashier said the book made her cry and I didn't understand. I asked why, and she said "It's just healing." I was skeptical, but now I get it. I've been observing more, giving more credence to my creativity, and being less afraid of making a "bad" drawing.

Now I've been focusing on creating portfolio pieces that I'm proud of and happy to display in my space, as well as finally getting around to my hoard of accumulated characters. I've been picking away at my personal site and uploading much more to toyhouse to keep track of them all.

The last month or so has been completely consumed by making gifts, meeting deadlines, finishing owed art, continuing special projects 👀...so I haven't had much of a presence here. I've been doing lots of traditional art--getting back into acrylic painting and hopefully back into oils soon. I started pine needle basket weaving and have made 2.25 baskets so far! it's a long, tedious, menial process, but it's so satisfying to have something physical (and functional) that you've worked on for hours. I've also been living in my sketchbook the past week--practicing with pens, markers, and practicing itself. I've been conditioned to have the sketchbook be a precious space, and I am trying my best to break out of that. If you want to see some of my traditional sketches and offline stuff, I made a little collage for this year's picks too. ↬ sketchbook 2023

I think for next year I'd like to continue finding better balances--in how I spend my time, how I can spend my time...and to continue pushing myself out of my comfort zone with experiments and messiness. I want to continue being creative in so many more mediums--more film photography and video, hopefully!

In my sketchbook I wrote this meandering paragraph that I want to share: this is a living document--of breath, of movement, not of polished stasis. I reject capitalistic notions of being "industrious" "beautiful" "marketable" "pristine" and on public display at all times. I am not a product to be consumed; neither is my work. I embrace the messy, the incomplete, and the ugly. I refuse to tailor myself to an unseen audience. We thirst for the drafts, the brushstrokes, the incomplete works of the famous. Is this because, in our minds, this makes them more human? Less untouchably great? Or do we see ourselves in the struggles and not in the finished pieces? How charitable is that reading? What I would give to see my inspirations' marker streaks, their 12yo sparkledogs. Framing these byproducts--there's that word again--as art reframes them, reframes myself. To be human is to mark-make, to scribble in the dirt. I hear they reconstruct civilizations from stuff like that.

All my best to you & yours, and happy new year!