#ahku

Wow. Here we are again. Long time no see or speak, friends. Hope you have all been doing and keeping well!

This past year has been the strangest and most onerous yet for me yet. I'll get into it a bit in this post but fair warning that I may mention difficult, emotionally charged topics. If you're not in the headspace for that, no worries, you can skip to the other symbol. I'll see you next year.

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Art was extremely difficult this year. I really struggled even finding 12 pieces to throw into a collage like this. I tend to keep a steady pace of one medium-largeish, "postable" piece a month, interspersed with little doodles and sketchbook scribbles here and there. Therefore, it's usually fairly straightforward to compile these. I scroll through my digital art folder, pick out the best or my favorite piece I made within each designated month, sometimes sprinkling in mini works or traditional pieces when applicable. This year, I only made about 8 that I would consider posting--some of which are featured, most of which are actually not. Why? Why am I so hard on myself? (A rhetorical question, but one I ask myself every day and have yet to find an answer to.) Online platforms have become a formalized space for me--a "only the polished enter the portfolio" kind of mentality. I can't quite figure out if that is something to wrestle with or listen to. On top of the usual frustrating strain of perfectionism, I haven't felt the desire to post anything at all this year.

This reticence was mostly due to deep and inordinate amounts of interpersonal stress from changes in a community that I loved and had a huge part in building. I grew fearful to be perceived publicly online and to share any part of my art or life. February and March were black holes. I felt alienated from my identity. I didn't know who I was anymore. It got so bad, I was suicidal. Truthfully, the only thing that stopped me was knowing I had to live until April.

In April, thankfully, I went on a massive trip I had been planning with all of my best friends for four years. (vlpn, Kiire, 1ore, I love you so much!!!) I traveled out west to watch the eclipse and go on a road trip to a national park that I have always wanted to see. Better yet, I was surrounded by so much restorative, healing love. I sat on Kiire's warm leather couch soaking in the real, tangible community that I had built, and drew for the first time in ages. Kiire also gave me the most thoughtful gift--a little hand lino cutter and some vinyl squares. We all gathered at her kitchen table, carving away, laughing and sharing stories. Part of me is still in April, I think.

In May, I started a summer-long pottery class (turned residency, let's be real. I lived in the studio.). It was my first time working with real clay, after dabbling with oven-bake polymer clay and play-doh before that. Since it was focused on handbuilding, I didn't get the chance to use the wheel...which I desperately want to do this summer if I'm still in town. However, even if I was only making pinch pots and tiles, I felt myself grow by leaps and bounds as an artist. Not just in technique, but also in the conception. Why am I doing xyz? What does it mean? What does my medium add to my work? I enjoy working with my hands at a physical craft, but I still wrestle with creating stuff. I love physical objects, but have no space for them at the moment.

I lived more in my sketchbook this year, continuing the trend from last year. My former boss gifted me a shitty little 5.5 x 8.5" journal that I've been using as my work sketchbook. It helps keep me sane at my desk, and my creativity muscles exercised, but does not keep me from still drawing on lined notepads...lol. That work sketchbook has truly helped me break even further away from the trapping of art perfectionism. More and more I am embracing the messy, the ugly, the unfinished. I love drawing in ballpoint pen now, and have started Yet Another Sketchbook of pen plein airs. Okay, some pencil doodles here and there. But mostly pen.

Despite having an upward swing mid-year, my world kind of collapsed in on itself September onward. I don't want to go into too much detail about everything, because it's a little personal and frankly, there's too much to go over. From housing precarity, major random trauma-related panic attacks, a natural disaster, nasty people rearing their heads in my life, grief over losing family land, my grandma getting cancer, my job being so soul-crushingly frustrating and about to become much worse in the new year...it's been so much for me to handle. I'm tired, uncertain, quaking from what has and what may be. I'm creeping through the loamy undergrowth towards 2025, trying to drag myself towards what I love. I want to forge a better life for myself; I just want to live again.

Back to art, as all things seem to go--last year I wrote that I wanted to experiment with new mediums and techniques. Good news, bestie, you absolutely did. From linocut to pixel art to markers to to clay!!!, it has definitely been an experimental year at least. In 2025, hm...I think I want to keep at studies and focus on light and depth. I also want to keep up the trend of getting weirder and less literal with my work. I'm interested in trying out some interesting compositions and having patience with myself when stuff is not turning out. Turns out you can put down the pen and pick it back up. I also miss zines and want to make more...and also I want to keep up valuing my creative time and mini projects (like my tarot journal & my media journal).

I did hit some other interesting art milestones this year--I was rejected from some zines and even gallery openings. There's this great song off the new John Craigie live album that especially resonated with me. Listen to the whole song and whole album if you've got time. "If you haven't been failing, you haven't been trying." / "Maybe the cool thing was that even though [Van Gogh] wasn't successful, he still painted, every day, all the time, right up 'till the end. I wondered why. Probably for the same reason I was driving to these coffee shops. 'Cause it felt good to swing." / "As I passed under that sign, I could almost hear the tired voice of Jiffy Lube call down to me. "Oh Johnny. How long must we watch you fail?" And as I raced past into the unknown darkness, I called back, "Oh Jiffy, how long you got? We gon be up for a while."

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To close, I've never really done this before, but since I haven't posted much this year, I thought I'd go through everything pictured for some context. This is generally left -> right, top -> bottom...

A panel from my comic for Commander of your Heart zine, featuring Ximone and Sappho. I was also published in 2 others this year; very cool! A tiny doodle of Wideeyes from my mini sketchbook. A gift for my friend's birthday of his cat, Lily. Her muzzle really does look scrunkly like that. Ahku, sweet Ahku, from when I did a challenge to draw with your Least Favorite Brush. I still hate the brush. A linocut stamp I made of Xiyu using the aforementioned supplies. One of many stamps I carved this year.

A piece for Archalyte to gift a character to 1ore. Fletcher, my Wermz NPC and the mascot of the summer event I ran this year. Getting into pixel art! A goofy paintover of a guinea pig featuring Nickle. A study that I did using a tablet in the studio I helped build--my third time ever working with one! I think it came out alright. Work notebook doodles for a self-published zine I'm working on. Copic markers on trading cards, featuring two of my Neopets and a Werm of mine. Ora's was done freehanded with some leftover acrylic paint I had after painting a sculpture. Since this year has sucked so bad, I've been self-soothing in silly ways; namely, spending some time on Neopets and getting wildly back into Pokemon cards / into Battledome cards for the first time. I've been enjoying tiny scene compositions and collecting little art prints.

Daihei for Artfight for 1ore...I did this while on vacation with my family and it was my first digital painting on my computer in months. Tiles from my ceramics class; my first project! I wish I could show my final project, but it does not photograph well. Ceramic coaster I painted with The Archivist. Doodles of The Sphinx and The Archivist I unearthed today. Marker drawing of vlpn's character 6298.

Vent painting from October. Painted sculpture of Starrain. Ink painting of Ahku surrounded by stuff.