Idiot By Day, Sniper by Night

[ text: seb ] well if that’s the case, don’t even think about coming back here. disowned. 

Really, she was only as funny as she believed herself to be. Which was not very, even if she still giggled away to herself looking at the message. Clearly his night had been a good one. 

[ text: seb ] i’m kidding, you better get home if you want me to look after your hormonal arse xx. 

[ text: seb ] well maybe you can take some advice from them right now instead of me?? [ text: seb ] there’s your incentive to hurry up… [ text: seb ] so comfy… so warm… seb come and join meee.

In that minute she had nearly nodded off, the light of her phone screen bringing her back awake.

[ text: seb ] i believe in you, you drunkard.

“ Let’s hold off on that for as long as possible, as much as I am keen to annoy him. When things are going this good again, he’s the last thing we need. ” Delay it, yes, but at least they had a reason now to want to see him, which was a nicer change. Maybe Jim would be surprised to see her again, ha.

“ Oh, they’re always fun. I don’t know about you, but I’ve come across some quite unsightly but amusing things in the past. ” Aaand also some very compromising and dangerous things but! Wouldn’t be her if she couldn’t make a joke out of nearly getting murdered in one of her safe houses. Go figure.

“ At least now the bar is set higher for you embarrassing yourself, think of it that way. I might have done you a favour, ” she giggled, thinking fondly on the memory she had of retelling the whole day. “ They are my favourite, and we even managed to get your mother to loosen up by the end. There’s proof of that too. ” One photo tucked away at the end of the album, of the whole wedding party looking more than a bit merry. Chey loved it, truly.

Still fresh from her move from the floor to the sofa, Chey made a point to keep up her huff. For a moment, she thought that her exaggerated response might have roused some sympathy or leniency from him. Then again, would it be their relationship if there wasn’t a mutual level of teasing and torment? Chey kept herself crossed together as she looked down at him, mouth falling agape briefly. “ Bigwigs? Unbelievable. What, two years of marriage and already we have conflicting schedules? Honey, I thought you were in this for the long haul. ” It was a skill, really, how well she could play herself being serious like this. “ So much for the seven year itch, you’re bailing out after two.”

“Mm, yes, stretch it out. Realllllly make it worth our trouble.” He nodded, still pleased. Yes, perhaps this would be a slow, gradual way to make an ‘out’ from the business for him. Annoy Jim so much, so slowly, so infuriatingly, that he wouldn’t mind in the slightest to get that two weeks notice...

“Unsightly things....in the safe houses?” He blinked, brow furrowing briefly. “I suppose I have had the unfortunate chance to find some squatters in the places here or there.....mice infestations......I....deeply look forward to seeing how these places are doing.” He said wryly, then chuckled. 

“Oh, my mother. That was...probably the first time I’d seen her like that, you know? She’s had that stick up her arse her whole life, it was weird to see her pull it out for once.” He snorted, shaking his head. “Though I do appreciate you making it easier for me, dear, thank you.” 

He pouted when she only seemed to act more affronted at the whole thing, turning his head away as he rested it on his arms, folded underneath on the couch seat cushion. 

[ text: seb ] well if that’s the case, don’t even think about coming back here. disowned. 

Really, she was only as funny as she believed herself to be. Which was not very, even if she still giggled away to herself looking at the message. Clearly his night had been a good one. 

[ text: seb ] i’m kidding, you better get home if you want me to look after your hormonal arse xx. 

[ text: seb ] undeniable, but somewhat irrelevant in the case of this apparent love child of yours. [ text: seb ] uhh, no. can’t say i’ve ever had to deal with this sort of thing.

Whether this was a very real predicament for him, or a drunken wind up, Chey couldn’t really tell, but nonetheless she almost felt bad for her continued laughter. Almost.

[ text: seb ] think? don’t tell me i have to come and get you [ text: seb ] i just got into bedddd.

[ text: chey ] animated movies are ALWAYS relevant, Chey [ text: chey ] blehhhhhhh [ text: chey ] i am jealous you’re in bed why am I not  [ text: chey ] beds. so comfy

There was a minute of no messages at all, but then- 

Getting the chance to sit and drag Jim’s name through the dirt with him somewhat, if not oddly, made her feel a great deal better. But Seb had a point, they’d have to be coy in their exaggerated PDA. “ Ohh, I know what you mean. We’ll make up a signal, piss him off to a point but then we know when to back off. ” The fact they were even planning this was just great to her.

“ You’re right. I think we’ve proven that to each other time and time again, haven’t we? ” Admittedly, perhaps the most lengths she had ever gone to for one person. Risking life, limb, sanity, but damn, he was worth it. “ I’ll let you lead the way. Mine may be compromised, so we’re probably better off trusting yours. ”

But sweetly, he sealed the promise to keep such business until the morning, with Chey giving in to his kiss completely. Her hand cupped one side of his face, holding him closely, having longed for those gentle intimacies. “ I’ve missed this, ” she whispered as they pulled apart, his amused look making her grin.

“ I did, so at least they’ve seen both of our bad sides. ” Each picture was a good side in its own way, and that was the optimistic way she loved to look at them. The funnier ones always rose a laugh out of her. “ I’m actually glad we were able to get photos like that, alongside the official ones. They’re beautiful, but the candid ones just show how much fun we did have. We made it, and it was a success. ”

His remark on her family left no sting, knowing now that though it was small, it was the people that truly mattered. She couldn’t wait for them to make the trip over. “ How could they not like you? ” she spoke affectionately, but in their true style, genuine moments could easily give way to humour, and Chey’s sarcasm sounded. “ Wow, that is what I get is it? After I have faithfully waited here for you, never once forsaken any of my vows, and you just dump me like that. ” She caught on quick, taking her leave out of their embrace there just to emphasise the joking by pushing up to sit on the sofa, leaning over quickly to switch the lamp on to a dim light. What he’d be met with then would be a huffy Chey sat all over the cushions, arms and legs crossed with her lips pouting. “ Thought you’d at least let me pretend to have a husband back for one night.”

“Exactly.” He looked almost gleeful to be aggravating his boss, which was a nice change from him once thinking Jim ‘intimidating’. That was a long time ago. “We can work out the finer details when we’re ready to go see him.”

“I’ll have to do a integrity check on my locations soon, since I haven’t seen the older ones in a while, but okay. I’ll keep that in mind. What’s mine is yours.” He smiled at that, and even wider at further talk of their past wedding. 

“Well certainly not our baddest sides, but I’m glad to know that they’ve seen us at ‘ridiculous’ and we can safely proceed from there.” He laughed lightly. “But I’m glad we have those photos too. Honestly, how can you tell if someone’s wedding went well if all the portraits are stiff and posed? You have to....be in the moment.” 

He allowed himself to be jostled as Chey got mock offended and detached from him, his eyes following her. Despite the seemingly angry woman, Seb’s amused look remained, even adopting a crooked grin as he turned around, resting his hand and head on the sofa next to her, looking up. 

“ please don’t ”

“ i’m sorry ”

“ trust me ”

“ fuck off ”

“ don’t go ”

“ please stay ”

“ i tried ”

“ you’re wrong ”

“ you’re right ”

“ i know ”

“ don’t run ”

“ go away ”

“ don’t stop ”

“ it’s hard ”

“ don’t cry ”

“ we can’t ”

“ calm down ”

“ i’m scared ”

“ make me ”

“ wanna bet ? ”

“ run away ”

“ don’t look ”

“ i promise ”

“ try harder ”

“ believe me ”

“ don’t move ”

“ you’re mean ”

“ i’m cold ”

“ you’re beautiful ”

“ hold me ”

“ let me ”

“ come here ”

“ shut up ”

“ fuck off ”

“ it’s complicated ”

“ you’re okay ” 

“ wake up ! “

“ you’re on “

“ i’m pregnant “

“ you’re sick “

“ how long ? “

“ what happened ? “

[ text: seb ] well if that’s the case, don’t even think about coming back here. disowned. 

Really, she was only as funny as she believed herself to be. Which was not very, even if she still giggled away to herself looking at the message. Clearly his night had been a good one. 

[ text: seb ] i’m kidding, you better get home if you want me to look after your hormonal arse xx. 

[ text: seb ] did you just quote the incredibles at me?? [ text: seb ] because damn right i am [ text: seb ] well i bloody HOPE not [ text: seb ] where are you anyway ?

“ He deserves it. For deliberately keeping us apart for so long, let’s make him as uncomfortable as humanely possible. ” His own grin at the idea only spurred him on more. Whatever ideas Seb had, Chey was definitely in favour of exaggerating them ten-fold. Anything to make Jim’s life shit for making her miss having Seb in her life for nearly two years.

To hear that he too had a sound collection of favours as well was a great relief to her. Though they were dealing with criminals, promises and favours were often well kept. “ By the sounds of it, yeah they do. But good. There isn’t so much to worry about then if we both have outs for each other. But let’s keep it quiet, I’ll always protect you and me before any of the rest of them. ”

Gently, she gave him another nuzzle in response to his kiss, relaxed even with talk of her problems. “ Mm, it might. I won’t lie, and I could probably use your help. But please don’t worry now, I’m safe, ” she murmured, fingertips tracing his jawline affectionately.

Talk of their wedding was enough to keep her distracted from those worrying threats, especially as he had just caught her out. Certainly, she had shown every picture and video that was available, obvious by her suddenly guilty, but amused look. “ It wasn’t grotesque, just…. unfortunate. Badly timed. But yes, accidentally. I was flicking through the album and then the page of the bad photos came up, but don’t worry. Not all of mine are flattering either. ” It was a once in a lifetime thing, right? They had just made sure to enjoy themselves( and thankfully it gave some downright hilarious memories to look back on ).

“ Yeah, it will be, ” Chey mused gently, having not really thought about it like that. Her father’s missing presence from the wedding hadn’t really bothered her, it had been her grandparent’s. They had always been good to her, had helped her more than she would ever truly like to admit. “ Don’t worry love, my grandma especially seems very approving of you, despite your more unflattering photos. ” Now she was just teasing him again, laughing quietly. “ Probably. But they already like you, I can tell. Besides, it’s not like we can cancel a wedding or anything, the deed is done. ”

“Though, of course, not to the point of him actually wanting to kill us later over it.” He winked, not terribly worried about it, considering. “He’s like an angry cat. We’ll just lay off when he gets the look of a feline about to hiss and swipe at you. But not a moment before.”

He snorted at her statement, despite how genuine it was. “Like we’d ever NOT protect each other at any opportunity, love. Which reminds me, I should clue you in on a few new safehouses I’ve been compiling. But that’s for tomorrow. Definiteeeely tomorrow.”

Those reminders for the future were in a way also related to the government troubles, so he didn’t say more about the subject, electing instead to smile at the trace to his jaw before turning his head, properly kissing her for a long moment. When he pulled away, his lips were lightly pursed in amusement.

“Well, I suppose as long as you embarrassed the both of us, I’ll live with it.” He grinned. “If anything, I suppose they’re an indicator of our fun personalities and frankly, the fact that we’re peak millennials.” He let out a light laugh at that, but then nodded with a smile.

[ text: seb ] well if that’s the case, don’t even think about coming back here. disowned. 

Really, she was only as funny as she believed herself to be. Which was not very, even if she still giggled away to herself looking at the message. Clearly his night had been a good one. 

[ text: seb ] i’m kidding, you better get home if you want me to look after your hormonal arse xx. 

So it seemed he was much more drunk than she first thought, and damn, the temptation to play along was just too much.

[ text: seb ] oh great, now you’re just breaking my heart. [ text: seb ] ‘sorry my bad’       i am your wife. [ text: seb ] yes, yes it is. so put down your pint and come home.

And a few minutes later…

[ text: seb ] …… them?

“ Oh please. We can really lay it on thick, anything to see his stupid face annoyed. ” Because nothing would be more satisfying than getting to shove his own terms and conditions back at him. Oh, if only.

The fact he had been considering it was good, but their advantageous positions were also a whole disadvantage too. Chey had clearly annoyed Jim enough that he was willing to let her go as far as she wanted. Seb, however? Well, he was good at what he did, and to go kicking and screaming was certainly the way it’d be. “ I have good European contacts, they’ve been in and out of the network. Strength in numbers, yeah? Plus, they have decent boltholes and I have plenty of favours to call upon, ” she glanced too at him, smiling reassuringly at him. They’d be okay, even if their work was a shitshow.

Nothing made her feel more relaxed than feeling him play with her hair, and an excuse to talk about the happy things she had been up to. For the first time in all of those months, her smile was reaching her eyes, the worries of secret services and government agencies far from her mind. “ I am. It was more scare tactics, they struck when I was vulnerable but I got out. ”Which made it sound more sinister than it was, or at least was now. “ But I’ll tell you that another time. ”

But, in the midst of all that chaos, the break to Germany had let her keep her clarity, grinning as she thought of how much she’d love to be back there now. “ They are, I missed them so much but we certainly had a lot to catch up on. I showed them all the photos, which made up for them missing it. ” And for the fact she had promised to bring Seb over the next time, so at least he seemed keen. “ Heh, don’t worry, they speak English, but you could just impress them more with your German, ” she teased, slyly winking.

“Even better if we do it in front of other employees or something. Watching him squirm as he tries not to say anything against it in front of so many people, ooooh, that’d be fun to watch.” He grinned gleefully at the idea. So many ways they could torture Jim. Really, it was Jim’s mistake for letting them know him for so long to know exactly what they could get away with.

“But I have a collection of favours to use floating around too. And those Americans may not know it, but they owe me big time.” He thought out loud. “We have plenty of help to fall on if we need it. That’s a good thing.” It was. It would be a horrible circumstance for two high-profile assassins to be left hanging with nothing should the situation arise. May as well paint a target on their backs if that were the case. 

He laid another kiss to her hair, half-closing his eyes. “And I would like to hear those details.” He murmured, nodding in agreement to her saying that topic was for later. “In the very off chance that that all comes around again.” But yes, definitely something for another time. 

At the mention of the wedding photos, he laughed softly. “You better not have shown that grotesque picture of me that we kept for a laugh.” Said picture was a poorly-shot candid that had Seb’s face blurred in mid-motion, but the hilarious focal point of the photo. It had obviously made it into their wedding album for both of their amusements. Shaking his head lightly at the thought, he briefly shifted his position to spare his tailbone against the floor. He adopted a joking expression of relief, however.

[ text: seb ] well if that’s the case, don’t even think about coming back here. disowned. 

Really, she was only as funny as she believed herself to be. Which was not very, even if she still giggled away to herself looking at the message. Clearly his night had been a good one. 

[ text: seb ] i’m kidding, you better get home if you want me to look after your hormonal arse xx. 

[ text: chey ] dunno if it’s yours though sorry my bad

[ text: chey ] aw shit chey 

[ text: chey ] chey

[ text: chey ] drinking’s bad for babies! am I killing it???

[ text: chey ] nooooooooo

[ text: chey ] coming home. don’t let them die on me