The Rat Hole

“Okay, breathe… breathe…” you reminded yourself as you walked down the lane. Lucky for you, the Toads in Toad Town seemed to understand you were under a lot of pressure today, parting for you and not only because you stood a good head and shoulders over them all.

The bustling capital of the Mushroom Kingdom seemed busier than ever, but it was really just a normal Monday for everyone but you. As of today, you were starting your new job. Not only that, but it was your first job out of college. Not only that, but your new job made you the personal assistant to the current monarch of the Mushroom Kingdom.

No pressure.                                            

You clutched your brand-new leather messenger bag tightly as you hustled north from the train station. How you wished today you could just have stopped for a snack with Tayce T! Maybe there was a badge in the shop that made you less nervous? Maybe Merlon had a charm or something that would keep you from losing your job? You looked at your watch again. There was hardly enough time for that (despite being more than a half-hour early). You had to show you were a model employee after all! Hands to shake, people to meet, first impressions to make! Instead, you turned on to Castle Lane and passed through the last of the gateways through the old walls.

There it stood, atop the next hill: Princess Toadstool’s Castle. The white brick and red-tiled roof were iconic the world over, and now you were about to work there. You followed the cobblestone road along the Castle Lake and down through what was Toad Town’s richest neighborhood, the Castle District. At last, you came to the final walls; the Toad Guards saluted you as you passed through the iron gates. It would have been nice to have a little more time to enjoy the serene castle grounds, but your heart was pounding so loudly in your ears, you couldn’t hear anything else. You crossed the white-stone bridge over the sparkling waters of the moat. The massive castle loomed over you. High above, the iconic stained-glass window greeted you. You took one last chance to make sure you looked presentable. Your red vest lined with gold made for quite the striking uniform. With shaky hands, you opened the doors to the castle’s grand entrance.

The doors shut with a heavy boom that echoed through the quiet mezzanine. The marble floors were so clean they were nearly mirrors, which made you all the more hesitant to even walk on them. The edges were covered in lush red carpeting. The walls were painted in a beautiful mural to represent the iconic towering hills of the Mushroom Kingdom. Sun streamed through the windows onto a rather conspicuous rug, but there was no time to inspect that right now.

“Okay…” you muttered, fumbling with your bag and pulling out the letter you received. “Come to the castle… meet with Toadsworth. No location given… but I can’t just wander around here…”

“Hi there!”

“Eep!” You nearly jumped out of your skin, spinning around to see a Toad in a mismatched red hat and blue vest.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare ya!”

“That’s okay,” you said, trying to slow your heart back down. “I’m [Y/n], I think I might be a bit lost. First day and trying to make a good impression.”

“Oh, you’re new? Me too, I just started here a little while ago. My name’s Toad!”

“Toad…?”

“Just Toad.”

“Oh, so like Just T.?”

“Nope, just Toad.”

“Just… Toad.” Unusual, but not the strangest name you’d heard before. “Okay, just Toad, you wouldn’t happen to know where to find the chief steward would you?”

He thought for a moment. “I’m joining the castle guard, not the estate staff… but I think he’s probably on the Second Floor. That’s usually where he hangs around since the Princess’ room is on that floor.”

“Oh, great, thanks!” You hurried towards the grand staircase but skidded to a stop to add a quick, “Good luck with your first day as a guard!”

==============================

The staircase led you up to another atrium, similarly decorated with walls now painted to look like the sky. Unlike the first floor, here the staircase to the third floor split and curved down the sides. A guard stood at the first room directly across from you. Judging by the decoration – and the armed presence – you had to guess that must be the royal bedroom. This floor seemed much busier than the previous, with several hallways and rooms branching off from here. It was hard to decide which to try first, but you thankfully didn’t need to resort to trial and error.

“Ah, would you happen to be Mr. [L/n]?” A distinguished Toad in a brown cap and purple vest, complete with bowtie, entered from what appeared to be a library. He stroked his impressive mustache.

“Yes sir,” You said, instantly in good-first-impression mode.

“Ah-ha! A pleasure to finally make your acquaintance, old bean!” The elderly retainer strode quite spryly to you, despite leaning on his cane. “I am Toadsworth, chief steward to her majesty.”

“[Y/n],” you said, shaking his hand. “I’m looking forward to working with you.”

“Likewise. I apologize for the invitation, I realized I forgot to include our meeting place, but here you are, right on time! Living up to your reputation already. Well, enough chat here in the open, shall we get started?” You scarcely nodded before he was leading you down the impressive hallway. Light streamed into the hall, making the marble floor sparkle. Everything was polished to a perfect shine. As you followed Toadsworth, he led you past a variety of stunningly lifelike paintings of various places from Chucklehuck Woods to Tostarena. “If you think those are impressive, I’m sure you’ll love the Grand Gallery! The reopening is next week, some of the greatest paintings I’ve ever seen. Ah, but we mustn’t dawdle, too many things to do. This is a big day for you after all.”

“Yes sir.” You tried to remain calm, but you clutched your messenger bag with a death grip.

Toadsworth chortled. “Now now, loosen up a bit there. Won’t do for you to have a coronary before meeting the princess! I promise your work here won’t be nearly as intimidating as it seems, and I guarantee you are the right one for the job! Besides, I asked you to come a bit earlier so that you and I can have our first proper meeting.”

He led you into a small but cozy office. Much like the rest of the castle, it was well-lit, but the décor was much more old-fashioned with dark-oak furniture and velvet cushions. Despite the sunny day, a fire crackled in the fireplace that somehow made the room just warm enough. Toadsworth beckoned you to a cozy armchair opposite his own. He poured you a steaming cup of tea. “I figured a classic blend today, Koopa Tea. Partial to a Petalburg blend myself with a hint of Fire Flower – just the punch I need to get my old bones moving.”

“Thank you,” you said. “But I thought you said we had too much to do?”

“Lesson number one, there is always time for tea! I have passed this lesson on to the princess and now I will pass it on to you. It is crucial to stop and take stock when you have a busy day, especially when things seem to be going wrong. No problem is too great for a spot of tea.”

“I see…” You took a sip of yours, a rich and soothing taste with a slightly spicy finish that warmed and soothed you.

“Now, please refresh my memory, you’re originally from New Donk City, isn’t that right?”

“Yes sir, born and raised.”

“Good, the princess always seems to get along best with fellows from New Donk City,” he said with a conspiratorial wink. “But not only are you from New Donk, you have quite the impressive resumé! Pardon me a moment…” he fiddled with his glasses as he fished a folded page from his vest. “Graduate of Crown City University, summa cum laude, International Relations and Political Affairs. Postgraduate work at the University of Goom, with honors. Study abroad in Port Prisma and the Beanbean Kingdom, performed with Toadofsky and the Tute family, Picross afficionado… very impressive! I wonder how you had any time to sleep!”

Your new employer didn’t need to know about how your senior year and post-grad was almost solely fueled by Shroom Shakes, DK Burnin’ Energy Drinks, and Triple-Shot Chuckoccinos... or the extracurriculars you didn’t list on your resumé for blowing off steam. “I hope that it will be enough to keep up with the Princess,” you said meekly.

“Oh, dear boy, I think you’ll have no trouble at all.” Toadsworth chortled. “In fact, I think you’ll fit right in, no question about it.” He took a sip of his tea. “Look at me, talking on and on like a old man. I forget what it was like to be new. You must have questions for me?”

“There’s a million in my head right now,” you admitted. “Though, I suppose if I had to ask one, what would be the best advice you could give me on how to start?”

“One step at a time,” Toadsworth said without hesitation. He chuckled, then explained, “Sometimes we have a daunting task and the road to surmounting it treacherous to say the least. There’s other things you have to learn first, and those things lead down a warp pipe of a million other things. After a while, the task seems impossible. That’s the trap, my boy. Starting a massive task, whether it’s climbing a mountain, writing a book, or working as a royal assistant – it’s an brand new adventure, and it starts with one step at a time. Break the massive task into pieces. Even Mario himself has to break his adventures down into bite-size chunks to save the princess. I can’t imagine how daunting it might seem to go through it all at once, even for him. So why make it harder on yourself?”

“Huh,” you said. “Thanks… that helps a lot.”

“My boy, I trust you will do excellently. It has been many years since I last wore the red vest…” He looked fondly at your uniform for a moment. “I have no doubt in my mind though that you will soon be wearing purple.”

“Purple?”

“Ah, top level staff,” he said, tugging at his own vest. “Royal purple, King Marzipan was quite fond of the color, and the Princess kept the tradition. I imagine you’ll be promoted to wear it as well in no time. Mind you, my intuition is never wrong!”

“I don’t doubt that sir,” you said, indulging in a little laugh. “I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all I can ask for, my boy! Now, I won’t throw you to the Chomps right away, you’ll start out slowly and take on more duties as you get accustomed to them. Let’s start with a little overview…”

==============================

The next hour was a crash course lesson on the kingdom, the Princess, and keeping the royal household moving. Surprisingly, it wasn’t nearly as boring as you’d have imagined, and the hour passed in the blink of an eye. As Toadsworth led the way down the hall, he gave you a final review quiz, with some helpful tangents here and there.

“The princess does have several castles, I’m sure you’ll see them in time. Most of your work will be here at the main castle in Toad Town. Now, if one of the ministers arrives looking for her majesty when she’s not in residence, the correct response is?”

“I’m terribly sorry, but our Princess is in another castle,” you recited. “I would be happy to take a message for her.”

“Precisely! Though, as her newest attaché and assistant, I doubt you’ll spend much time away from her. Look sharp now,” he said, tapping you with his cane, “We’ve arrived at the Princess’ room.”

You scrambled to make sure your shirt was properly tucked and your vest straightened. The guard stepped aside, saluting both of you. With a deep breath, you nodded to Toadsworth, and the doors swung open.

A floral aroma greeted you as the doors opened to a beautiful, but surprisingly less opulent room than you expected. Much like Toadsworth’s room, there was a fire in the fireplace and the room was so clean there was not a speck of dust to be found. The far side was dominated by a large pink bed. There was a walk-in closet and a nice vanity, but overall, her room was tidy and clutter free. Decorations were limited to a few pictures and bouquets of flowers. Last but not least, her bedroom opened out onto a balcony, overlooking Toad Town.

The Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom rose from her bedside. “Ah hello, you must be [Y/n].” From the tip of her crown to the hem of her pink dress, she was the picture of poise and elegance.

“Yes, your majesty,” you said with a bow. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

The Princess giggled and shook your hand. “I’m sure we’ll get on splendidly. Toadsworth is taking good care of you, I hope?”

You flustered a bit, but Toadsworth stepped in. “Only the best for our newest member of staff. I’ve given him a brief overview, but I figured it would be best for him to get accustomed to meeting you. I daresay you may have left him a little starstruck.”

“Oh, don’t pick on him Toadsworth. Now, I believe you have the daily briefing for me?”

“Ah yes, something our new friend will be taking over in no time. Let’s get to brass tacks, shall we? Your cousin has requested your presence at the christening of her new ship. Festivities are to be held at Toad Harbor. I’ve scheduled that for just before your tour of the remodeled Grand Gallery…”

You did your best to listen and take notes, but you realized there was a quiet fourth person in the room with you. Another attendant served tea and small refreshments – and gave you a welcoming smile as well. She wore magenta and had blonde hair in two tight buns. As the Princess and Toadsworth talked, she quietly leaned over to you. “First days are so exciting, aren’t they?”

“Yes, just a lot to take in.”

“Oh certainly, but don’t worry, we all look out for each other. By the way, my name is Toadiko, the Princess’ maid. If you need information, I’m your gal. Nothing goes on in this castle without me hearing about it.” You could imagine how such a claim was a point of distinction… or a threat. That said, she seemed very kind and genuine. The more friendly faces, the better, as you settled in.

You wanted to ask her more, but Toadsworth was already wrapping up his briefing. “Now, time waits for no one, shall we get to it?” Before you could ask what “it” was, the Princess led the way out of her room and down the hall.

==============================

“And here, is where your office will be,” Toadsworth said, leading you into a small antechamber before the Princess’s main office. “At least until I convince the Princess to remodel…”

Princess Toadstool laughed. “Toadsworth, I like the balcony in this office. Who wants to work in a stuffy room all day when I can enjoy a nice spring breeze?”

Toadsworth shook his head. “Princess, I couldn’t agree more, but please consider your safety. It is a security risk if he decides to come by as he usually does…”

Ah. Yes. Him.

To be honest, the thought of him hadn’t crossed your mind until right now. The panic of a post-college job search tends to do that. It was soon dawning on you that you were now in the line of fire for a head of state who happened to be kidnapped.

A lot.

You thought you masked your rising panic well but apparently not well enough for the Princess. “Toadsworth,” she chastised, “we’ll talk about this later. May I have a moment alone with my new attaché?”

“Ah yes, of course, excuse me,” Toadsworth said, clearing his throat. He gave you a firm nod of support that practically screamed Stiff upper lip, old boy! and then he quickly made his exit.

The Princess gently patted your shoulder. “Please don’t pay attention to him. Bowser may like to kidnap me, but things always end up fine in the end. He may be an evil king, but he knows to be fairly gentle on the castle staff… err, mostly.”

“M-Mostly?”

The Princess waved her hand, hastily adding, “The worst that could happen is he tosses you in a cage for a few hours. And besides we have plenty of talented doctors and healers should anything worse happen.” She took your hands in hers with a warm smile. “Don’t worry, everything is going to go smoothly. Let’s just focus on getting your feet wet with the normal day-to-day work before we talk about anything like that.”

Your mind raced, but the Princess was right. One step at a time. “Right, let’s do this,” you said. “So first, let me provide you your schedule update…” You pulled out a small planner pocketbook, bright pink to match the Princess. “Oh, I’m sorry, you’re due for a meeting. It looks like a phone call with the CEO of Toad Toy Store. According to my notes, they are asking to use your likeness on a new Princess Castle playset. Would you like me to take notes for you?”

The Princess laughed. “I can see Toadsworth wasn’t kidding. You really are on top of things. No need to worry, I’ll handle this one today, but I’ll probably ask for your help in the future. In the meantime, why don’t you get settled in your new desk and get comfortable with everything?”

“Um, okay,” You said with a weak nod. As the door shut, you slumped into the surprisingly comfortable office chair. “Didn’t expect a first day to be so stressful…”

Your new office was thankfully cozy. Similar to Toadsworth’s office, you had a classy dark oak desk angled towards the door and partially blocking the way to the Princess’s office. The main difference lay in the adorable mushroom shaped lamp and the sleek desktop computer with dual monitors. As the room was more of a roomette, there was just enough room for your desk and a few soft chairs for those awaiting the Princess. As the final touch, a bowl of gourmet candy made by Tayce T sat on the edge of your desk. You decided to sneak one of your favorites and booted up your new computer.

You barely had time to finish your candy before you heard the office door open. You stood and put on your best customer service smile. “Good morning, how may I help you?”

“One Princess to go,” came the response in a deep voice that shook you to your core.

Your eyes went up and up and up to the terrifying sight of the massive King of the Koopas. Your heart raced as you realized he could end your game at the snap of a finger. You wanted to be brave like the Mario Bros. and tell him to go away, yet your brain short-circuited and all that came out was: “Do you have an appointment?”

Bowser stopped and stared at you. “An… appointment?”

Roll with it. You thought. “Yes, an appointment. I’m afraid the princess is booked solid today.” You flipped through the pages of your organizer. “Hmm, yeah, I’m not seeing many openings, but I think I can squeeze you in next Thursday. How long do you think this kidnapping will be?”

Bowser blinked and looked down at the Magikoopa at his side. “Uh, the kidnapping itself or how long we plan to hold her?”

“Do you have remote meeting options at your castle?”

The Magikoopa tapped the tip of his staff. “We do, but the castle internet is undergoing a bit of maintenance, upgrading to fiber. Perhaps we could do the old teleconference line…”

“If you need time, I can email you a poll link so we can compare availability-”

“ENOUGH!” Bowser roared. “This is ridiculous, I am the King of the Koopas, Master of Mean, Emperor of Evil! B-O-W-S-E-R! I don’t listen to annoying assistants, and I don’t wait for appointments! I am taking the Princess!” With one swoop of his arm, he knocked your desk – and you – aside and stomped through to the Princess’s office. Stars spun before your eyes as you struggled back to your feet. A scream spurred you into action.

“Bowser! Let me go!” You shoved the door open. The Princess looked up, red with embarrassment. “I’m sorry! I wanted today to be an easy day for you.”

“Princess!” You stumbled forward, but suddenly the castle shook. An anchor slammed into the balcony, tearing it and half of the castle wall away. Bowser easily leaped out the hole, grabbing the anchor with one arm and hauling himself and the Princess up, while the Magikoopa summoned a broomstick and flew away.

“I am not losing this job on my first day!” You shouted, leaping out the hole and grabbing onto the anchor chain. As the airship started to pull away, you began to scramble up, link by link.

“Uh, King Bowser sir?” A Goomba muttered peeking over the edge at you. “Do… do I stop him?”

“I thought he was an assistant?” A Paratroopa muttered.

A Shy Guy nodded sagely. “I’ve done crazier things for health insurance benefits…”

“We give you all good benefits!” The Magikoopa shouted.

“Which is why I work for you instead of that stupid fast-food place!” The Shy Guy shouted back.

Meanwhile, you heaved yourself over the ship’s railing, doing your best not to hurl. By the time you caught your breath, you noticed a massive shadow looming over you. You looked up into the glare of King Bowser. Smoke rose from his nostrils, and cinders flew from his mouth as he looked down upon you. “Huh, tough guy alert! Looks like the Princess hired someone with some backbone for once.”

“Give… her… back…” you panted, rising unsteadily to your feet. You put up your fists.

Bowser laughed in your face. You realized one of his hands dwarfed both of your fists together. The tip of his claw alone probably would knock more than your teeth out. “Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do if I don’t, pipsqueak?”

An excellent question. You weren’t exactly an athlete and a few awkward striker games in college didn’t translate to combat – nor did that one awkward date with a boxer at his gym. Lucky for you, the answer came in a different form as you heard two new voices. “Luigi! Let’s-a go!”

“Okie dokie!”

“Wahoo!” The two superstar brothers landed on the deck, easily knocking the Koopa forces out before turning towards Bowser himself.

You could nearly see the vein throb on Bowser’s forehead. Flames danced between his fangs. “Mario! Green bean!”

“It’s, uh… Luigi…” The younger brother quietly added, despite no one seeming to hear him. Mario meanwhile wasted on time, leaping forward towards Bowser.

“Showtime!” The Koopa King growled, swiping at Mario. The rest of his forces charged forward, mostly towards Luigi.

“I swear I am signing up for the dojo first thing after I get off work.” You narrowly slipped away from a careening Koopa shell, only to trip on a Bob-omb. The sensitive guy lit his fuse. “Oh no!” You swooped him up and chucked him across the ship just in time, sending a few Goombas tumbling overboard. “Apply for a quiet office job, you’ll like it! Low stress! ARGH!”

You then felt a tap on your shoulder. It was the Magikoopa. “So, first day? Sorry about that. I swear guys like us always get stuck with the hard work, and I’m getting too old for all this. Gotta pay the bills somehow, am I right?”

“No kidding.” You looked him up and down. “Uh… you’re not gonna attack me?”

“Oh no, not today. Sooner this gets over with, sooner I get back home to watch the livestream of Madame Flurrie’s Farewell Tour.” He cleaned his glasses. “Oh, Kamek by the way.”

“[Y/n].”

You hoped to ask a few more questions, but a loud “Curse you Mario!” ripped through the battle as the main propeller of the ship began to give out.

“Yup, that’s about right on cue, “ Kamek sighed, pulling out his broomstick. “See you next time, [Y/n]. We’ll have to talk one of these days.” He started to float off, but stopped. “I suggest abandoning ship soon.”

“R-right!” You bolted for the side of the ship, taking one last look around. The Princess and the Mario Bros were nowhere to be seen, so you took a deep breath and leaped…

And soon found yourself upside down in a topiary on the castle grounds. Your head was still spinning, even after slipping through the branches to solid ground. “Hey, you okay?” You looked up to see a gloved hand offer you some help up. Luigi smiled awkwardly.

“Yeah, thanks.” You took his hand and got up. You quickly brushed yourself off and straightened your vest. “Thanks so much for coming to save us. Wish I got to meet you under better circumstances, but it’s very nice to make your acquaintance, Luigi!”

Luigi’s eyes brightened. “It’s good to meet you too, Mr… uh…?”

“Sorry, [Y/n], I’m Princess Toadstool’s new assistant. I sure picked a hell of a first day, huh?”

Luigi laughed with you. “Mamma mia, no kidding! I hope we didn’t make that bad of an impression. I promise Bowser doesn’t come by every day!” He paused, then stroked his moustache. “Well… usually at least.”

“Oh no, you were awesome! I just hope I didn’t make a fool of myself in front of the Princess…”

“I don’t think you’ll need to worry about that.” He nodded towards Mario and the Princess, who were now walking over.

“[Y/n], you aren’t hurt are you?” The Princess quickly gave you a once over, gently checking you for any wounds.

“N-no your majesty, I’m fine. I’m sorry-”

“What for? You were amazing! I was so worried you might have gotten hurt, but I never would’ve expected you’d jump in to save me!”

“Well, I wouldn’t say save… I think Mario did that.”

The plumber clapped you on the back with a hearty laugh. “Doesn’t matter, you still came up here! That takes some guts!”

“I just hope you aren’t scared off after all that,” the Princess said.

If today was any indication of what the rest of your time at the castle would be like, you certainly had a ride ahead of you. Yet… the more you thought about it, the chaos did make it fun. How many people could say they faced down King Bowser alone? The thrill… the adrenaline… you’d never felt anything like it before. “No,” you finally said. “Not planning on going anywhere.”

“Come on [Y/n], we have a lot to talk about while I bake this cake for Mario and Luigi.”

“Of course, coming, your majesty!”

“Please, just call me Peach!”

==============================

“Why certainly.” You said with a grin, knowing you had won. You walked over to him as he carefully pushed his project to the side. The second you were within reach, his hand shot out and grabbed you by the shirt, yanking you down towards his work bench. Your hands instinctively went out to catch yourself but Engie stopped you before you hit the table, then pushed you onto it with a hand on your upper back, and used his other hand to yank at the waistband of your pants.

“This is what you wanted isn’t it? Wanted me to “take out my frustration” huh? You oughta be careful what you wish for.”

You opened your mouth to speak but before you could get any words out you were silenced by a swift slap to your now bare ass, thankfully with his flesh hand and not the gunslinger. You looked back at him with a grin, which just made him more frustrated.

“Stop enjoying this so much!” He said, clearly resisting the urge to stomp his feet. Instead, he slapped your ass again, harder this time. You tried to stifle a moan but it slipped out anyways (mostly because you weren’t *really* trying). Engie seemed to get an idea.

“Say… I wonder how many times I can hit the same spot before you stop looking so smug.”

Uh oh.

It took about ten slaps to the exact same spot before you started to question how good of an idea this had been. Curse that engineers meticulous nature, he really did make sure to hit right where there was already a handprint. All five fingers lined up perfectly, every time. It was awful. It was awesome. You felt very lucky he wasn’t making you count them. At this point you could barely make noise anymore, and just whimpered slightly with every strike.

“Aw, got nothing to say anymore?” Engie said, pausing his assault to peer around your severely reddened ass to look at your face. You looked pretty fucked out for someone who hadn’t even been fucked yet. Even though you couldn’t muster words anymore, you managed to respond with a raised middle finger. He really should have tied your hands down.

“Right.” He said, smiling despite himself. He pressed the gunslinger to the red handprint, the cold metal soothing the inflamed area. You groaned openly.

“Well, I think if I do any more you’re gonna start losing some hide, so I say we try something else.” He said, tactfully reaching into a nearby drawer for a bottle of lube.

“Oh thank god.” You thought to yourself. You’d been painfully horny this whole time and the lack of any positive stimulation had been almost as excruciating as the spanking.

The first finger inside felt like heaven, and it was quickly joined by a second. He worked you open quickly and you were almost too blissed out to hear him shucking off his overalls, but then his fingers were gone and before you could offer up any complaints, they were replaced by his cock. He eased in slowly at first, unable to fully get rid of his gentlemanly nature. Or maybe he was just savouring it. Either way, it didn’t last long before he was plowing into you at a much more vigorous pace, his hips slapping against your poor abused ass cheeks. The contrast between that pain and the pleasure of being fucked was beautiful. Engineer was saying something. You were barely listening. Something about you being really goddamn annoying and hoping you’re happy right now. Oh you were definitely happy. His grip on your hips was nearly bruising and you could tell by the way his fingers twitched and squeezed your flesh that he was getting close. Come to think of it, you were too. You hoped he wasn’t angry enough to not let you cum. Luckily, those darn manners were too hard to suppress. He leaned in close to your ear and started murmuring in that devastatingly sexy way he knew would wreck you.

“Aw you gettin’ close sugar? You know, it sure would improve my mood if I got to feel you cumming around my cock. Could you do that for me?”

That was all it took. Something about him asking nicely for you to cum for him always worked. He was very soon to follow, feeling you clenching and twitching around him was just too much. He folded over, laying on top of you and staying inside while you both just breathed for a minute.

“Engie you’re crushing me.”

“Oh shoot, sorry darlin.” He peeled himself away from your back and pulled out, wincing when he saw the still clear handprint on your ass.

“Hold on, you stay put a second.” He kicked off his overalls which had been around his ankles the whole time and walked over to the first aid kit he kept on the wall for situations such as these. He grabbed some arnica cream from inside, as well as a clean rag that he ran under some cold water before returning. You watched him bustle around with your head propped up on your arm, still a little dazed. He returned promptly, and any daze you felt was evaporated when he pressed the cold rag to your ass. After the initial shock of cold, it felt very soothing and you could feel yourself starting to melt into the workbench you were still laying on. After a minute or two, he pulled the rag away and began applying the cream. You could hear him mumbling something about being sorry as he rubbed it in a gently as he could.

“Hey, stop apologizing, I asked for this!” You said, standing up and turning around to face him.

“I know, I know.” He said, unable to meet your gaze. “I still feel bad though. I didn’t go too far did I?”

“You know I would’ve told you if I didn’t like something. I mean, I was obviously egging you on the whole time.” You gently brought him in to a hug and rested your forehead against his. “I’m fine, I promise.”

“Well, if you promise…” He said, his smile starting to return. “You were right you know. It did feel good to get the anger out instead of stewin’ in it like I was.”

“Oh I’m sorry, what was that?” You said, lifting a finger to your ear. “Was that *you* saying that I was right about something? I don’t believe this.”

“Well then don’t believe it, cus I ain’t saying it again.” Engie chuckled. You laughed with him and pressed kisses to his forehead.

“Ok, let’s get you away from this damn workbench. I kinda want a snack. Maybe a hot chocolate…” You mused.

“That sounds like a mighty fine idea. Maybe I should put some pants on for that.” Engie said, looking around in an exaggerated fashion for his pants.

Medic

You doing your over-the-top romantic stuff will 100% go to his head. He feels like hot shit whenever you do anything for him

He likes a little PDA, + hugs n kisses while he's working

He literally feels his heart swell with love for you <3 he thinks you're the sweetest little angel

And the creepy stuff? You are his dream partner on god. He blushes and giggles any time you say some freaky shit

"My love?"

"Hmm? Yes, taube?"

"I wish I could crawl inside your ribcage and kiss your heart."

"Ahahaha! Oh, stop it you~ I'm trying to work!"

Will be smiling for the next half hour while he thinks about what you said

He eats it up, and will return the sentiment with real blood and guts!

(If you want to eat a little piece of him, he's sure he can find something he doesn't really need... just kidding! ...unless? 😏)

Spy

Surprised he's met someone who can match his chivalry; you're even more sappy and romantic than him

You would try to outdo eachother with stupid things, grand gifts, planned dates, and proclamations of love. He sees it as a game

"My love, you look divine tonight."

"Divine? You are absolutely radiant. I should be the one worshipping you, mon coeur."

"That can be arranged... perhaps tonight?"

Scout would gag at the sight of you two. You're sickening

For your creepiness, he finds you a little disturbing but as he gets to know you, like... he gets it. It's poetic. He knows what you're trying to say/the feelings behind them

He gets used to it and tolerates your affections, even if he finds them strange

"Your blood is the most beautiful vibrant red, my love."

"Hmm. Thank you. I'd prefer it if it stayed inside of me, though, mon coeur."

Scout

He is scared and horny

Romantic part: he's the most openly shocked at any romantic gestures you show him.

He totally likes being pampered by you. Give him all your attention forever and ever and ever

Like, you show up one day with a ridiculously huge bouquet of roses for him, and he goes through so many emotions so quickly. Surprised, amused, embarrassed because he assumes you're playing a joke on him, even more embarrassed when he realizes you're 100% genuine, and shy acceptance

"Babe, listen, that's... really frickin' sweet n' stuff, but I dunno where ta put these roses. I'm not really a flowers guy."

"Oh. I'll take them back if-"

"No, they're mine, back off! I'll find a spot."

I think at first he would be creeped out when you say loving yet concerning things, but his infatuation with you overrides his self-preservation.

You'll be cuddling and you'll be like "I wish I could be inside your skin." and he'll give you this look of horror and be like "What???" but will continue to cuddle you

He teases you and calls you a freak/vampire/cannibal

He'll get used to it. Everyone else will wonder how he bagged such a baddie <3 he's literally stupid

A part of him also kind of likes that you're "scary" because he feels like you'd be able to protect him. He would never ever admit that in a MILLION years but its true

Demoman

Oh he so loves romantic shit. No one's ever done anything so nice for him, he feels so special around you!!!

He wouldn't be embarrassed by any PDA, he might even enjoy showing off that he has someone that loves him so much!! <3

Drunk or sober, he loves being by your side and having an arm around you, which you seem to like too

He's glad you're so expressive, because it makes him feel like his "clinginess" is normal, it's just how you are with each other

When you kiss his hand and trail more kisses up his arm, he'll be giggling and pulling you in by your face for a BIG kiss

I think he would be confused the first time you do or say something more macabre, but not afraid

Like.... what'd you say? Oh, it's a compliment? Aw thank you luv P] (thats his eyepatch)

After that, he'd usually reply with his own compliment or add on a joke to yours, like

"You're so adorable, darling. I just want to eat you up."

"Yeah? Bet I'd be good with whipped cream on top, aye? And a cherry, too! Ya look cute yourself, luv."

Heavy

He'll smile real big and laugh when you do romantic things for him. He loves it!

He finds it a bit funny just because, well, he's not the sort of guy anyone does anything romantic for. He also finds it incredibly sweet

It reminds him of being a character in a book he's read, actually being pined after and "wooed"

He always likes cuddling in bed with you at the end of the day, and it's then he'll say thank you (again) for all the cute things you did for him that day

Brushes off the weird things you say, affectionately! he takes it as just another way of saying i love you

His usual reply to your creepy-compliments is to pat your head and be like that's nice honey :] Heavy is going to go make a sandvich. You want?

Pyro

Blushing and giggling at romantic gestures. They love everything cutesy and cheesy and stupid, it shows how much you care!!!

They would be 10000% happy with PDA, excessive smooching on the battlefield

I think they would kind of flip-flip on their reactions to creepy ways to expressing love

Usually they'd 100% get it, giggling, squealing, flapping their hands excitedly

Other times, they'd understand the compliment, but they'd freak themselves out a little bit and ask for reassurance that you're not actually thinking about eating them or something

But that's easily resolved :]

Engineer

Another sucker for classic romantic stuff

He'll insist you shouldn't do anything fancy for him, he's a simple man (but if you do fancy things anyway he'll totally like them. It shows how much you care about him/you think he deserves nice things hehehe)

But he does love compliments and acts of service. That is totally his comfort zone, you two will constantly be exchanging those

He's not exactly wholesome but he does have a picture of the ideal domestic life, very sweet

First he's surprised at how many romantic gestures you do for him, and then he's surprised you're a freak. Not bad surprised! But... it takes getting used to for sure

"You have such beautiful teeth, my love."

"Uh.... thank you. Yer... teeth are nice too," he says while awkwardly rubbing his neck.

He does feel flattered in a weird way?? He is confused

Soldier

He's a little lost in the world of 'romantic' things. He considers very blunt things to be romantic, so when you treat him like... fancy... he takes some time to buffer and figure out how to react

Like he's happy asgkdfl of course he likes it he's just so not used to it, it takes him a second

He thinks of himself as being rugged and manly, he doesn't need nice things or any special treatment, he'll insist, but if you insist, he'll begrudgingly let you do nice things for him

He enjoys it more than he thought he would, like nice dinners, and compliments, and roses, and seeing you so gorgeously dressed up.... nice

He finds your disturbing nature SO attractive. He values strength and loyalty in his partner, and ripping out his heart and eating it is SO strong and loyal!!! What better way to prove your devotion to someone??

lowkey blindly agrees with everything you say

"You have such a beautiful heart, my love. I wish I could just squeeze it in my hand."

"I'm sure Medic could cut it out for you! Wait, that's crazy-talk. I'll cut it out myself, like a real American does!"

You tell him to keep his heart inside and he's like "you sure? I'll do it. i'm not a coward"

Sniper

He likes "creepy" things, like skulls, dead bugs, dead things in general. He can appreciate the beauty in them

He would LOVE your affection, creepy and romantic. He'd be standing there and trying to hide the big smile on his face bc he doesn't know how to handle it

He matches your freak but he's shy teehee.

The creepy-romantic stuff is actually easier for him to respond to than the outright romantic stuff, because he finds it a bit funny

"Darling."

"Yeah, mate?"

"I want to crawl inside your ribcage and wrap myself around your heart."

"Hah, that's sweet, darlin'. I'll crawl in your ribcage too."

VS:

"Darling."

"Yeah, mate?"

"Your eyes are the most beautiful color I've ever seen. Between blue and gray, like the stormy sky above the ocean. I could get lost in them for hours."

"..." He pulls his hat down and tries to hide his smile, looking away from you.

He's so easily flustered by regular romantic things its stupid ahafdsjk

I don't think he blushes an insane amount, but he does a little, and he goes all quiet and like kicks the dirt with his boot aakjfl

He'll say "thank you", "you really didn't have to...", or "I don't deserve you" (shut up yes you do man)

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Very good! Medic might be a sadistic freak, but he knows how to take care of someone. He'll most likely run you a bath, massage any sore muscles, or even use the medigun if you got a little too roughed up during sex.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He likes his hands. As a doctor, he has to have immense control over his hands and be very intentional about everything he's doing with them, so they're one of the best tools he has to pleasure you!

On you, he likes your thighs the best. He's just a thigh man in general, with how grabbable they always are. He likes to bite them. especially your inner thighs. He loves how sensitive they can get.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

He has a breeding kink, so he loves to come inside you, no matter your gender (he WILL make it work.) But he also loves to see his cum all over you. Favorite spots would probably be your thighs and stomach.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Honestly he doesn't really have any secrets, as he's very out-loud about things he wants to do with you and try. Maybe one that he'd keep a little more hush hush about would be he wants to have a threesome with you and Heavy. He'd propose it some day, but for now it stays in his sick and twisted little fantasies.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

He knows exactly what he's doing just from an anatomical standpoint. He's not too experienced with the act itself, but he knows a LOT about the human body, and can and will use all of his information to best fuck you.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

He'd definitely like a lot of positions, but a personal favorite of his would be a mating press. Honestly he also just likes anything where he can grab onto you.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He's rather serious, but you'll probably earn a few laughs from him if you do something sexy. Not in the funny laugh kind of way, but in the amused and turned on sense.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Darker hair, and a lot of it. Not necessarily ungroomed, but definitely not baby smooth anywhere. You have to be into body hair if you're into Medic. It's a given. He does enjoy personal cleanliness though, so he is trimmed.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

He can be romantic, he can be sadistic, he can be desperate, anything you like. He's a pretty freaky guy though, so his go-to isn't exactly romance. However, if you ask for a certain mood like that, he is more than happy to give it, and he is good at it. Spy levels of good at it.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

For as much of a freak as he is, he doesn't really like to jack off. He has a thing about keeping his hands clean as a doctor (cough cough ignore the entirety of "Meet the Medic"), so he doesn't really do it all that often. If you do it for him though, or if he's watching you, he's more than happy.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Really into knifeplay. He'll slice you into ribbons if you let him. Seeing your pretty blood pool under the thin blade of a scalpel, it gets him hard just thinking about it. Also loves roleplay, specifically doctor/patient roleplay or scientist/experiment roleplay.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Operating table in his office. No further questions.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

A lot, actually. But a notable one is when you display smarts. He likes someone who can challenge him, or have a civil argument with him, and bring up good points. Whenever than happens he imagines fucking you so hard you just agree with what he says anyway.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

It's hard to find something he wouldn't do, but more hardcore sadistic stuff like woundfucking would be off the table. He may be able to heal anything he does to you, but he knows you're not a mindless thing for him to use. He genuinely cares about making you feel good.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Oral king. He prefers giving, and has very little gag reflex. He's also super skilled with his tongue. (He would find the clitoris.) Please cum in his mouth, cum on his tongue. He'll drink it up like the needy little slut he is, and will go back in for more if given the chance.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Another back and forth. He's super good with either, but the best part is when he switches on a dime from one to the other. He loves hearing your needy whines whenever he goes slow and deep, and your sharp moans when he goes rough and fast.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

He prefers having you for as long as he can, if possible. He'd spend hours going down on you if he could. In fact, he will. The other mercs can spend a few hours without him patching them up, right?

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He's a big risk taker. He honestly could not give more of a fuck if you're caught.

Okay maybe he wouldn't be the biggest fan of being caught, but he loves taking other risks. He's big on pain and bloodplay, will stop if you ask him, but he'll take it as far as you let him. Also has a breeding kink, so if you're trying not to get pregnant, you might want to disclose that multiple times with him.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

He can last quite a few depending on where and when you're doing it. He'll also make some sort of aphrodisiac if you want to go for longer. He just loves imagining the two of you, going at it raw with nothing but base animalistic instincts for hours. He also isn't the best at holding in his orgasms, but he can go for quite a while if he tries.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He probably owns one or two, but honestly I don't see any of the mercs using them except Engineer and maybe Spy. But if you wanna peg him or something, he's totally down.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Will tease. Mercilessly. Just imagine the two of you going at it, and through his moans he's just saying the filthiest words about you and how you're doing. If you have a thing for it, he'll degrade you til the sun comes up. Or praise you, but it depends on how good you're being.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Loudest motherfucker in the whole base. Probably the whole town, too. He whines, he moans, he groans, do not ask him to stifle anything, because he will just get louder. It's just his thing, y'know? Words falling from his lips, only half aware of what he's saying, probably a lot of German as well, mixed in with his sharp whines as he tells you how good you are for him, and how he's needed this for so long. Please moan in his ear, he'll fall apart at the seams in a whining, whimpering mess.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

He gets wet dreams often of you, and sometimes can't look at you in the eye the next morning if they were especially vivid. He also lucid dreams occasionally, so his dreams are usually filled with the stuff you wouldn't normally do with him in reality.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Medically speaking, above average for a man his size, and rather girthy too. He says that length is useless if you don't know how to use it, but my god does he know how to use it. It's also rather sensitive. Play with the tip and you'll have him coming in no time.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Man's libido is off the charts. As established earlier, he'll go at it for hours if you let him. Of course he's a respectful and professional man, but as soon as you give him the go-ahead, assume to not be walking for the next day.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)