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The long anticipated speedingbullet fic, aka “Spy tries to be a good father and fails miserably”
This will be chapter one and then I’ll have two or three more coming later. Please feel free to give feedback or suggestions!!!
No TWs apply yet
Sniper and scout have been, shall we say, “seeing each other”, for some time now. It started out as an honest mistake. Honest! They were sitting on top of sniper’s camper, drinking a few too many beers and chatting (well, scout was chatting. Sniper was mostly nodding and adding the occasional “mhm” at appropriate times.) Scout was gesturing wildly with his beer while telling a particularly riveting story and managed to spill it all over sniper’s front. While scout had felt terrible, sniper insisted it was no problem and climbed down to go wash the shirt in his campers sink. Scout followed and found himself staring at sniper’s naked torso as he was hunched over scrubbing beer out of his shirt. Sniper noticed, of course, and asked if scout wanted something. Scout accidentally said yes. The rest is history.
None of that is important. What’s important is that spy found out. Spy found out that his son was shacking up with that disgusting, filthy, wretched, piss-soaked bushman. The homosexuality of it wasn’t a problem, god knows the spy of all people wouldn’t care about that, but sniper? Surely scout knew he could do better. Was his self esteem really that bad? Spy could honestly say he didn’t care about scout’s personal life most of the time, but he could not stand by and just let *this* happen. After battle that day, spy stalked up to scout and simply said “We need to talk. My smoking room, one hour.” Which certainly did wonders to scout’s nerves, but nonetheless he arrived at the smoking room as requested. Spy let him in and gestured him to sit on one of the lavish velvet armchairs. Scout sat and immediately began bouncing his leg and fidgeting with his hand wraps. Spy sat opposite to him and opened his mouth to speak, but before any sound came, scout was already blurting out “Look I don’t know how you found out but I swear to god I had nothing to do with it, I don’t even like that stuff! I mean yeah I knew about it but I was sworn to secrecy man, I wasn’t doing no participating or nothing! And-“ scout was cut off by spy simply holding up his hand.
“Scout,” he said “what are you talking about?”
“Uh. I… *was* talking about whatever it is that I think you called me in here to yell at me about…” Scout said slowly, enunciating his words carefully and eyes even wider with fear than they were already. Spy just sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, deciding to leave this new mystery issue for another time.
“Scout, I’ve called you in here because I know about you and sniper.”
Scout flushed, but attempted to play it off.
“Uh, what about me and sniper? We’re just pals.” He laughed nervously.
“Awfully close “pals” it would seem.” Spy deadpanned. “I hope you know you could do much better than the likes of him.”
“Why, what’s wrong with him? It is cuz he’s a man? That’s pretty messed up spy, didn’t think you’d be homo… homophoney or whatever it’s called.”
“Homophobic, and *no* that is not my issue with him. Honestly I wouldn’t care if it was literally anyone else on the team.”
Scout raised a suspicious eyebrow. Despite the odds, he was beginning to form an idea.
“Anyone else on the team huh…”
“Yes, it’s not like I care about what, or who, you do in your spare time. I just don’t want him rubbing off on you and having to deal with more disgusting unwashed savages than I already do.” God forbid scout think that spy actually cared about him in any meaningful way. In fact, spy was so concerned with making sure scout wouldn’t get the wrong idea that he completely missed that scout was already getting a different wrong idea.
“Riiight, well I promise that won’t happen. I like showers. So uh, good talk, I’ll get out of your hair now…” Scout said as he made to leave. Spy simply rolled his eyes and let him go, realizing that a simple talk was not going to solve this little problem.
+++
Sniper heard knocking on his camper door. He didn’t bother putting a shirt on to answer because he knew that only one person would bother walking all the way from the base to his camper across the desert with the evening sun burning every inch of exposed skin.
“Hey scout. You look awfully troubled.”
Scout was sweating on his doorstep with a look on his face that could definitely be described as “troubled”.
“Yeah something like that. Can I come in or are you gonna wait until I melt enough to slide under the door?”
Sniper barked a laugh and moved aside to let scout into the campers air conditioned bliss. Scout immediately collapsed into the little leather booth seat and rested his head on the attached table in snipers “dining room”. Sniper wordlessly set a can of Bonk! in front of him before pouring himself some more coffee and sitting down on the other seat. Scout grabbed the can and popped the tab, taking several gulps before speaking.
“Spy knows we’ve been fucking.”
Sniper very narrowly avoided shooting coffee out of his nose.
“What? How do you know?” He asked incredulously.
“He called me into his smoking room and told me that I shouldn’t be boning you because he thinks you’re gross and he doesn’t want your gross rubbing off on me. I mean, what a nosy freak!”
“He said that? Like word for word?” Sniper said, raising an eyebrow.
“More or less. Something to that effect kind of sort of.”
“Right…”
“But it’s got me thinking like, why is he being so weird about us? Like you’d think if he found out he wouldn’t say anything until he needed to blackmail us or something.”
“Uh huh…”
“Do you think it’s like, jealousy? Like maybe he’s mad because he wants to fuck me or something?”
Now sniper really did shoot coffee out of his nose. After a significant coughing fit and scout slapping him on the back a few times, sniper managed to say “nah mate I don’t think that’s it” in a very strained voice.
“Really, you don’t think so?” Replied scout. “I mean I’m pretty hot stuff, I wouldn’t be surprised. And spy is definitely gay so that’s not even a question.”
Sniper contemplated how exactly he was going to convince scout he was wrong without telling him the truth about who exactly spy was in relation to him. Luckily he didn’t have to, because at that moment there was a knock on the door.
“Who on earth…” He muttered as he quickly threw a shirt on and opened the door.
“I KNOW YOU ARE HARBOURING A FUGITIVE.”
It was soldier.
“Soldier what are you talking about?” Sniper said tiredly.
“IT IS SCOUTS TURN TO DO THE DISHES AND YET HE HAS BEEN MISSING IN ACTION ALL EVENING. I KNOW HE IS IN HERE HIDING FROM HIS RESPONSIBILITIES!”
“Aw crap was that tonight?” Said scout from inside the camper.
“YOU!” Soldier exclaimed as he barged past sniper. He grabbed scout unceremoniously by the scruff of the neck and began dragging him back towards the base.
“Look soldier I’m sorry! I just forgot I swear! I’m coming ok stop dragging me!” Could be heard emanating from scout as the two faded into the distance.
Spy knew scout was not going to be convinced to simply break up with the bushman. He had that disgusting look in his eyes that meant nothing you said about his new beau could stop him from acting like sniper personally hung the stars. However… sniper himself was older. More mature. Probably wasn’t even that infatuated with scout. Perhaps *he* was who spy should be focusing on.
He decided that a more subtle approach would be best. Plant a seed of doubt in the bushman’s mind. Exploit his insecurities. Spy decided to wait until mid battle to enact his plan. Disguised as the demoman, he “happened” to stumble past snipers vantage point.
“Bloody scout… acting stupid…” he muttered to himself, just loud enough for sniper to hear. “Oi sniper! How do you stand him? Always acting like a bloody kid. I’d hate to spend time with anyone that young.” Spy had to suppress a self satisfied chuckle at his genius manipulation skills. Surely this will cause sniper to realize how much of a creep he must be for dating someone so much his junior. Meanwhile, sniper chuckled aloud.
“Well we are basically the same age mate.”
“Wot.” Said Spy, almost forgetting to put on his demo voice.
“Yeah I’m only a few years older than him. What, did ya think I was some old fart like you lot?”
Spy managed to laugh it off.
“Aye, I guess I did. Too bad, I can’t share scrumpy with you in good conscience anymore. Bad for a growing boy.”
“Yeah yeah, fuck off and go blow some BLUs up would ya?”
“Aye aye young’un.” Said spy, giving an exaggerated salute before quickly running off to go mope about his failure.
+++
“Y’know snipes, I’ve been thinking.” Said scout as he lounged on the campers pitifully small bed.
“God help us.” Muttered sniper as he rummaged around his cupboards for something to eat.
“You remember how I thought spy was into me because he was being all weird about us being together?”
Sniper gave a noncommittal grunt.
“Well I was thinking that that didn’t really make sense actually.” Scout continued. Sniper breathed an internal sigh of relief.
“It makes way more sense that he wants to fuck YOU.”
Sniper felt very glad he had no coffee to shoot out of his nose this time.
“Think about it!” Scout insisted. “Maybe he was trying to convince me that you’re gross because he wants you all to himself. Plus he’s so stuck up and fancy, he’s probably into dudes who don’t take showers. Opposites attract or whatever.”
“I take showers! Why does everyone think I don’t take showers?”
“Well even I’ve never seen you in the showers before.”
“Yeah I take em when no one’s there so no one stares at me cock!”
“There ain’t much to stare at pal.”
“You of all people know that is not true. And there’s no way spy wants to fuck me.”
“Pretty sure he does, and I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind for trying to get in my boyfriend’s pants!”
“Please don’t.” Sniper refrained from commenting on the fact that scout had just called him his boyfriend for the first time, but he noticed and it made him… happy? He thought? He definitely felt something about it, and simply couldn’t wait to overthink it later in bed when he really should be sleeping.
+++
Was sniper really only 32? Spy supposed years in the Australian sun must age a person. He had snuck into medics office and was perusing snipers medical files, trying to find something, anything he could use as sufficient leverage but was coming up short. Everything in snipers files was either already known to everyone on the team (like his kidney enlargement pills) or just not of concern to anyone except medic (like his organs that had been replaced with… that had been replaced). Perhaps medical history was not the way to go. Factual information often comes up short for blackmail purposes anyways. Anecdotal evidence is where it’s really at. Off to flex his incredible interrogation skills.
“You wouldn’t happen to have any interesting dirt on the sniper would you?” He asked engineer.
“Even if I did, I think it would be pretty bad form to go telling it to anyone who asked.” He replied without looking up from whatever new gadget he was tinkering with.
“You’re a terrible spoil-sport you know.”
“Well exactly what sport am I spoiling here? You don’t usually ask me for dirt on your own team.”
“It would be pretty bad form for a spy to reveal his motivations to his informants.” Spy mocked. Engineer rolled his eyes behind his goggles.
“It wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that sniper and scout have been spending an awful lot of time together now would it?”
Spy’s eye twitched.
“So you know about that as well then?”
“They ain’t exactly subtle.”
Engineer left out the part where scout had been coming to him for relationship advice for the past while. He didn’t need spy having a conniption in his workshop.
“Then you understand that I am obligated to put a stop to it.” Spy huffed.
“Look darlin’…” engineer said, looking up from his work and removing his goggles. “Have you considered that maybe scout is happy and you should just let em be? I know you hate sniper but this just seems like you sticking your nose where it ain’t needed.”
Spy raised a skeptical eyebrow.
“What a ridiculous notion. I don’t know why I bother coming to you for these things, honestly.” He said as he stalked out of the workshop. Engineer watched him leave, hoping spy wasn’t going to do anything ridiculous but knowing he probably would.
Sorry I’ve been sitting on this for so long I hope you guys still love me :p
If spy couldn’t dig up any dirt on sniper, he would just have to manufacture some. Luckily this was another thing he was very skilled at. His plan was genius. He would go to a bar disguised as sniper, convince some woman to leave with him (very easy really, his charms were irresistible), then take pictures of “sniper” in the midst of some adulterous act and show them to scout. Simple. Effortless. Foolproof.
Spy had to resist grinning as he waltzed into the bar in his disguise. Immediately he encountered his first hurdle. There were only three women in the entire bar. That narrowed his probability of success some, but he remained undeterred. He approached the woman closest to the entrance, a fairly attractive blonde. Before he could speak, she held up a hand and said “I’m gonna stop you right there, I’m a lesbian.”
“Oh.” Said spy. “No worries then.”
Two chances left. No worries indeed.
The second woman was sitting at the bar. Dark hair, low cut top, hopefully not a lesbian. He sat next to her and asked if he might buy her a drink. She looked him up and down slowly before saying “no thanks, I was actually about to leave.”
She promptly paid her tab and left. Sniper was very lucky to be gay, because clearly women found him entirely unappealing. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t ruining spy’s plan. One girl left. He could not mess this up. She was standing near the back, leaning against the jukebox. Perfect, spy could approach under the guise of wanting to play a song, and strike up a conversation. However, as soon the final girl noticed him closing in, she put her hand over her drink. Spy turned on his heel immediately and left the bar. He had never felt so utterly humiliated in his life.
+++
Scouts nasty habit of “thinking” was starting to rub off on sniper. Sure, he knew the real reason spy was being so pissy about his and scouts relationship. Scout was spy’s son, and he didn’t want his son getting with someone he despised with a passion. Obviously. But since when did spy start caring about his son? He’d never done anything like this before, and there have been plenty of times where spy had an opportunity to be at least reasonably protective and wasn’t. Plenty of times that scout got himself into bad situations that spy could have saved him from, and didn’t. Why now? Over something comparatively trivial? There must be some sort of personal gain in it for him. Then sniper started thinking even more. Why *did* spy hate him so much? He supposed the obvious. Sniper did often shoot him in the head. And stab him with a big knife. And dump jars of piss on him. That was probably a big factor. But those were all annoying at best! Surely spy couldn’t hate him so strongly just for that! Maybe spy’s hatred was just a cover for something else after all. Dear god, maybe scout was right! At that moment, sniper realized he had been sitting on the toilet staring at the floor for the past 20 minutes, and his legs were falling asleep. Perhaps it would be best to continue this “thinking” business later.
+++
Spy sat in his smoking room, fuming both figuratively and literally, a cigarette pinched between his fingers far tighter than necessary. Perhaps he should just wait until respawn was off and kill the sniper. I would be so much easier that way. He wouldn’t be fired, he was far too valuable to the team. But how would he do it? He could stab him, obviously, but that seemed too easy. Spy stabbed everyone. Sniper deserved special punishment for (unknowingly) ruining spy’s plans at every turn. He deserved to have an anvil dropped on his head or something. Spy chuckled to himself as he imagined placing a bag labelled “sniper food” on top of a big red X on the ground and waiting for the bushman to fall for his trap. He really needed to stop watching those cartoons scout always put on the tv. Speaking of scout: someone was banging on his door.
Spy rolled his eyes and got up to attend to the ceaseless knocking. He had barely undone all the locks when scout barged in, yelling all the way.
“You have got some nerve you know that! Trying to trick me into breaking up with snipes just so you can have him all to yourself!”
“WHAT.” Spy practically choked.
“Bet you think you’re real slick too, acting like you hate him all the time! Like some freakin fifth grader!”
“Scout that is NOT-“ Unfortunately spy couldn’t seem to get a word in edgewise.
“Well you need to keep your little crush to yourself and stay outta me and snipers relationship!”
“I’m not dignifying this with a response. Get out.”
“Fine! I made my point. You stay away from my man!”
Spy practically gagged upon hearing scout say the words “my man”. If only he knew how badly he was embarrassing himself. Before he could tell scout exactly how embarrassed he should be, the door was very rudely slammed in his face. Right into his nose, actually. Dear god that hurt.
+++
“You know this is what you get for trying to meddle.” Said engineer, helping spy hold an ice pack to his nose. “If you had just let ‘em be, none of this would be happening.”
The long anticipated speedingbullet fic, aka “Spy tries to be a good father and fails miserably”
This will be chapter one and then I’ll have two or three more coming later. Please feel free to give feedback or suggestions!!!
No TWs apply yet
Sniper and scout have been, shall we say, “seeing each other”, for some time now. It started out as an honest mistake. Honest! They were sitting on top of sniper’s camper, drinking a few too many beers and chatting (well, scout was chatting. Sniper was mostly nodding and adding the occasional “mhm” at appropriate times.) Scout was gesturing wildly with his beer while telling a particularly riveting story and managed to spill it all over sniper’s front. While scout had felt terrible, sniper insisted it was no problem and climbed down to go wash the shirt in his campers sink. Scout followed and found himself staring at sniper’s naked torso as he was hunched over scrubbing beer out of his shirt. Sniper noticed, of course, and asked if scout wanted something. Scout accidentally said yes. The rest is history.
None of that is important. What’s important is that spy found out. Spy found out that his son was shacking up with that disgusting, filthy, wretched, piss-soaked bushman. The homosexuality of it wasn’t a problem, god knows the spy of all people wouldn’t care about that, but sniper? Surely scout knew he could do better. Was his self esteem really that bad? Spy could honestly say he didn’t care about scout’s personal life most of the time, but he could not stand by and just let *this* happen. After battle that day, spy stalked up to scout and simply said “We need to talk. My smoking room, one hour.” Which certainly did wonders to scout’s nerves, but nonetheless he arrived at the smoking room as requested. Spy let him in and gestured him to sit on one of the lavish velvet armchairs. Scout sat and immediately began bouncing his leg and fidgeting with his hand wraps. Spy sat opposite to him and opened his mouth to speak, but before any sound came, scout was already blurting out “Look I don’t know how you found out but I swear to god I had nothing to do with it, I don’t even like that stuff! I mean yeah I knew about it but I was sworn to secrecy man, I wasn’t doing no participating or nothing! And-“ scout was cut off by spy simply holding up his hand.
“Scout,” he said “what are you talking about?”
“Uh. I… *was* talking about whatever it is that I think you called me in here to yell at me about…” Scout said slowly, enunciating his words carefully and eyes even wider with fear than they were already. Spy just sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, deciding to leave this new mystery issue for another time.
“Scout, I’ve called you in here because I know about you and sniper.”
Scout flushed, but attempted to play it off.
“Uh, what about me and sniper? We’re just pals.” He laughed nervously.
“Awfully close “pals” it would seem.” Spy deadpanned. “I hope you know you could do much better than the likes of him.”
“Why, what’s wrong with him? It is cuz he’s a man? That’s pretty messed up spy, didn’t think you’d be homo… homophoney or whatever it’s called.”
“Homophobic, and *no* that is not my issue with him. Honestly I wouldn’t care if it was literally anyone else on the team.”
Scout raised a suspicious eyebrow. Despite the odds, he was beginning to form an idea.
“Anyone else on the team huh…”
“Yes, it’s not like I care about what, or who, you do in your spare time. I just don’t want him rubbing off on you and having to deal with more disgusting unwashed savages than I already do.” God forbid scout think that spy actually cared about him in any meaningful way. In fact, spy was so concerned with making sure scout wouldn’t get the wrong idea that he completely missed that scout was already getting a different wrong idea.
“Riiight, well I promise that won’t happen. I like showers. So uh, good talk, I’ll get out of your hair now…” Scout said as he made to leave. Spy simply rolled his eyes and let him go, realizing that a simple talk was not going to solve this little problem.
+++
Sniper heard knocking on his camper door. He didn’t bother putting a shirt on to answer because he knew that only one person would bother walking all the way from the base to his camper across the desert with the evening sun burning every inch of exposed skin.
“Hey scout. You look awfully troubled.”
Scout was sweating on his doorstep with a look on his face that could definitely be described as “troubled”.
“Yeah something like that. Can I come in or are you gonna wait until I melt enough to slide under the door?”
Sniper barked a laugh and moved aside to let scout into the campers air conditioned bliss. Scout immediately collapsed into the little leather booth seat and rested his head on the attached table in snipers “dining room”. Sniper wordlessly set a can of Bonk! in front of him before pouring himself some more coffee and sitting down on the other seat. Scout grabbed the can and popped the tab, taking several gulps before speaking.
“Spy knows we’ve been fucking.”
Sniper very narrowly avoided shooting coffee out of his nose.
“What? How do you know?” He asked incredulously.
“He called me into his smoking room and told me that I shouldn’t be boning you because he thinks you’re gross and he doesn’t want your gross rubbing off on me. I mean, what a nosy freak!”
“He said that? Like word for word?” Sniper said, raising an eyebrow.
“More or less. Something to that effect kind of sort of.”
“Right…”
“But it’s got me thinking like, why is he being so weird about us? Like you’d think if he found out he wouldn’t say anything until he needed to blackmail us or something.”
“Uh huh…”
“Do you think it’s like, jealousy? Like maybe he’s mad because he wants to fuck me or something?”
Now sniper really did shoot coffee out of his nose. After a significant coughing fit and scout slapping him on the back a few times, sniper managed to say “nah mate I don’t think that’s it” in a very strained voice.
“Really, you don’t think so?” Replied scout. “I mean I’m pretty hot stuff, I wouldn’t be surprised. And spy is definitely gay so that’s not even a question.”
Sniper contemplated how exactly he was going to convince scout he was wrong without telling him the truth about who exactly spy was in relation to him. Luckily he didn’t have to, because at that moment there was a knock on the door.
“Who on earth…” He muttered as he quickly threw a shirt on and opened the door.
“I KNOW YOU ARE HARBOURING A FUGITIVE.”
It was soldier.
“Soldier what are you talking about?” Sniper said tiredly.
“IT IS SCOUTS TURN TO DO THE DISHES AND YET HE HAS BEEN MISSING IN ACTION ALL EVENING. I KNOW HE IS IN HERE HIDING FROM HIS RESPONSIBILITIES!”
“Aw crap was that tonight?” Said scout from inside the camper.
“YOU!” Soldier exclaimed as he barged past sniper. He grabbed scout unceremoniously by the scruff of the neck and began dragging him back towards the base.
“Look soldier I’m sorry! I just forgot I swear! I’m coming ok stop dragging me!” Could be heard emanating from scout as the two faded into the distance.
Spy knew scout was not going to be convinced to simply break up with the bushman. He had that disgusting look in his eyes that meant nothing you said about his new beau could stop him from acting like sniper personally hung the stars. However… sniper himself was older. More mature. Probably wasn’t even that infatuated with scout. Perhaps *he* was who spy should be focusing on.
He decided that a more subtle approach would be best. Plant a seed of doubt in the bushman’s mind. Exploit his insecurities. Spy decided to wait until mid battle to enact his plan. Disguised as the demoman, he “happened” to stumble past snipers vantage point.
“Bloody scout… acting stupid…” he muttered to himself, just loud enough for sniper to hear. “Oi sniper! How do you stand him? Always acting like a bloody kid. I’d hate to spend time with anyone that young.” Spy had to suppress a self satisfied chuckle at his genius manipulation skills. Surely this will cause sniper to realize how much of a creep he must be for dating someone so much his junior. Meanwhile, sniper chuckled aloud.
“Well we are basically the same age mate.”
“Wot.” Said Spy, almost forgetting to put on his demo voice.
“Yeah I’m only a few years older than him. What, did ya think I was some old fart like you lot?”
Spy managed to laugh it off.
“Aye, I guess I did. Too bad, I can’t share scrumpy with you in good conscience anymore. Bad for a growing boy.”
“Yeah yeah, fuck off and go blow some BLUs up would ya?”
“Aye aye young’un.” Said spy, giving an exaggerated salute before quickly running off to go mope about his failure.
+++
“Y’know snipes, I’ve been thinking.” Said scout as he lounged on the campers pitifully small bed.
“God help us.” Muttered sniper as he rummaged around his cupboards for something to eat.
“You remember how I thought spy was into me because he was being all weird about us being together?”
Sniper gave a noncommittal grunt.
“Well I was thinking that that didn’t really make sense actually.” Scout continued. Sniper breathed an internal sigh of relief.
“It makes way more sense that he wants to fuck YOU.”
Sniper felt very glad he had no coffee to shoot out of his nose this time.
“Think about it!” Scout insisted. “Maybe he was trying to convince me that you’re gross because he wants you all to himself. Plus he’s so stuck up and fancy, he’s probably into dudes who don’t take showers. Opposites attract or whatever.”
“I take showers! Why does everyone think I don’t take showers?”
“Well even I’ve never seen you in the showers before.”
“Yeah I take em when no one’s there so no one stares at me cock!”
“There ain’t much to stare at pal.”
“You of all people know that is not true. And there’s no way spy wants to fuck me.”
“Pretty sure he does, and I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind for trying to get in my boyfriend’s pants!”
“Please don’t.” Sniper refrained from commenting on the fact that scout had just called him his boyfriend for the first time, but he noticed and it made him… happy? He thought? He definitely felt something about it, and simply couldn’t wait to overthink it later in bed when he really should be sleeping.
+++
Was sniper really only 32? Spy supposed years in the Australian sun must age a person. He had snuck into medics office and was perusing snipers medical files, trying to find something, anything he could use as sufficient leverage but was coming up short. Everything in snipers files was either already known to everyone on the team (like his kidney enlargement pills) or just not of concern to anyone except medic (like his organs that had been replaced with… that had been replaced). Perhaps medical history was not the way to go. Factual information often comes up short for blackmail purposes anyways. Anecdotal evidence is where it’s really at. Off to flex his incredible interrogation skills.
“You wouldn’t happen to have any interesting dirt on the sniper would you?” He asked engineer.
“Even if I did, I think it would be pretty bad form to go telling it to anyone who asked.” He replied without looking up from whatever new gadget he was tinkering with.
“You’re a terrible spoil-sport you know.”
“Well exactly what sport am I spoiling here? You don’t usually ask me for dirt on your own team.”
“It would be pretty bad form for a spy to reveal his motivations to his informants.” Spy mocked. Engineer rolled his eyes behind his goggles.
“It wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that sniper and scout have been spending an awful lot of time together now would it?”
Spy’s eye twitched.
“So you know about that as well then?”
“They ain’t exactly subtle.”
Engineer left out the part where scout had been coming to him for relationship advice for the past while. He didn’t need spy having a conniption in his workshop.
“Then you understand that I am obligated to put a stop to it.” Spy huffed.
“Look darlin’…” engineer said, looking up from his work and removing his goggles. “Have you considered that maybe scout is happy and you should just let em be? I know you hate sniper but this just seems like you sticking your nose where it ain’t needed.”
Spy raised a skeptical eyebrow.
“What a ridiculous notion. I don’t know why I bother coming to you for these things, honestly.” He said as he stalked out of the workshop. Engineer watched him leave, hoping spy wasn’t going to do anything ridiculous but knowing he probably would.
The long anticipated speedingbullet fic, aka “Spy tries to be a good father and fails miserably”
This will be chapter one and then I’ll have two or three more coming later. Please feel free to give feedback or suggestions!!!
No TWs apply yet
Sniper and scout have been, shall we say, “seeing each other”, for some time now. It started out as an honest mistake. Honest! They were sitting on top of sniper’s camper, drinking a few too many beers and chatting (well, scout was chatting. Sniper was mostly nodding and adding the occasional “mhm” at appropriate times.) Scout was gesturing wildly with his beer while telling a particularly riveting story and managed to spill it all over sniper’s front. While scout had felt terrible, sniper insisted it was no problem and climbed down to go wash the shirt in his campers sink. Scout followed and found himself staring at sniper’s naked torso as he was hunched over scrubbing beer out of his shirt. Sniper noticed, of course, and asked if scout wanted something. Scout accidentally said yes. The rest is history.
None of that is important. What’s important is that spy found out. Spy found out that his son was shacking up with that disgusting, filthy, wretched, piss-soaked bushman. The homosexuality of it wasn’t a problem, god knows the spy of all people wouldn’t care about that, but sniper? Surely scout knew he could do better. Was his self esteem really that bad? Spy could honestly say he didn’t care about scout’s personal life most of the time, but he could not stand by and just let *this* happen. After battle that day, spy stalked up to scout and simply said “We need to talk. My smoking room, one hour.” Which certainly did wonders to scout’s nerves, but nonetheless he arrived at the smoking room as requested. Spy let him in and gestured him to sit on one of the lavish velvet armchairs. Scout sat and immediately began bouncing his leg and fidgeting with his hand wraps. Spy sat opposite to him and opened his mouth to speak, but before any sound came, scout was already blurting out “Look I don’t know how you found out but I swear to god I had nothing to do with it, I don’t even like that stuff! I mean yeah I knew about it but I was sworn to secrecy man, I wasn’t doing no participating or nothing! And-“ scout was cut off by spy simply holding up his hand.
“Scout,” he said “what are you talking about?”
“Uh. I… *was* talking about whatever it is that I think you called me in here to yell at me about…” Scout said slowly, enunciating his words carefully and eyes even wider with fear than they were already. Spy just sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, deciding to leave this new mystery issue for another time.
“Scout, I’ve called you in here because I know about you and sniper.”
Scout flushed, but attempted to play it off.
“Uh, what about me and sniper? We’re just pals.” He laughed nervously.
“Awfully close “pals” it would seem.” Spy deadpanned. “I hope you know you could do much better than the likes of him.”
“Why, what’s wrong with him? It is cuz he’s a man? That’s pretty messed up spy, didn’t think you’d be homo… homophoney or whatever it’s called.”
“Homophobic, and *no* that is not my issue with him. Honestly I wouldn’t care if it was literally anyone else on the team.”
Scout raised a suspicious eyebrow. Despite the odds, he was beginning to form an idea.
“Anyone else on the team huh…”
“Yes, it’s not like I care about what, or who, you do in your spare time. I just don’t want him rubbing off on you and having to deal with more disgusting unwashed savages than I already do.” God forbid scout think that spy actually cared about him in any meaningful way. In fact, spy was so concerned with making sure scout wouldn’t get the wrong idea that he completely missed that scout was already getting a different wrong idea.
“Riiight, well I promise that won’t happen. I like showers. So uh, good talk, I’ll get out of your hair now…” Scout said as he made to leave. Spy simply rolled his eyes and let him go, realizing that a simple talk was not going to solve this little problem.
+++
Sniper heard knocking on his camper door. He didn’t bother putting a shirt on to answer because he knew that only one person would bother walking all the way from the base to his camper across the desert with the evening sun burning every inch of exposed skin.
“Hey scout. You look awfully troubled.”
Scout was sweating on his doorstep with a look on his face that could definitely be described as “troubled”.
“Yeah something like that. Can I come in or are you gonna wait until I melt enough to slide under the door?”
Sniper barked a laugh and moved aside to let scout into the campers air conditioned bliss. Scout immediately collapsed into the little leather booth seat and rested his head on the attached table in snipers “dining room”. Sniper wordlessly set a can of Bonk! in front of him before pouring himself some more coffee and sitting down on the other seat. Scout grabbed the can and popped the tab, taking several gulps before speaking.
“Spy knows we’ve been fucking.”
Sniper very narrowly avoided shooting coffee out of his nose.
“What? How do you know?” He asked incredulously.
“He called me into his smoking room and told me that I shouldn’t be boning you because he thinks you’re gross and he doesn’t want your gross rubbing off on me. I mean, what a nosy freak!”
“He said that? Like word for word?” Sniper said, raising an eyebrow.
“More or less. Something to that effect kind of sort of.”
“Right…”
“But it’s got me thinking like, why is he being so weird about us? Like you’d think if he found out he wouldn’t say anything until he needed to blackmail us or something.”
“Uh huh…”
“Do you think it’s like, jealousy? Like maybe he’s mad because he wants to fuck me or something?”
Now sniper really did shoot coffee out of his nose. After a significant coughing fit and scout slapping him on the back a few times, sniper managed to say “nah mate I don’t think that’s it” in a very strained voice.
“Really, you don’t think so?” Replied scout. “I mean I’m pretty hot stuff, I wouldn’t be surprised. And spy is definitely gay so that’s not even a question.”
Sniper contemplated how exactly he was going to convince scout he was wrong without telling him the truth about who exactly spy was in relation to him. Luckily he didn’t have to, because at that moment there was a knock on the door.
“Who on earth…” He muttered as he quickly threw a shirt on and opened the door.
“I KNOW YOU ARE HARBOURING A FUGITIVE.”
It was soldier.
“Soldier what are you talking about?” Sniper said tiredly.
“IT IS SCOUTS TURN TO DO THE DISHES AND YET HE HAS BEEN MISSING IN ACTION ALL EVENING. I KNOW HE IS IN HERE HIDING FROM HIS RESPONSIBILITIES!”
“Aw crap was that tonight?” Said scout from inside the camper.
“YOU!” Soldier exclaimed as he barged past sniper. He grabbed scout unceremoniously by the scruff of the neck and began dragging him back towards the base.
“Look soldier I’m sorry! I just forgot I swear! I’m coming ok stop dragging me!” Could be heard emanating from scout as the two faded into the distance.
Ok the people have spoken and yous want me to post chapters separately so I will post the first one in uhhh like the 20 minutes it takes me to format it for tumblr
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Ok question for the jar gang: if I were to post a certain sniper/scout fic, would you guys rather I posted it in smaller chapters over time or just wait until I’ve written the whole thing and post it all at once?
This is a bit of a doozy so you're totally free to ignore it if you want, but thoughts on the mercs and their interests in bondage and/or bdsm? Ropes, gags, chains, blindfolds, stuff like that.
I’ve touched on dom/sub dynamics in a few different posts so for this one I’ll stick to bondage
NSFW under the cut
All tied up
Scout: someone please gag him!!! I think he would like being tied up because being immobilized is not something he usually experiences if that makes sense. Like he is constantly on the move and even if someone grabs him he’s very good at squirming away so being in a position where he’s completely unable to escape is 🥵. Idk how good he’d be at tying you up though bc I feel like he has a hard time with knots. Couldn’t even tie his shoes until he was like 12
Soldier: someone gag this one too. No need for a blindfold, his helmet basically does that for him. He would be good at tying you up bc he learned lots of knots in the army (before they kicked him out)
Pyro: likes being tied up! The pressure is nice. Definitely likes being suspended from the ceiling lol they would have so much fun swinging around. Also good at tying you up. I feel like they could get really into complicated beautiful shibari stuff
Demo: claims he wouldn’t mind being tied up but then complains that he can’t touch you. Actually knows a thing or two about knots so he can tie you up pretty effectively, but then complains that you can’t touch him lmao. I think the ideal for him would be some sort of harness where the hands are still free
Heavy: good luck tying him up. He will simply break free. Or so he says. In reality if you ask nicely he will let you tie him up but he will insist that you make the knots tighter. Doesn’t really want to tie you up because it just seems like a waste of time. If he wanted to immobilize you he could easily do so with just his hands
Engie: Another guy I think would be good at tying you up. Definitely knows a lot of cool knots and gets very engrossed in the whole process. Honestly I’m torn on whether he would like being tied up or not. I have this idea that he’s a little claustrophobic and being restricted like that might trigger it
Medic: Hell yeah. Big fan of medical restraints obviously. Would really love strapping you down to his operating table or vise versa. I also think he would really like being blindfolded. Like knowing that you could be anywhere and do anything to him and he wouldn’t see it coming makes him all giggly
Sniper: I think if you tied him up he’d genuinely panic like a cat that got put in its crate to go to the vet. He’d start chewing the ropes and shit. I think a collar or something would work best for him (I’m barking. Or I guess he’s barking). If you wanna be tied up he’s plenty willing to do it but I don’t think it’s something he’d think of on his own
Spy: I’ve said it before but his ass loves beautiful and intricate shibari. Anything pretty looking is up his alley. He doesn’t even care about the restraint aspect that’s just a cool bonus to him
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Hey guys, pausing my little hiatus to say that I finally got around to posting the engie fic on my ao3 (here). Also I may or may not have a speeding bullet fic in the works… I guess it’s time for my 2 days out of the month where I’m inspired to actually write lmao. Expect some more delicious sludge incoming :)
something something Scout being the first yet youngest of his siblings to die. is this something.
Pain!!!! I agree that this is probably true and it fucks with his brothers so bad because what do you mean the one guy who was supposed to outlive us is gone already?
Alternatively I like the idea of scout having a sibling who died young and he knows how badly it fucked up his family and he hates that one day he’s probably going to do that to them too
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puppy scout is my new most favorite thing. Consider: sniper acting exhausted and absolutely done with scout and scout being ouppy and then sigh. They are in love so much probably. Now I'm just thinking about sniper scout puppy play. Look what you've done. -🎯
They’re literally that tweet that’s like
Scout: whatcha doin? :3
Sniper: working
Scout: wehh I’m ouppy :3
Sniper: dude can you shut up
But yes they are very in love about it. I very much like the idea of scout going totally braindead puppy mode and sniper pretending that he doesn’t like it when internally he’s like “fuck he’s so cute what the fuck”
gamechangershow
romaincrisis
theartofmadeline