Albert Bierstadt (American, 1830–1902), "Puget Sound on the Pacific Coast" (detail), 1870

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Not today Justin
i don't do bad sauce passes
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I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
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noise dept.
dirt enthusiast

祝日 / Permanent Vacation

Kiana Khansmith
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we're not kids anymore.
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trying on a metaphor
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me

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Albert Bierstadt (American, 1830–1902), "Puget Sound on the Pacific Coast" (detail), 1870

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The Death of Sappho (1873) by Gustave Moreau
how’s housesitting going?
I gave up. The ladybugs won

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Does anyone want to sit behind me and brush my hair?
please don't be mean to me bc i can be meaner and i hate being mean

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how pathetic of me to pray to god through gritted teeth and the taste of my tears on my tongue.
i’m not religious.
it’s a last ditch effort.
praying for the pain to stop or for you to come back.
i don’t care which i just need one.
There’s something so delicate about the thought of my mother being a young 27 year old woman and picking out baby items for her daughter.
How was she to know the teddy bear will be loved as long as I am alive? She couldn’t. But she knew I’d love it for as long as I need to.
The conscious choice she made to walk past that same shop for over a year after my birth, ensuring they still had that teddy for fear of me ever losing it.
I wonder what she was thinking about when she found this teddy. I wonder what she felt.
A mothers love is so delicate and so fierce it truly is beautiful.
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guilty because i put up a boundary. guilty because i enforced it. i want to eat my own fist. hate the whole of it.
i tell my therapist that i don't really feel like i need boundaries. i say i am comfortable with most things; i'll figure it out as i go along. she says: that's a fawn response. i laugh about it, because it's either laugh about it or do something about it.
the thing is that once i like someone, i'll forgive them for anything. they don't even have to apologize for it. they could step over each of my desires and take all my teeth. it might take me a little while, but i'd get over it. i'd say: oh, she was having a hard day, and didn't realize i was serious about my safety. i'd say: he's always had anger issues, i feel bad that he hasn't been responding well to therapy. i'd say: you know, it kind of isn't fair of me to expect them to know i don't want to get hurt, i should have been more clear and repeated what i wanted.
i tell other people i'm easy-going. sometimes i get called good natured or happy-go-lucky. i am not able to list traits that i like about myself without mentioning how i help other people. i let people desiccate me and then i say - well, as long as they're happy.
i have been a bad person, is the thing. when i was really sick. and honestly sometimes even when i was doing better. i've hurt other people, and i don't want other people to hurt the way i did. i only have friends because others have forgiven me for the wrong i have done. i only have gotten this far because someone else gave me patience, and kindness, and help.
so it's not fair of me to set a boundary, ever. plus, if i set one and it is broken - that just hurts. and when someone crosses that line i drew, i have to take an action in response. i have to kick someone out of my life (as if i have so many other options) or i have to confront them about it (as if that doesn't make me cry) or. if i take the easy route: i have to simply accept that it happened and internalize it and move on; let it go without a fight.
i can't control, after all, how other people react to my boundaries. they probably are unfair boundaries anyway. it's easier if i just control how i react to the pain - if i just ignore it, and hope it goes away. no need to blow this out of proportion. no need to make a fuss. this way all the hurt stays inside of me, and doesn't slip out and get into anyone. this way is better, right.
who cares what it does to me.