Coffee n tears

If i wanna lose so much weight to look androgynous, if i hate having tiddies and it makes me anxious and sad, if i wanna look like a boy most of the time but still wanna look like a girl sometimes, if i want people to use other pronouns than she, if i'm often thinking of another, less feminine name, if i hesitate to buy a binder, if i have body dysphoria

Maybe it's not just bc i have an ed, not bc i'm fucked up, not bc i'm a faking bitch feeling this for attention (lmao the logic here)

It's because i'm non binary :)

(i'm simultaneously happy to figure this out and to finally put words on it, but scared of enbyphobia, transphobia, feeling invalid/à fraud, and sad bc it's a main reason why i'm stuck into my ed but this time it's not a temporary thing)

Everyone : *happy bc Christmas holidays are in a few weeks*

Me : *crippling anxiety bc I'll have to spend it with my parents and won't be able to eat <500 cals /day without them noticing my relapse*

During the holidays

Everyone : *enjoying the holidays, treating themselves with wonderful Christmas food*

Me : *constant mental breakdown, unable to enjoy spending time with loved ones, can't eat the delicious food without being on the verge of tears*

After the holidays

Everyone : *happy bc they've spent a good time, having gained a few pounds isn't really an issue*

Me : *relieved bc I can go back to starve and punishing myself for having gained a few pounds, and hating myself bc I couldn't enjoy Christmas this year again*

I was naked in front of the mirror, disgusted by how large my chest was. I was squeezing my torso to see how much fat I had and how I'd look if I'd lose it.

And then I realized I didn't have any fat left there. What was too large for my ed was my ribcage. I was a fucking skeleton trying to get skinnier and even bones seemed too much.

I'm such a fool

I managed to do it for 2 weeks without bingeing tho (which I'm kinda proud of btw!), but I've quickly cut out my breakfast and decreased my dinner to <200 cals on the 2nd week (so I was eating ~500cals/day)

I felt overwhelmed by the idea of eating nearly 1000cals bc I don't workout and always think I don't need/deserve that much food.

And tbh I don't see any changes in the mirror neither in my clothes so I thought I should speed up my weight loss

BUT I've binged on Friday evening of my 3rd week and ate the leftovers of this binge the next day too

Then I kept my meal plan for the following week, but kept it at ~500cals instead of 1000. And yesterday I had to buy chips and beers bc I was spending the night with a friend at their place. I knew when I was going to the store that I would buy binge foods and would eat it before seeing them.

I ate too much and was really guilty and depressed, and also ate too much at their place. And today I went back at my place and ate some cookies I bought for the binge.

So basically I'm a piece of shit rn. All my restriction of the 4th week has been vain bc I ate more than the amount I restricted for 7 fucking days.

Next week I'm planning on eating under 500cals/day every day and I CAN'T binge on my 5th weekend I really need to have some self control.

I need to lose 10kg by the end of January 2021. I need to workout. I need to stop bingeing. I need to eat whole foods. I need to allow myself low cal treats without eating the whole grocery store.

It's low in fat and sugar, budget friendly (less than 30€/week), meal prepped

I eat less than 1000cals/day so this makes room for when I see my friends and it wasn't planned (it's beers mostly lmao)

Breakfast (20-200 cals)

I usually don't have time and just drink a coffee with milk but sometimes I make oats :

50g oats, 60ml milk, cinnamon, stevia (200)

Lunch (400)

I make my lunches in advance (usually 2 days the night before) so it's ready in the morning and I don't have excuses like "oh I don't have time to prepare lunch I'll just eat at the cantine"

1 portion (200cals) of protein rich carbs : lentils, quinoa or red beans

1 portion (140cals) of protein : 2 eggs, chicken, tofu, tuna, soja meat

1 portion (60cals) of seasonal veggies of choice

Plenty of water, black coffee and tea throughout the day

Dinner (200-400)

I'm lazy and don't feel like cooking dinner and next lunches the evening bc I get home late, so I usually eat something light and convenient

Soup, fresh or canned veggies, fruits, pre-made meals or salads

If I crave something sweet, instead of buying and eating a whole cereal box or several cookies packs like I used to do, i now force myself to eat tangerines, oatmeal or chocolate covered rice cakes (they're 60 cals each), and drink coffee or tea with sweetener and have a piece of gum

I'm not ready to buy sweet/fatty/junk foods again bc I know I'll eat it in 1 sitting, so I stay away from it for now

If I'm really hungry, really craving something or feeling weak, I choose to eat!! I know eating more once or twice a week won't be as bad as restricting too low and then having huge binges! It's way worst to starve and binge bc y'all know it's a never ending hell

And eating 1000 cals/day will definitely make you lose weight (it's already a low intake), and it will be easier to keep it going

I've finally decided to increase my planned intake! I was used to plan 400cals/day and always ended having massive binges multiples times per week

I've made a 1000cals/day planning for a week and didn't binge once!! I haven't succeed to maintain a realistic meal plan without bingeing for months!

I'm so proud rn, I should lose 10kg by the end of January by keeping it on, I really hope I'll be able to do it!

Idk I feel like a fraud for gaining instead of losing and I can't go on ed tumblr bc i'm not worth it and everyone will see it if I'm connected lmaoo wth

Every time I see a very skinny person (like they could be bonespo and seem to have a bmi <14), I wonder.

Do they suffer from an ed like me ?

Are they upset of seeing /smelling food when walking in the city like me ?

Is their life a mess regulated by restriction, thinking about food/calories and how to avoid events like me ?

Do they hate their body to the point of slowly killing it like me ?

I'm jealous bc I want their skinny, bony, sick body.