Smash_leyL

I've been going to the doctor to try to figure out what is going on with me. Waiting on some test results. Got my anxiety meds upped a little which is awesome (well not while they are trying to normalize.....fun side effect of upping your dosage is more ANXIETY). Anyyywho.... I have had this feeling ever since coming out of quarantine of not being content with my job. Not because I don't like it, because I do. Don't get me wrong, anytime you work in service you are going to get burnt out. BUT I feel like I desire to do something and be passionate about it...but it has been incredibly frustrating to not know what that is. It used to be opening a coffee shop and who knows maybe it still is. I have debt to pay off and getting more in debt is not going to make that dream happen. I want to do something with people. Something that is helping people....because lets be honest thats what I am best at...IM A TWO!

Idealy i'd want to be a service to people, using my skills to get something done, being an avenue for people to use their skills... UHHH I WISH I KNEW WHAT IT WAS ANY IDEAS LET ME KNOW PLEASE. Because I can't make this voice go quiet telling me to lean into what it is. I want to lean into it and explore and expand but I don't know what it is and i also have to be a responsible adult........but being that responsible isn't bringing me that much joy at the moment.

I am okay. Some moments I don't feel okay but I just push through them and remind myself to be patient. This girl is just tired and wants to bring some more joy into my life. Maybe even start a family...I DON'T FREAKING KNOW BUT I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW.

While listening to this song. Sitting next to my boyfriend and dog. Missing my cousins and thinking about how different parts of me are brought out differently when I’m with them vs how others are brought up when I am with my best friend , who I also miss. How do I love doing nothing with these people, but I love being busy with someone else, what is it a juxtaposition called my soul?

You know that pull of your soul when you are with all of your different people. Some people who bring a certain part of your soul out that you bring out the most by them: the way you feel with them, how you interact with them, the jokes you have with them, the loudness of your voice with them, what you desire the most in that moment.

Take that and put it in different scenarios with a different group of your people.

Look at the difference in the way you feel with them, how you interact with them, the jokes you have with them, the loudness of your voice with them, what you desire in that moment.

Take those in to account with everyone who your souls guides too, to those you miss, to those you love, to those you you are saddened for, etc.

For the single purpose of understanding my wholeness and not feeling devided I think about how every difference between those people and how they make my soul respond- they each make up my soul and the perfect combination of how I take in all of these people, these places, and these feelings.

Hey there! My name is Ashley Lightfoot most of my friends call me Smash and only some people can get away with calling me Ash. I am 25 I live in Charlotte, NC. I love all things coffee, except for coffee flavored ice cream. I love people very much and have the tendency to put everyone imaginable in front of myself. Within the past year I have actually started making steps to take care of myself and put myself first no matter what. I am a 2 on the enneagram. like a hardcore 2. I like to read when i’m in the mood. I’ve enjoyed cooking since i was a kid. I love my family.  I have two brothers that I am 20 years older than. I have a wonderful supportive boyfriend. I have a great sense of humor and I 100% believe i am hilarious. I have anxiety and depression that I take medication for. I try to be as honest as possible. I do hand lettering for fun and sometimes for money. I like hiking when its’ not 10000 degrees outside. I love live music. I love God. I LOVE SUSHI like a LOT! I’ve worn glasses my whole life. I have three tattoos. uhhh.....i cant think of anything else. 

This morning I got to drink some coffee and go sit on the back porch with a blanket and the pup. I was reading in the devotional SAVOR by Shauna Niquiest and I did two days worth this morning because of the way they went together. AND BECAUSE I CAN.

THINGS I DO: an overview taken from my journaling. 

“Love your neighbor as yourself” Matthew 22:36-39 

I have to love myself before I can love others well or to full capacity. 

List what I do:  Intentional, a good listener, sympathetic, show love by cooking, notes, listening. I draw, do lettering, journal, and listen to music.

What do  I feel called and committed to do this season of my life? 

Love Myself by :

Health (working out, eating healthy, and just taking care of my body)

Spending time alone every day,

 tuning into my heart (journaling, scripture, reading, praying) 

Being crafty.

Being there for the people closest to me. 

Being more in touch with my feelings and expressing them. 

Things I don’t Do: 

“one thing I do: forgetting what s behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ” -Phil. 3:13-14

“I do not spend time with people who routinely make me feel like less than I am.”

What things could you intentionally leave undone so that you can focus more deeply on the things you feel called too and passionate about?

no more letting the worry/fear of others ideas/opinions dictate what i do and how i respond.

less social Media

no more trying to be anything other than me

worry & fear