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@sleepystonervibes
i don’t know how i feel so fucking alone still when i have someone in my life who loves me unconditionally like what the fuck is happening and why does it feel like there is no one who’d care if i died for any reason besides that i couldn’t help them anymore.
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php sucks and i want to quit
i used to be so hot in college and i want to get back to that place so badly
perhaps i’ll blow up my life and relapse. could be fun
And then you can’t even say shit about bc people start trying to put you in a jacket and shit. Like omg it’s so strict???
i’m not dead (yet)
i’m going back to php if they deem me medically stable enough
they fucking better because i’m not down for res
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starting to think i need to go back to res. the problem with that is that i said id never go back. besides, who would watch my cats? how would i pay for it with my not so great insurance? i dont want to leave my gf either…and i know if i go it’s gonna be renfrew this time. and that’s terrifying. but i said i wouldn’t go back until they had to admit me to acute. and once a day is not acute level shit. maybe 15 times a day was, with my wacky EKGs and 8 weeks without chewing and whatnot. but once a day is nothing. that’s barely scratching the itch.
i don’t know what to do anymore.
just ate an orange… no scurvy for me thank you… #NoScurvy
fun phenomenon
I think if you want to understand bigotry against aromantics, I have a good case study. Let me talk a little about my dad's family.
My dad has 4 half siblings and two step siblings. They're all a decent bit younger than him. When I was a teenager, we went to a family reunion, and I realized something—my dad did not respect his siblings. He looked down on all of them. He saw them as fuck-ups and overgrown children. My dad had the American dream: well paying management job, suburban house, wife, and three kids. My aunt and uncles did not. Excluding my aunt, none of them were married or in serious relationships. They hadn't really settled into long term careers. Several of them were working the kind of jobs that get called "Unskilled labor." So he looked down on them because the youngest one was in his thirties (and several were much older), and yet none of them had "settled down" into what he saw as lifelong, permanent careers and relationships and lives. He was polite to their faces, sure, but I heard how he talked about them behind their backs, to my mother.
And then a few years ago, we visited his brothers again for Thanksgiving. And I realized something again--he respected them now. He saw them as equals. Why? Well. All of a sudden, every single one of them had serious, committed romantic partners. They didn't even need to still be with those partners—one of my uncle's fiance passed away from cancer before they could marry—just having had one showed that they matured into a real adult participating in society. In fact, at one point, my aunt was telling my mom about how one of my uncles was no longer living in an apartment she owned, but instead, after having a steady girlfriend for about a year, he moved in with her. And my mom literally said to my aunt, "wow. Look at that. He finally grew up."
One of the lines that frequently gets repeated about anti-aspec sentiment is "why would anyone hate asexuals/aromantics/etc? They aren't even doing anything." And that's exactly it. In the eyes of amatonormative culture, we aren't doing anything. Adults are supposed to do things. That's how you become a member of society.
I know that my father will never see me as a successful adult. He will never approve of my life. And I think most people would assume that that's because I'm trans. And don't get me wrong, he sure as shit doesn't like or respect that, but I do think if given enough time, he would get used to it. He would eventually realize that it isn't going away. And if I settled down with a spouse and a respectful job and a few kids, he could see me as a successful adult that he could be proud of anyway. But of course, that's not going to happen. Because I'm aromantic. So I'm never going to do that one thing that signifies that his job is complete, and I'm officially a full-fledged adult. I will perpetually be that fuck-up kid who won't settle down. In my personal case, that's okay. My dad is a conservative piece of shit, and if he doesn't approve of you, that just means you're doing something right. But on a societal level? This kind of attitude is a massive problem. Aromantics deserve to be treated like adults, and to feel like the accomplished adults that they are. We should feel like we belong in society.
im in actual disbelief that this just happened while i was writing down this joke to remember later
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You know, there's this cliché that teenage boys always eat massive amounts, but teenage girls really aren't that different if they're not suppressed by diet culture and body shaming. Like, I was a teenage girl who frankly just stopped bothering to fit into mainstream beauty ideals at some point, and I would regularly make myself just one big massive pot of pasta and devour it completely. This wasn't even stress eating or anything, I just genuinely needed the energy because you know, I was a teenager and my body was developing. I feel like so many teenage girls think they need to eat as little as possible to be petite and pretty, but the truth is that your body is developing just as intensely as teenage boys' bodies. Eat more, please, your body needs it.
Yesterday my little brother told me something very sweet and touching, that when he was a kid and had nightmares about monsters chasing him or whatever he would be able to end the nightmare by finding me in the dream and I would protect him by fighting off the zombies, or carrying him away. This is adorable, and makes me feel like the greatest older sibling in the world, but the hilarious thing is that when I was a kid I had nightmares of needing to save him from zombies and such. so many dreams where he was in trouble and I needed to save him. Like my nightmares began where his ended. Low key I think he mastered the ability to psychically transfer his nightmare to me as a child and I'm kind of annoyed with him.
mmmmmmm happy pride bitches i love being gay
anyway. onto better things
onto better things thursday
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i’m so anxious i need an ativan that will hit immediately (i know how to make it do that, but that’s drug abuse)
i wish i was born lovable
