β οΈWarning, another vent post.β οΈ
Ik this is like, my fifth or more vent post, but I need to let it out somewhere.
I keep falling back to square one. Like, I would almost heal, and then my parents talk to me, and I'm back to crying and relapsing again.
I'm just exhausted, I feel alone. Like alone alone. I dont feel safe enough with my mother, as for my dad, he's barely at home.
School also feels like a chore now, I used to somewhat love it but, studying is a chore, socialising is a chore. Im starting to hate everything. Everything feels fake, feels simulated almost. Like I want real warmth, I want someone who I can actually trust, like genuinely, and just cry in their arms all night. Yk? I dont feel comfortable nor safe enough to do that w family or friends. So atp I feel stuck, like, stuck in a loophole I cant escape unless it is death. It feels like a cruel fucking joke. And I want to die, of course I do, I always do, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what will happen after. What if I survive? What if I suffer more after that? And I dont want to leave mh stuff behind. My pets. I want to live, but it's a so so so exhausting, so exhausting tht I feel so drained, so numb, so in pain, and there is no cure. It's cruel. It's fucking agonising too. Idl how much longer I can do this withour breaking. Without causing harm in some way, either to others or myself. Talking to a counselor doesn't help. I dont know why I act this way, why I cant give ways to others. Why I'm so bothered by a slight change in my routine, it shouldnt be a big deal, it never is, but it does to me. Why I'm so fucking possessive of my stuff and why I get mad when ppl take it. Why I'm bothered by a presence, even though they are my family, my blood, I feel like they are a stranger to me. A stranger I am forced to tolerate, forced to be kind too. And it's what I should do, but why do I hate doing the right thing? I feel like a freak, like something is wrong with the way I think, the way I act, yet I cant change it, its impulsive. I want to cry, but I keep chocking. I want to scream, but I dont want to be loud. I want to be seen, yet I hate the attention and push it away until they leave, and then I crave it again. Oh how fragile my pride is, how wrathful I am to my own family, how egoistic I am. I am aware, of course I am. But I dont seem to do anything to change it. Because change scares me. It makes me feel afraid, as if I'm losing control. And I hate it.. I fucking DESPISE it. I hate being alone yet I crave it. I hate touch yet I crave it. I feel lile I'm slowly losing my mind even though my situation isnt even serious compared to others. I feel pathetic, weak, exhausted and tired of life. I want to kill, I want to harm, but I cant. And I'm afraid I might. Be it with words or weapon.
And even now, I hope no one sees this. But this is my only way to let smth out. The notes doesnt help me anymore, it doesn't feel right. Because here, there is a possibility for me to get attention, but I hate the attention, but I want it. And it's embarrassing to admit, to admit I need help, that I'm weak, that Im clueless on how to fix this. And if you do read this, I dont know why you would, I hope you dont pity me or feel sympathy. I'm sure I'm overreacting, at least I think I am. I dont even know anything anymore...
