A submissive's little instruction book

1. Rules give structure which is very comforting to a submissive mind. To be able to see what is expected, and what is forbidden, allows a little girl to navigate the relationship easily, and with less stress. 

2. Rules remind a submissive who is in charge. Whether she is obeying them, or breaking them, Daddy put them there, and she is reminded that every time she navigates around them, or takes one off the shelf and breaks it. 

3. Rules are useful tools to improve your submissive’s life, and make her a better person. Don’t like that she keeps a messy room? Make a rule that changes that. Don’t like that she eats sweets before bed, and that it makes it hard for her to fall asleep? It must be rule time. Rules help Dominants take care of their littles, because we can’t expect them to take care of themselves all the time.

I recently asked my Instagram followers to send in their reasons for using a pacifier, and they certainly delivered! Here is everything they came up with:

(Some of these things may be triggering topics, as they involve mental health and various disorders. Read at your own discretion.)

Mental

to ease anxiety

to avoid the urge to using negative coping skills

to cope with the mental effects of getting bullied

to calm down

to help feel “smaller”

to have the comfort one missed out on as a child

to soothe and distract from panic attacks

to help with separation anxiety

to help focus on work

to feel cute

because of the happiness it brings

to help with the symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

to help with the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

to help with the effects of overstimulation due to Autism Spectrum Disorder

to prevent and ease tics due to Tourette’s Syndrome 

something to focus on instead of hallucinations 

to feel safe and relaxed

to calm down after a meltdown or breakdown

to cope with trauma

to enjoy the feeling

Physical

to ease the effects of teeth grinding

prevent nail biting

an alternative to chewing on other objects

to fall asleep

to distract from skin picking

to help prevent chewing the insides of cheeks and lips

to prevent thumb sucking

to prevent hand chewing

because they are nice to look at

to healthily oral self stimulate

to give one’s mouth “something to do,” as needed with an oral fixation

liking the back and forth motion

to keep breathing steady

to help prevent binge eating

to not talk as much

to help avoid smoking cigarettes

to prevent snoring

to ease the pain from a tight retainer

to prevent painfully biting down on one’s teeth

to ease gum pain

to help with Pica

to help with wisdom teeth (the person did not specify what exactly, but I’m assuming they mean pain)

Some followers as well as a few others in the BDSM community have asked me a few times about how I come up with rules within my relationships. So I figured I would write some of how the process works for me, as well as some examples of rules. Now please keep in mind that within any relationship, or dynamic the biggest part of all of it is communication. You need to talk with your partner, and together figure out what works for you, and what doesn’t. Rules should be reviewed over time. They can and should be changed if they aren’t working for you. Sometimes they may even be tossed out the window entirely. But all of that needs to be talked about between you and your partner.

So now on to how I do things. When ever I am with a partner and we have gotten to the point of making rules I always try to take a few things into account.

1. What kind of time constraints do they have on their daily lives? I never want to make a rule that will cause more stress, or negatively impact someone’s day to day life. Do they have a busy work/school schedule? Do they have children? Do they have major recurring appointments?

2. What are the persons hard limits? What are their soft limits? Both of these have to come into play when making rules, you cannot in good faith put someone you care about in a situation that forces them into a scenario that will cause physical or psychological harm.

3. What are the Submissives health constraints, this is both mentally, and physically. Again you cannot ask someone to do advanced calculus if they don’t have that skill set, and you cannot ask someone to kneel if they have a broken leg. Think about not only what their kink limits are, but the health constraints. You are their protector, and guide, and in this you cannot fail them.

Types of rules

1. Goal oriented rules - What are the Submissives goals? And I am not just referring to how they grow as a submissive but as a person. Do they want to loose weight? Do they want to be more proficient with a certain skill or language? Do they want to eat healthier? Examples: Submissive must remember to eat three meals a day, and drink X amount of water. Submissive must work out X amount of times a week. Submissive must read to Dom X times a week.

2. Psychological rules - Are there certain behaviors that you both want to change? Are there certain words or phrases that you both want to put a stop to? Does the Submissive want to be better at speaking in front of others? Does the Submissive want to be better about time management, or staying on top of deadlines? Examples – Submissive must not say “whatever” to Dom, Submissive must read to Dom X times each week, Submissive must share major Deadlines with Dom so that they can help set reminders for them.

3. Finally we get to the kinky rules. Those fun rules like no playing without permission, no orgasms on certain days, no underwear on date nights, etc.

Punishments

1. Punishments must be agreed upon by both parties. Again you cannot give a punishment that crosses and soft or hard limit.

2. Ignoring your Submissive is not a punishment, and is unacceptable. There are a million other ways to correct someone’s behavior that does not include ignoring them.

3. The punishment must fit the “crime” If your submissive forgets to say please or thank you, that doesn’t mean you go straight to whipping them. Likewise the punishment needs to take into account the Submissives schedule. Giving them 100 lines to write when they have no time to actually do that only sets them up to fail. And yes I know some people will say “they need to make the time!” Guess what, part of your role as their Dom is to take that into account.

Rewards

I did not write this article but have kept it with me for a very long time because it means so much to me. I hope you enjoy it and see submission, and why people choose this lifestyle in a whole new light.

Why she wants to be a submissive - The Importance of Submission

In my conversations with submissive women, one thing stands out prominently and that is very few men realize the importance that submission holds for her.   It is far more than a physical experience, it is an emotional connection with you so meaningful that it contains her very soul.   Though d/s is often very light and spontaneous and sometimes treated as a special sensual playtime, for her it is what is most real in her life.   It is NOT a game.   To treat it as such is to do her a great injustice for it trivializes her greatest expression of love.

Not all women want to be a 24/7 slavegirl.   This manual is written for to the man luckily enough to have found a woman who does.   In it I will try and express as many of her submissive feelings as I can and to give you ideas on how to treat her so she feels that being your slave is an intrinsic and natural part of her daily life with you, just as much as it has already been an intrinsic element of her being.

Submission is Erotic

Before I get lost in some of the reasons why being submissive is such a powerful desire, I want to make the point that being submissive is extremely erotic.   It touches her sexuality in the most powerful way and when combined with all the mental, emotional and physical aspects of a relationship, it can often be the most sexually intense and emotionally fulfilling experience a woman can ever have.   In fact, many women have confided in me that they are afraid of the intensity of their sexual energy.   They fear they should they reveal the full extent of their sexual excitement at being a slavegirl they will not be understood.   Often, the smallest of looks or commands will leave them drenched with sexual excitement.   As her Master, it should be your pleasure to extract each nuance of sexual pleasure from her.

When she gives herself to you completely, she is also giving you the freedom to explore the depths of her sexuality and passion, to take her places she cannot go herself, to have experiences she probably cannot ask for.   She is depending on you, her Master, to give her the push to get beyond any resistance you may encounter.

Getting past resistance is where your strength and understanding as a Dom is essential.   If you back off instead of encouraging her onward (by spank or by praise) she will not be able to explore the depths of herself.   She needs your unconditional love and support to feel safe to go where she cannot go alone.   As you sexually open her body to you, you are also opening her heart and soul.

Though changing rapidly, most women have been raised to be ashamed of their sexual feelings.   Being with a Dom who treasures a woman’s natural sexuality enough to go far beyond where most stop is an extremely liberating experience for her.   It also touches upon her desire to be able to reveal herself as she truly is as you help her by removing her falsely imposed conditioning.   Even if she cannot ask, it is important to understand that the sub *wants* to overcome her resistance as much as the Dom wants her to.

As your relationship grows and she becomes more comfortable and trusting in her knowledge that you understand her feelings, she will find it easier to admit certain sexual desires to you.   From time to time, have her tell you a “secret” fantasy of hers, or give her the assignment of writing you a short fantasy.   It’s often easier to put something in writing than to have to say it verbally…

Another way you can free her sexuality is to have her admit to you how exciting a certain activity is for her.   If you are giving her an erotic spanking, have her tell you how much she loves it.   “Begging” can also be a way to encourage her to express herself.   If you suspect she enjoys anal play more than she can admit, hold the bottom plug against her opening but don’t insert it until she “begs” you to have it slipped inside her.   In this way you are “forcing” her to make an admission she probably wants to make, but is too embarrassed to share with you on her own.

Being Taken Care of

“I always found the d/s articles to be the most exciting.   I found the men - their strength and command - highly erotic.   I thought that being that “taken care of” must have been the most wonderful thing in the world.   The Doms I talk to are forever asking me about this, I always tell them it’s not the ritual (though I like the ritual) or the punishment that I’m looking for, it’s the freedom to not have to be in control, to not have responsibility.   I guess that’s because, in most of my social circles, I’m the person who’s expected to have all the answers.“

A woman wants a man to be strong and to protect and watch over her.   She wants to be able to relax in the safety of his arms and the world that he creates for her.   If you can do that for a woman, you will see something inside her blossom and grow, and you will marvel at the treasure you have discovered that was always inside her but which she never felt safe to reveal, so afraid was she that it would not be appreciated for the incredible gift which it is.

Knowing she has your Love and Care and Attention

Part of her feeling of being taken care of by you is knowing that she has certain rules and limits for herself.   If she disobeys them, she expects to be disciplined.   When you are correcting her behavior by a punishment of some kind, several things are happening.   The first is that you care enough for her to correct her.   It is proof to her that she has your attention and you are watching over her, making sure she does what is best for herself.

If it was a task or command of your own that she disobeyed, then your punishment leaves no doubt in her mind that she must obey you and that allows her to feel secure in her submission to you.   If you set rules for her then never check to see they are followed, your message to her is that she is not worth the effort it takes to see that she has obeyed.   You are unconsciously saying she does not deserve your attention.   This lack of attention may touch many emotions in her going back to her childhood years…

This is an area where the formality of the d/s roles can enhance a relationship in incredible ways.   As the Dom, you want your rules obeyed and she wants to obey them and be recognized for her desire to please you.   If she “overlooks” a rule it is often a test to see if you care enough to catch it, and for you it is an opportunity to show her that she will not be allowed to get away with anything.   The stricter you are in supervising her, the more she will feel your attention and the happier she will be.

Stripping away the Pretenses

“The real experience, seems to me to be when the Dom and the sub (each in his or her own way) reveal themselves to each other completely with total trust that they will be accepted EXACTLY where they are at.   We do not have the right to expect our person to admire every single trait of ours, but we do have a right to unconditional love.   “We can find people who are pretending they are someone other than who they are anywhere, the whole point of d/s is to strip away the pretense, the little secrets about ourselves that we are convinced that nobody could ever love us if they knew about.”

The following short exchange that may give you a better idea of how the exchange of power and her trust in you lets you find her true essence:

Me:   It’s all an exchange of power.   The sub has lots of control, but the thrill is in giving that up in order to go new places inside herself. Her:   Honestly…   I don’t believe that in good d/s relationship that the sub is in control.   My Master taught me that he could make me want things that I swore, initially that I had no interest in wanting.   He really did control me, because he found the me I couldn’t always find myself.

A Transition to the other side of Oneself

One marvelous aspect of submission is that it is a wonderful way to escape from yourself.   The transition to that other side of your personality can be very exciting and sometimes difficult, but that’s part of the thrill.   During the day different aspects of our personality come into the forefront as we move from one role to another.   For example, there may be a big difference in one’s personality at work as compared to home.   Keeping up these roles requires a large amount of psychic energy which over time can become exhausted.   On of the great attractions to d/s is this balancing of energy by experiencing the opposite role.

At work, your sub may be very powerful and dominant and carrying a great deal of responsibility.   Being a mother at home is tremendously demanding and requires a great deal of energy in caring for and supervising the children.   If she has spent her day instructing and inspecting others, she may crave the transition from that position of authority to one of servitude.   When she can become your slavegirl, she gets a relaxing respite from the stresses of her life.   She can renew herself by once again becoming a little girl who is loved and looked after.   Instead of having to cope with the stress of making decisions she can surrender to you and do exactly as she is told knowing she is safe in your care.

Being a Master

If you truly want to be a Master, you will do everything in your power to enable your woman to be who she really is, and that is a woman full of love and sensuality and passion and who wants nothing more than to be free and safe enough to show you the full extent of it.   Few men deserve the title of Master and part of what it takes is a true love of women and an appreciation of their intelligence, sensuality and passion for life, and then to have the strength and confidence to bring out the best in her.   Please, if you love her, make her life as your slave as complete and as real as you can.

She cannot be Submissive if you are not Dominant

One thing of PARAMOUNT importance is that your slavegirl feel that she is truly being controlled and is acting on *your* commands, and is subject to *your* whims.   If she feels your actions are for her alone, she will feel in control of the situation and this is exactly what she does NOT want to feel.   In order for her to be submissive, YOU must be in charge of her in a very real and definite way.   Remember that this manual is written for the sub who wants her submission to be a daily part of her life and the more she feels she is under your control and care, the happier a slavegirl she will be.   It is very confusing for her if your control is just within the context of a scene and does not carry over into the rest of your relationship.   It will help if you think of your control as being an integral part of your relationship rather than an “imposition” on her.   The more you see her enthusiasm and gratitude in response to your actions, the easier it will become for you.

Never forget that her desire to please her Master is an essential element of her submission.   Though you both know she loves to have the experiences you are giving her, she MUST feel that it’s for your pleasure equally, if not more than her own.   Being submissive is her gift to you, a way of pleasing you as completely as possible.   If she thinks your control of her is only for *her*, it just doesn’t work.   She wants to be your slave, to feel she has no choice in what she is subjected to and this REALITY regarding her submission is tremendously thrilling for her.

Recognizing her efforts to Please

“The most "protected and cared for” I ever felt was when my Dom called me “princess” (I wonder if that is something going back to childhood…)“   If there is one single-most favorite phrase a submissive woman wants to hear, it is "Good Girl”. She wants and needs to have her efforts to please you acknowledged.   It is very difficult for men to understand that pleasing the man she loves is to her one of the greatest pleasures in her life.   It is an emotional fulfillment so deep that it goes far beyond any sexual expression.   By giving her your praise as frequently as possible you are confirming that you recognize and appreciate her for who she is and for the love she has to give you.

Difficulty in Asking

You must take the initiative with her.   If she has to “ask” you to control her, it once again puts her in charge and does not allow her to feel submissive.   As a Master, you get to indulge yourself in what *you* want! Give yourself permission to act on your whim of the moment.   Believe me, to a sub, this is when it all becomes very real and meaningful to her.   There will be no doubt in her mind that you want her for *yourself* and whether or not she enjoys it is secondary.   Only in this way can she feel that she truly belongs to you and is there to serve you.   If you are going to experiment in taking charge, err on the side of being more controlling than less.   I can’t tell you how many women I have complained that their Masters don’t give them the control and supervision they crave.   Remember, your control is a demonstration of taking care of her and your discipline is proof that you are paying attention and will insist she does what is best for herself.

How to make her feel Owned

The feeling of being owned is one of the most secure and desired feelings a sub can have.   She wants to be reminded at all times that you are in control of her and that she is safe and watched over under your command.   She *wants* you to be strong for her, so she can grow under your care and guidance.   Think for a moment of the potential your relationship with a woman who loves and trusts you so much that she wants to be *owned* by you…   What closer bond can you have?

There are many ways to make her feel that she belongs to you and I will share with you some of my favorites.   Ask her often, “Who do you belong to?”   Not only does this strengthen the depth of your relationship but many women have told me it is very erotic for them to be told to touch and name different parts of their body and then tell you it belongs to you.

Here’s a quote that will make this clearer:   “Personally I *love* it when various parts of my anatomy are called upon.   For example, during a spanking, I like to be reminded that this is Master’s bottom and he can do as he wishes with it.”

How you address each other can also be confirmation of your roles.   For example, calling her by a pet name can indicate your position of authority while requiring her refer to you with some title of respect such as Sir or Master further emphasizes her submission.   Being “owned” is a total experience.   It means she is subject to your whims at any time and no reason is necessary beyond the fact it is something you want.   For her, there is great excitement and anticipation in being used for your pleasure and never knowing what your next command or task may be.   She may be fully clothed and busy one moment and naked and kneeling before you the next….

The importance of Ritual in Creating a Submissive State of Mind

A submissive state of mind is very much an altered state of awareness.   Listen to the quality of her voice change the moment she knows you are actively controlling her.   You may find it grows softer and quieter as she lets slip away the more assertive aspects of her personality, showing you that vulnerable young girl within.   It is often a dramatic transformation and one that at times may leave her very non-verbal.   This state of deep submission is sometimes refereed to as subspace.   It is *the* place where she wants to be and the deeper you can take her, the more intense everything becomes for her.   You can make it easier for her to go into subspace by the use of ritual.   Keeping a certain formality and pattern when leading her into a scene makes it easy for her to recall past events and more easily slip back into a previous deep submissive state.

Building her anticipation for an event is a wonderful way to give her time to get into her submissive head space.   It let’s her imagination come into play and builds up her sexual arousal as she tries to envision what you have in mind for her.   Try telling her firmly to be in your study at a certain time without saying why.   In the meantime, she can indulge in her submissive feelings by wondering what she may or may not have done and she’ll be imagining herself being subjected to all kinds of marvelous things.   Or, in great detail tell her *exactly* what will happen to her at a point in the near future then forbid her to mention it.   See how this works?

There are an almost infinite number of ways to make her feel submissive.   Position and symbology play a great part.   Perhaps the most effective is to place her in a collar.   A collar is a very powerful symbol of ownership, love and commitment and should be treated with great respect.   When she wears your collar she is telling you that she is yours completely and will try as hard as she can to please you in whatever you may ask of her.   It will always be in her mind that she wears her collar for *you*.

Having her assume certain standard slave positions is a way to both signal her that you are now moving into a more formal role with each other and also allow her to return to quickly enter a submissive state of mind.

I like to enhance her state of submission by the use of a unique perfume.   Have her wear it each time you have a special scene with her.   In this way, the scent becomes identified with her submission and the next time she smells it, she will be more easily transported back into the depths that she had reached during your previous scenes.

Attention to Detail

Your attention to detail is important.   You know what you want her to do and it’s important that you communicate that clearly to her.   Beyond that, it has several other purposes.   Not only does it focus her attention on you, but it lets her every day thoughts and stresses in her life fall away, and this is a wonderful escape for her.   As her Master, you want to give her tasks that draw out her submission and if she does allow herself to be distracted, her attention needs to be brought back to you with a few quick swats.   This also allows her to feel that she has *your* attention as much as she has yours.

Limits and Rules

The Desire for Structure A submissive woman often craves more “structure” in her life and there can be many reasons for this.   If her parents acted inconsistently with her, it can often created the longing to know where she stands in relation to them and what is expected from her.   Never knowing what is acceptable and what is not can be a very confusing situation for a child.   By giving your sub very clear limits and rules on her behavior, you are now creating an environment for her where she can relax and be secure in the knowledge of what is expected of her and how she can best please you.

Testing Limits

Setting rules and limits for your slavegirl is extremely important for it is within these boundaries she feels most cared for.   As part of her feeling secure within the relationship, she needs – even unconsciously – to test her limits.   This is an extremely important point.   If she breaks a rule and you let it slide without bringing it to her attention, you are not allowing her to feel safe within your care.   She can’t feel safe within your limits, if the limits are not there or are vague.   This testing process is something that never really stops though at first she will feel the need to test you often until she learns that you will follow through.   The sooner you do that, the quicker she will feel the reality of your concern for her.

A submissive woman *wants* a strong Master, one who sets guidelines on her behavior that are for her own good and then who has the strength and authority to be sure they are followed.   It’s almost impossible for me to emphasize how important a point this is.   The most common and biggest complaint I am told by submissive women is that their Masters are not “strict” enough.   Inconsistency on your part is see by her as a sign of weakness, and she cannot feel submissive to a weak man.

Be Consistent

Remember that her greatest desire is to feel that she has lost control to you and must do as she is told.   If she does not do exactly as instructed she wants to know there will be a consequence, for if there is not, she will not feel your control of her is real.   If you let her down by allowing her to get away with breaking her rules, she will feel that your control over her is not real.   It’s like saying you don’t care for her enough to watch over her and she will feel a very definite lack of attention from you.

Some Examples of Rules and Limits

The kinds of rules and limits you set for your slavegirl depend on your wishes and insight as to what you feel is best for her, taking into great consideration her goals for herself.   I would suggest that in the beginning, the fewer rules you have for her the better.   This way she can be very clear on what is expected of her and it will make it easier for you to enforce them.   Sit down with her and discuss the rules you feel she needs.   I think you’ll find she knows exactly what they are and will welcome your help in “assisting” her to accomplish them.

Household chores are a good starting point.   Make a list of daily chores for her and see that they are done such as making the bed, all kitchen dishes put away, etc.   Hold frequent inspections. Remember, she will need to test you very much at first and only when she feels sure she’ll be disciplined for not doing them will she be able to get them done knowing she has no choice about it – which will be a tremendous relief to her.

Here is a quote that shows the subs desire for having rules:   “I am very good at "rules”… I like to feel like the man has control in many ways.   Not in my work life or who I can talk to and such but in our personal relationship.   Little things like what I am to wear when with him… or certain behaviors I am supposed to follow… my Dom used to have me kneel as soon as we were alone together, and riding in the car I was to always have my skirt hiked up. “

Spankings and Discipline

It is very thrilling for your sub to know she is subject to your discipline.   She wants rules and limits set for her and knows that there will be consequences for not obeying them.   If there are no consequence then she cannot feel the control that she longs for.   Accepting a spanking where the focus is on correcting her behavior rather than for her own pleasure is proof of her submission to you.   It makes your control of her very real.   There is a big distinction between a spanking given for the pure enjoyment of it and one given as punishment.   Though many pleasure spankings are given under the guise of a punishment for misbehaving, it’s clear that the focus is on its eroticism and the "punishment” aspect is just a pretense.

Some submissive women would never want a spanking they thought was given as a punishment.   For them, it is a completely pleasurable experience and they don’t want them to be associated with a punishment” in any form.

However, there are some submissive women who *love* to be spanked as a punishment and there are several reasons for this.   We all grew up knowing that spankings were given as a punishment and though now as adults we find them pleasurable, the connection between spankings and punishment still remains and can be a very hot erotic trigger for the sub.   If she started having spanking fantasies at a young age when having your bottom paddled and being punished are one in the same, they will often revolve around the idea of being punished for some reason, whether real or imagined.

Due to societies generally negative view of d/s and s/m, many women who crave a spanking or whipping often have great conflicts about it, wondering how they could possibly be so “strange” or “weird”.   It is often not an easy admission to make, so it’s much easier to rationalize the desire for a spanking by connecting it to a wrong doing in order to “earn” a spanking rather than having the freedom to simply ask their lover for one.

The Desire to be Perfect

There is a tendency in some submissive women to be “perfect”.   Though this can be an admirable goal, it can often be taken to extremes and that’s something to be aware of.   I am now talking about the desire to strive to improve, to make an effort to do the best job possible, and as we know, that takes a great deal of energy.   Here is a quote that illustrates this point: “I started thinking about why punishment appealed to me and I wasn’t sure if it was just another way to test limits… or the thought of the luxury of having something to “make” me do the things I really want to do anyway… but, instead, I allow life (work, fatigue) get in the way.   “I have very high expectations for myself… I am lucky in the fact that I am intelligent and beautiful… but I think given these "gifts” that they should be utilized to the fullest extent…“

A submissive woman like this wants to be "pushed” into making a greater effort with herself.   She knows what she is capable of achieving and wants help in making it a reality.   To me, this is one of the most positive aspects of spankings treated as a punishment.   As her Master, your responsibility is to take care of her and to see she does what is best for her.   You need to work with her to be sure her rules and limits are for her own benefit and help her to meet her own personal goals.   If structured this way, the focus of the spanking is not because she was “bad”, but rather she is being spanked to help her improve herself.   In this way, your discipline of her is another way you can show her you love and care.

Here is a quote from a woman who loves the thought of being punished for not meeting her own standards of behavior for herself.

“One of my fantasies is to have someone in my life just for the purpose of correcting my faults.   He would make me keep a list of all my misbehaviors.   Being lazy at work, or late.   Eating junk food, or not going to the gym.   Being rude to people unnecessarily.   I would have to keep a list, and once a week he would come and read the list.   Or more.   And he would make me describe each incident, he would lecture me about it, he would establish a separate punishment for each offense on the list.   And I would be told over and over what I’m being punished for, or would be required to recite it to him.   Twelve swats of the paddle for this.   Six strokes of the cane for that, you know.   He would read them off the list in random order, call me out of the corner at any moment to take my next licking, send me back to the corner afterwards.”

This is one of my favorite quotes because it so clearly illustrates the connection between behavior and its punishment.   There is no doubt in her mind on why she is being punished and she accepts her punishment knowing how much it will help her to improve her behavior in the future.

For a sub, it is quite a luxury to have a disciplinarian in their life and to not have to rely solely on their own will-power.   We all have chores to do that are not particularly enjoyable and if left undone it weighs on our minds and becomes a burden.   As her Master, you can provide the “incentive” she needs to get what needs to be done finished and out of the way so it does not hang over her and drain her energy.

The thought and anticipation of being punished for not doing something is often extremely exciting and this enables the sub to tap into her sexual energy to complete her chores.   For example, scrubbing the kitchen floor is not much fun but the knowledge that she’s in for a good spanking if it’s not completed can add tremendous sexual energy to her task.

You can also assist her in this by telling her that her work will be “inspected” and if not found adequate she’ll be disciplined.   By the way, the word “inspection” is a very *hot* trigger for most subs.   Knowing her work will be reviewed helps her to focus on the task at hand to do the kind of quality job she really wants to do but has to struggle with finding sufficient energy.

Punishment as a way of Absolution and Forgiveness

Another aspect of being “punished” is that it allows her to let go of any self-imposed “guilt” over her behavior.   This is especially important for those women who strive to be perfect and have the tendency to be self-critical.   This can be compounded if she was raised in an environment where past mistakes were never forgotten but were continually brought to her attention.   When she is punished, she can face her mistake, accept her punishment as a motivation to improve (not for being “bad”), be completely forgiven and then to happily move on.

Some Cautions over Punishment Spankings

Since a punishment spanking is going to be harder for her to endure than one given for pleasure, you want to be sure she is in the right mental head space for taking one.   In other words, she must feel the spanking is deserved, so my advice here is never punish her for something left unclear.   Make your rules very clear and specific so she knows *exactly* when she is breaking them.   If it helps, set time deadlines so she can’t claim she was “just going to do it.”   Another caution here about being consistent.   If you punished her one week for breaking a rule and let the same infraction go the next, you are giving her very mixed and confusing signals which will make it difficult for her to take your control seriously, and this will have very negative consequences to both your roles.   She will need to test you until she feels secure you are going to follow through so *be consistent* – this is extremely important.

Preparing her for Punishment

A punishment spanking is often more filled with ritual than most any other scene and draws very much on her anticipation of an event that she knows will be a test and challenge to her.   Sending to her room to await you should excite her greatly even though she knows the spanking may not be that enjoyable.   Making *her* fetch the implement used in her correction is an added erotic embarrassment.   You may want to have her strip in advance and go to the corner to reflect upon her infraction and what steps she is going to take in the future to avoid a similar lapse.   Or, you may want to have her place herself face down on the bed with a pillow under her hips and paddle beside her.   If you want to see just how exciting the anticipation of a punishment can be, have her wait at least 10 minutes before you come into the room and then check her for wetness.

You may want to lecture her on her behavior, emphasizing *exactly* what she did to earn this correction, and during the spanking itself, pause several times and give her the chance to promise better behavior in the future.   This is important as it keep the emphasis on the punishment as motivation to improve her behavior and not because she was “bad” or displeased you for not getting it done.

The focus of a punishment spanking is less on her pleasure (even though it will at least initially be very exciting) so you may want to give her less of a warm up than usual before increasing the intensity of the spanking.   If you tell her in advance how many strokes she is to be given it may help her to endure the spanking knowing when the end will come.   If this is the second spanking for the same offense, be sure to increase the number of spanks so she gets the idea that a future lapse will be met with more severity.

As further confirmation of your roles, after the spanking she should thank you for taking the time and effort to discipline her, and then it’s up to you if you want to ravish her or send her to the corner!   The point I’m making here is that even though this is “punishment” there’s no reason it can’t end in pleasure for her.   After all, she has been “punished” and all is forgiven.

Some alternate punishments may be requiring her to write a certain number of punishment lines.   This is more of a childhood punishment but is very effective as it has less eroticism connected with it than a spanking.

How to enjoy your slave (in ways she or she’ll love)

Here are some suggestions on how to enjoy your slavegirl, get your way, and at the same time emphasize the depths of her submission.

Exploring Embarrassment

One wonderful aspect of d/s is that it lets you explore so many emotions in safety.   When done with love and care, embarrassing your slavegirl can be an extremely intense experience for her and one that will make her feel very controlled.   When you give her an embarrassing task and she obeys, it is a way you can both feel the strength of your respective roles.   Her obedience in being embarrassed proves to you both that she is your slavegirl and will do whatever you ask of her.   As her Master, you want to think of as many ways as possible to demonstrate this and you will feel that your control of her is as complete as possible.   Many ideas for increasing the depths of her submission utilize embarrassment in one form or another.   One point to keep in mind is not to intrude upon the privacy of other people who do not understand the kinds of exploration that goes on in a d/s relationship.   Be creative and you will find many ways she can be thoroughly embarrassed in front of others while being the only one that knows the real reason she is acting as she is.

Positions

There is a direct connection between your subs physical position and her mental/emotional state.   Kneeling before you will instantly put her in a submissive state.   Have fun exploring positions and be sure she maintains the proper position and keeps good posture at all times.   If you are relaxing on the couch reading or watching TV, call her over to you, perhaps you will use a “pet” name for her as a signal that she is now your slavegirl and has no choice but to obey.   Tell her to kneel at your feet for awhile and that she is not to move or speak until given permission.   Have her pay attention to her posture, and if she slouches give her a correction of some kind.   Perhaps putting her over your lap for a few quick spanks before having her resume her position or by simply giving her nipples a few pinches.   Of course, the next time she gets careless with her posture, the correction will be a bit stronger.   In this way, she will know that she is there just for you and that though you don’t feel it necessary to be actively engaged with her, she also knows that you are paying attention to her and are enjoying her company.

Another suggestion would be to put her on shoulders and knees in front of you and bare her bottom.   She is your slavegirl and if you want to enjoy her feminine charms you may at any time.   You might also tell her to reach back and spread her cheeks so you can better enjoy the sight of your little pleasure slave.   If you wish, tease her a little with some caresses and then go back to your book or television program.

One of my favorite activities is to have a crop handy and on occasion to give her a few nice swats for no reason other than you enjoy seeing a few stripes on her cheeks.   She will LOVE this and it makes clear that you enjoy giving her these sensations as much as she loves receiving them.   I’m sure you will notice an instant sexual reaction to being subject to your control in this way.   Crops are wonderful because not only can you redden her bottom with them, you can also use them to tease and caress her pussy.   Alternate a few more strokes with pleasuring her and then as a wonderful embarrassment, moisten the tip of the crop with her wetness and gently press it against her lips and have her lick it clean.   In this way, she has to admit to herself how excited she is by what you are doing to her.   You are reminding both her and yourself of how much she loves being your slavegirl and she no longer has to “hide” the intensity of her sexual reactions to being your slave.

Focusing her Attention

To send her even deeper in her submission, focus her attention.   For example, while she is still on shoulders and knees, balance the crop across her hips and tell her she is to not let it fall.   So now, not only is she in this sexual and submissive position, but she must concentrate on obeying *your* command and this lets her focus on you and allows her to demonstrate just how important obeying you is to her.   Of course, I don’t need to tell you what should happen if she does squirm and let’s the crop fall, do I?   The only question here is does she get just six strokes or twelve?   A very erotic example of focusing her attention is to instruct her to keep her nipples hard for you during a specific playtime.

Focusing her attention on you is very important for it let’s her draw on her real desire to please you by being a good slavegirl.   This is both a challenge to her and also something she very much wants to do.   Much of the formality of d/s is to find ways you can both very clearly express your care for each other.

A Sweet Torment

Another very exciting idea is to place her in this shoulders and knees position and to play with her sexually.   Enjoy her slight moans of pleasure for awhile and then firmly tell her she is not to make any sound at all as you continue to tease and caress her.   Be very clear that if she breaks your rule, there will be a consequence… Such a sweet torment, isn’t it?   If she reaches the level of excitement where she does let a moan of pleasure escape her, you have the choice of going back to your book for a time leaving her to await your touch or to “punish” her with a nice spanking before resuming.   This is the kind of spanking that I personally love the most.   It is a “punishment” for moaning, but it is also for her pleasure and yours.   Of course, the spanking will only excite her all the more and make it even more difficult to keep silent as you instructed – but that’s the whole idea!

Ice

Since I like this image so much, I’ll continue a bit further!   The next time she moans, have her bring you some ice cubes and then get back in position.   If her bottom is sufficiently warm at this point slowly rub the ice cube over her reddened cheeks.   For many women, this is an exquisite sensation.   Just a quick aside here… this is a good example of something she may *want* to experience but cannot ask for.   This is where your strength, initiative and creativity as a Master all come into play.   Don’t be afraid to experiment with giving her new sensations.

As the ice becomes smoother, rub it slowly over her inner lips and pussy.   You may chose to insert it into her vagina or if it is sufficiently small and smooth slide it slowly into her tight little bottom.

Asking Permission

Another way you can constantly remind her that she is under your control is by having her ask your permission.   The more of her own independent action is restricted, the more her submission will increase.   One example that emphasizes this as well as serving as a subtle embarrassment is to have her ask your permission to visit the bathroom.   This touches upon the idea of her losing certain personal privacies which can increase the intimate bond between you both.   If she blushes, it’s a good sign!

If you take her out to a restaurant take away her menu and decide on her meal yourself.   This will not only increase her submission to you, but also relieves her of having to make a decision for herself.

Another very romantic and even more embarrassing experience for her would be to order nothing for her and then feed her from your own plate.   From time to time, place a tasty morsel on your fork and have her lean forward to take it from your hand.   I think this is a very sweet way for her to feel close and dependent upon you.

It’s very common not to allow a sub to climax without first being given permission.   She is “allowed” pleasure only upon your command which will emphasize your control over her.   It also increases the anticipation of finally being given permission which can hold her on the edge of a climax for an extended period which will build its intensity.

Not only may she not climax without permission, but she may not even be allowed to touch herself without permission.   By setting this rule for her, you are making her admit her desire to touch herself by asking for your permission which is also a way for you to know how excited she has become by your commands.

You may want to try holding her right at the edge of a climax and then order her to come for you in a commanding tone of voice.   You may find this has a remarkable effect.   Some women have the ability to be trained to climax on command and there are various techniques that can be used to accomplish this though I won’t go into them in this document.

Pulling her Hair

One very *hot* erotic trigger for many subs is having their hair pulled.   Not in a hurtful way, but as a very sensual experience.   For many women, this can be an extremely powerful turn on and you may be surprised by her reaction.   Call her over to you and caress her hair for a moment before gathering it up in your hands before firmly pulling her face toward you for a passionate kiss – she will melt in a puddle on the floor!

Treating her as a Cherished Pet

Many submissive women love being treated as a pet.   We all know how much love and attention our pets receive and it should be thrillingly embarrassing and sweet – not at all degrading.   Pet’s are often kept on a collar and leash too, aren’t they?   Try this on a special evening together.   Have her undress and kneel before you.   Tell her she is to be your pet for the evening and lovingly place her collar upon her and attach her leash to it.   Tell her she is to be your sweet little kitty and is not allowed to speak unless given permission.   Instead, she must meow and purr to you.

One very erotic idea is to have her purr and meow for you as you caress her.   Perhaps, if your loved pet is in “heat”, have her rub her little pussy against your leg as a way of begging for more attention.   Be sure to bring her to a climax while allowing only mews of pleasure…

It is an incredible feeling to have a woman you love and who loves you napping at your feet while you hold her leash in your hand.   Make a little nest of pillows and blankets in a corner and make that her special place.   As a pet, she is not allowed to stand or to use the furniture.   Perhaps you’ll put out a little saucer of milk for her to lap…

A theme such is this gets very much into role-play which can be a wonderful escape from the stress of your lives.   It is a unique time when you can forget about being adults and return to the innocent and creative play of children.

Like all my writings, this is more for myself than anyone else.   Dominance and submission (D/s) has always been a part of my life, both my greatest torment when not understood by either myself and those I shared my thoughts with, and finally the source of greatest contentment and pride when I finally realized how beautiful and loving an exchange it is.   In a way, it is impossible to describe or explain it to another unless that person has the creativity and capacity to see its full potential to draw two people so close together that *everything* they have inside of them can be revealed and that is when they can be loved unconditionally and completely.

The only rule to d/s is that there are no rules.   What each sub wants is different and takes varying forms.   I am writing this with a particular sub in mind, and that is the kind of woman who is so full of love that she longs to give herself unreservedly to her Master.   It is written for those women who want to be a full-time slavegirl, who enjoy the sensual pleasures of being spanked (and more!) and who want to be disciplined when they do not meet their own personal goals and the guidelines for behaviour set by their Master.

I don’t know the submissive that wrote this but when I find her I will credit her and thank her for sharing her insights with us all at Beautifully Bound.

There is nothing sexier than seeing a woman show off her assets. You feel better when you dress better. That doesn’t mean to wear the sluttiest thing it means dressing in a way that gets the attention of your Dom.

There is nothing sexier than seeing a woman show off her assets. You feel better when you dress better. That doesn’t mean to wear the sluttiest thing it means dressing in a way that gets the attention of your Dom.

There is nothing sexier than seeing a woman show off her assets. You feel better when you dress better. That doesn’t mean to wear the sluttiest thing it means dressing in a way that gets the attention of your Dom.

1.       Always kiss His cock after he’s fucked you or let you suck him off … tell him how wonderful his cock tastes/feels/looks, and how much you love it. … and say “Thank You Master”

2.       Be kind – it’s not all about rules, or play, sometimes take the time to watch him, get a sense of His mood, is He stressy? Is he tired? Try to be in tune with what He needs, and when you can make His life - better do so.  You can do lots of nice things – simple acts of kindness and goodness, bake a cake, litter the house with scribbled post it notes hidden in cupboards, in His wallet, in His favourite girlie mag or on the bathroom mirror. If he’s ill make him soup, bring him warm drinks before he needs to ask, bring Him a cushion if he’s been sat to long hunched over a laptop.  

3.       Be proud to be His. Stand for what you believe in. Call Him Master in public/ with vanilla friends – maybe not constantly, but when it matters. If you’re asked to go somewhere – say “I’ll ask my Master”. Your friends may think you’re jesting, but by the time they realise you aren’t you’ll probably find they’re pretty accepting.  Mine were. I always deferred on important decisions and asked them to ask Him. Every time you’re honest about your relationship it reaffirms the dynamic.

4.       Pay attention to what He likes – forget anything, but remember what matters to Him, His core values, his worries, His preferences, His favourite smells, foods, colours, fabrics etc.

5.       Don’t try to be an expert on His interests though.  I’m starting to realise that actually me and my Master are different. He is logical, and has a scientific, mathematical, right-brained man’s mind. I on the other hand, am typically left brained and artistic. I do not understand what He is talking about when he talks about physics. But it doesn’t matter – I enjoy listening to Him talking passionately about something. I don’t need to understand all of it, or how it works.  People so oftenly mistake showing interest with debating or firing inquisitory questions at the other person. It’s actually really nice that we are different – it balances us perfectly. I don’t try to outsmart Him on His topics or question Him.  I wondered if this might actually be a problem of where the bimbo-ideal and living it would give rise to a conflict of desires he might have, but He doesn’t need or expect me to understand.

6.       Learn role-appropriate-skills to make His life wonderful.  Being submissive is a discipline. It’s kind of like being a geisha. It is about (particularly for doll-types) aspiring to perfection. So presentation is everything – perfect self presentation, perfect home, perfect meals. Learn everything you can about home care – cleaning tips- cooking skill- sexual skills- beauty tips- massage tips- exercise facts-and do everything with grace and skill. Practice speaking nicely, moving elegantly and learn how to hold yourself and at what angles you look best. Learn to communicate effectively and appealingly – find out if He wants you to be explicit , or more subtle, to communicate using specific words or sometimes in your tone, your eye contact and body language, and learn to listen , active listening makes for better relationships. Take time to process his questions before responding.  It is nice to be unquestioning and the ideal of submission is surrender as an absolute not a semi-version but as a relationship its really important to comprehend what is being communicated to you , so even if you fully plan to agree – pause and absorb before moving on.

7.       Be useful to Him. In public do whatever He needs. Be His personal cheerleader, or right hand woman, his rock and confidente. Laugh at jokes you don’t understand. Don’t criticize Him even as part of general hen-crowd-man-baiting. Be near enough to him that you are by His side, but let him shine – don’t cling to Him and be in the way, be devoted and patient, serene and poised.  It’s ok to be a private performer and to put on a show when He tells you. But be what He needs when He needs it and understand that what is expected or desired may change based on environment.

8.       Make His life easier. He may get final say on things but don’t ask Him about everything, it can be exhaustive. Like home furnishings. I have pretty much always had the D/s M/s dynamic in all my adult relationships . Never, have I met a Master, or man for that matter that particularly cares about curtains.  From what I understand generally the topic is boring and you only make a pest of yourself running to Him with catalogues of fabric. If you know what colours He likes narrow it to maybe 3 options you think He will like. The same applies on other things that he finds dull or laborious – i.e. food shopping, anything He may need for health or self care.

9.       Tell Him things that you appreciate about what He does for you i.e.  patience, promoting your confidence, learn to see the things that go beyond “kink” (I hate that word so much).

10.   Believe in him. Trust him… believe in His dreams even if you don’t understand them…do everything you can to help him flourish towards his own happiness… offer to promote his restaurant, offer to help Him gift shop for children/women/relatives in his life, offer to promote his craft or art through social media, offer anything that you think is of service or benefit to Him.