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I want your comfort/you caused my pain

this dichotomy has me feeling insane.

Remember when we met?

Early mornings, late at night.

Making up after a fight.

You held onto me so fast and strong

It scared me a little

what if this is wrong?

Is life determined? Is it fate?

Maybe this path we walk on is not so straight.

I think I’m in mourning

I’m holding onto such grief

For what I thought we were

And could be

I think back to a time before us.

Another heart broken, I’m repainting the lines of what was

In a truckbed at a party

tequila and drugs

Thought maybe I’d keep it

that now tainted love

Am I repeating patterns?

Am I missing some sign?

Does anything matter?

Can I forgive your crimes?

Now I sit at the kitchen

trying hard not to think

of mutual masturbation

and your weird little kinks

Did she know you like I do?

All your scars and your flaws

Fuck you and your insecurities

I’m not trying to be mean

Your strength was an asset

This act: pathetic and weak

Now we’re clawing in a bathroom

Playing Mormon and raw

Hearts on the table

I guess it’s your call

Can we fix what you’ve broken?

I need more than tokens

Hysterical bonding

Intimate fiction

Fanatical visions

Mystical, mythical healing

Lemonade and old debts paid

Today would have been your 28th birthday. You’ve been gone for almost 1/2 a year. You are so missed, Frankie. I find myself wanting to send you pictures of the dogs constantly. It’s weird because they are your dogs but they are ours now too, so I’ll just say “the” I feel honored to be trusted with their care and can’t help but love them as hard I can. Even the cow-pig, with her shifty ways. You were always so good at that- finding the good that is sometimes so easy to overlook. I told your mother that I loved her tonight, twice, just in case she missed it the first time. I told your sister stories I never would have told her if you were here to stop me and we laughed until we cried. I arm wrestled your nephew twice and I DID NOT let him win. I hope you saw him- 7 years old and preening. Flexing his muscles from across the table. I hope he never loses that confidence but also doesn’t let it go to his head. A thin line, I know. I read through every text we ever exchanged today. I cried into Axle’s soft fur and kissed Ruby’s hard head. I can still hear your laugh sometimes, still know what you would say to Fox at certain moments when he has a hair-brained idea. I try to let him have those ones. I know it’s not the same as having you here to say it. But I try.

I hope you are somewhere with a fast, mint car. Somewhere with a Chinese chin named Sara eating frozen grapes. I hope it’s always sea faring weather fit for a quick ride in the checkmate. And I hope more than anything that you save us a spot. I’d give anything for another sunset cruise with you, bud.

The thing that gets me is..they did the ole 10 year challenge with two images-one from now, one 10 years ago. and so many comments about “healthy lifestyles” and “what’s your secret,keto?” “Rise and grind” “weight loss journey” “some ppl just don’t have self control” …blah blah blah.

Large bodies, small bodies, all bodies. None of it equates to “health” and they are all valid. I’m so tired of everyone’s meat bags being some kind of signifier for health or wealth or what the fuck ever.

Were All just trying to get through this fucked up timeline with minimal damage. There’s nothing wrong with their body before or after the surgery. There is also nothing wrong with large bodies. What is wrong is the state of this godforsaken place where kids have shit like lunch debt, and organic, non-gmo “healthy” food costs the same per month as unaffordable housing and shit costs money and money is so fucked and I’m so tired of this boring ass dystopia where billionaires launch their phalic midlife crisis’ into the cosmos and people vote against their best interests because they aren’t even given an option besides literal fascist or thoughts and prayers, no change, corporate bought talking old ass head.