UwU

everything felt like it was closing down. everything around you was a blur. the ringing. the sound drowned the muttering and the excited gasps around. all you can hear was the drums of your heart beat. thump. thump. thump. it was all you can truly hear. your gaze was down upon your hand. it was sweaty. it was shaking. it was trembling. no. it wasn’t just your hands. it was your entire body. tremors that felt like you were being surrounded by a natural disaster. the lights in the tent. it felt too bright. bleary and fuzzy. it was dizzying. the realisation of everything came crashing down on you like a pile of bricks that was barely holding up the fragile foundation that was your fractured mental stability. your breath came out in huffs. everything was making sense. but at the same time, was also making things so much more complicated. everyone here. were they them? they were the ones you had searched for in a fog of uncertainty that you clawed through to obtain? they were still around. and that should have made you happy. it should make you excited. your hands fumbled to your pocket. running a thumb along a smooth surface that was a few rocks.

instead… it made you sick. they were still alive. they were… barely managing. going through the ever ending cycle of grief. the stories that you witnessed. the words. it all pointed to one thing. you were some catalyst. your death had resulted in pain in their lives. pain, longing… perhaps even anger. and you did not know how to handle the guilt that had overtaken your soul. like hands that gripped your heart. ❝ hey. let’s… let’s go… you have gotten paler ❞ your friend’s voice was like a shrill siren in your mental psyche. your friend wasn’t being loud. no. they were being soft spoken. but everything just felt louder now. every word. every laugh. every single noise. it was grating. loud. just absolutely painful. but you forced a smile. ❝ of… of course ❞ your voice held that shaky sensation that showed how much you were holding it barely together. just barely. 

it was already a struggle. walking. but you put your mind to it. one step at a time. left. right. left.. right… or right, left? walking was slowly feeling like a blur. a chore. even when you felt a minuscule load lightening your body… it was simply just not enough for you. as you walked alongside your friend. they were saying something. but you couldn’t hear what they were saying. none of it at all. you came to protect your friend, your coworker… only to uncover so much more than what you can emotionally handle. just as you walked. taking more steps. zoning out as your mind was going through reels of film of a life that was yours… yet at the same time, wasn’t. you lived through it. you experienced the laughter. the friendship. but at the end of the day… it was not your body. it was never your body. but they cared for you. they cared for you. in their own twisted way… but the stories. it felt terrifying. you were no saint. no angel. it was a pedestal that was so steeped. you felt fear clutch deep into your own insecurities. that you would not actually be what they had perceived of you. that you were entirely different… in appearance… hell… you have gone through hell and back.

it was when you had walked a little ahead. your friend called for you. for something. for what? ❝ oof- ❞ you bumped into a figure. stumbling backwards. until strong hands reached out and grasped your arm. saving you from falling over. ❝ i’m sorry— ❞ you paused. as you are met eye to eye. pink eyes. behind a veil. they were so familiar. that you felt like you wanted to completely sink in them. ❝ it is okay. are you okay? ❞ her voice. you couldn’t help but feel all choked up. it sounded slightly different. but at the same time, it was her. it was rose. you can see the concern in her eyes. even though watching her brutal performance. the dance in the air… the splat that had you wincing. it was too much. you did not know if to sink into her arms or to pull away and recalibrate. to actually sit down. to sleep. it seemed like a far journey to the comfort of your home.

❝ i… i am okay. thank you for… asking ❞ you choked out. you were unsure if you wanted to choke out a sob or it was a breath. you slowly pulled your arm from hers. before her hands… the clawed tips traced along your bare hand. and for a moment, you saw how her eyes dilated. like they were sensing. but at the same time, it was such a brief touch. columbina stood there, she felt the inner turmoil. it was as if this human in front of her wanted to escape. to run away. the pain was so severe and pain. yet, it was laced with something that had her wanting to grab your hand and pull you close. it was a pain that had her stop. she need to seek more. she needed to hold your hand. her hands twitched. wanting to inch closer to pull. but only stopped. slowly trying to keep herself calm. yet the way you looked at her, in between if she was someone who was a safe haven… but also someone who scared you. why was that? she needed to know. one brief touch was not enough. she needed more. she needed it so badly that her hands ached. but one breath at a time.

but you were already pulled away, ❝ you are welcome ❞ columbina spoke with a warm expression that watched your expression. keeping in mind what was going on behind those pretty eyes of yours. why were you so frantic? why was your heart racing so fast. why was it that you were looking around, trying to find a route of escape? ❝ what tents did you visit, dear visitor? ❞ she asked, she wanted to be in your presence. even when you were scared. even when you felt like some cornered animal. your presence alone, it felt like them. it felt like they were alive. which troubled her greatly. jester would not like that one bit. he held their memory on the highest regard. he had kept many of their belongings close before allowing ticket taker to guard these treasures. they may have travelled. they may have lost the circus many times. but somehow, each time… they managed to keep their memory in tact. no matter the troubles. though her eyes glanced over at your friend that remained close. the white ticket loosely tucked in their pocket. somehow she was guessing that you had a hunch of some sort. 

you paused. looking at her. rose… looked so different from before. she already looked like a human. but somehow, the one standing in front of you, was almost someone wearing a mask. metaphorically. her appearance alone was humanoid. ❝ all… all of them ❞ you answered quietly. you had turned away, feeling like you were going to crumple before her. ❝ but the tents are quite intense… i am heading back home to sleep ❞ you stepped back. a smile that was wavering as you grasped your friends hand. tugging them away. ❝ it… it was such a treat ❞ you murmured and immediately slipping away from the circus. though even as you walked away. you can feel her gaze seared against your back. even as you walked away. you were feeling more eyes against your back. you were unsure if it were either from animosity or something else… but all you can truly think of doing currently was to grab their friend, walk them back to their home safe and sound. before returning back home. 

however, back in the purple tent, one quick sweep around. jester let out a soft click of the tongue. the mess they leave behind. they leave nothing good behind with what they touched. his gaze sharpened as he stepped along the rows of seats. allowing the fools to clean up the trash. popcorn kernels to even random receipt stubs. ❝ disgusting ❞ he hissed. he walked until his shoe had stepped on something solid. a rock or possibly someone’s belongings. he lift his shoe up. only to meet with a familiar purple hue. with a quick grace, he had reached down. grasping the smooth surface. an amethyst. a common stone. he had seen many use it. something spiritual about the stone. though, his gaze only softened for a brief moment. his fingers slowly closed around the smooth surface. even when it was the belongings of some human being… the stone and its name… remained a cherished memory.

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it took half an hour. you had finally gotten home. your legs felt like they were being dragged down by some deep dark abyss. your weary tired soul felt like it was weighing down with so many thoughts running through your mind. too much. that you wanted to just collapse on your bed and just sleep. and that was what you were going to do. you trudged through your apartment. it sounded like you were just dragging yourself across the room. or sounded like some was pulling you across the wooden floors. your eyes were growing heavy. tired. you did not even want to take off your clothes that was just making you feel disgusting and icky. the sweat. the scent of the looming danger of the circus… the fear and nausea that bubbled inside you. no. you were at your wits end. and you needed sleep. you needed some kind of peace. so once you had collapsed on the bed. the bed that was lulling you to a peaceful sense of false security. you tried to pull something off, a coat? possibly anything. weakly kicking it off the bed. 

a shift here. a small movement there. you were out cold. so emotionally, mentally and physically drained from the day that had been nothing but stress inducing. trying to welcome the warm embrace that was a deep sleep… and hopefully a dreamless slumber. the sound of the door moved. he stood there. six and five inches tall. towering and casting multiple shadows in your home. his golden eyes gleamed. holding such a pained fractured need and desperation. the bells were silent. even with each movement. his gaze didn’t leave your figure. no. not one bit. ❝ meu tesouro ❞ he began. his voice was wavering. as his clawed hands reached. even as he spoke, he saw no signs of you stirring awake at all. ❝ you have seem so tired… your journey back… it must have been so difficult ❞ he murmured, his gloved hands moved. brushing a strand of hair from your face. 

❝ harlequin… he said i was mad. but he does not understand. he would not understand ❞ he frowned. ❝ you had helped me… i felt it when you helped me. your eyes, the way it wavers… it is the same. but you do not remember it yet… ❞ he leaned closer. his towering figure, his shadow swallowed you completely. ❝ i have searched so many faces… so many breaths i have counted… they… now i know that everyone before was wrong. i was wrong for not realising that the ones before did not hold a candle to you, meu tesouro… ❞ his voice lowered to a whisper. it was so intimate and quiet. he had watched your sleeping face. his expression was a mixture of so many. pain. care. reverence. madness… possession. ❝ harlequin… says you do not look like them. not exactly. the hair colour… the way your lips look… your nose is different ❞ he paused. he was trembling with a shaking need. ❝ but the way you exist… it is just like them. i would know… no, i made mistakes before. but i am right, this time ❞ his hand cupped your cheek. his breath shook.

❝ it is the way you stood. the way you walk… everything. ❞ he leaned. ❝ he said that i am seeing what i want to see… after over a hundred years. any significant resemblance would click… but he does not understand… or maybe he does… ❞ his voice wavered and weakened. as a tears started to well up in his eyes. ❝ everyone is so stupid… they do not see how you matter. how much you are just them ❞ he had let out a shaky breath. he finally pulled away. instead, he knelt beside your bed. his head laying against the soft plush bed. ❝ i will make them see… i will make sure everyone understand you are them. and they are you… i just need to see… that you even have a small hint of recognition ❞ he closed his eyes. ❝ … please… please just remember me… everyone… before i go completely mad ❞ his hands now placed upon your own hand. 

it was complete sheer silence. he was breathing. he was settled onto the floor. his eyes fixed on the way you breathed. in and out. ❝ sleep a little longer, meu tesouro… the remembering… it will be painful… but i will watch over you. like how i should have back then. but now i will watch over you forever now ❞ as he sat there. he wanted to remain by your side. be the guardian. the protector. the sentinel… the monster that had his heart beating for you. and as you had slept on. sleeping so soundly. he would keep you close to him. he did not want to let you go… he just simply cannot. you were too important. he could not let you go again.

in your dreamless slumber, no… the scent of something sweet wafted in the air. as if your mind had conjured a scent so warm. you remained in the darken consciousness of your mind. walking across the empty land of your mind. the sound of distorted voices echoed throughout the chambers. your steps were light on what was the ground. it was solid… somewhat. but you continued to walk. trying to find some kind of exit. the retelling of the stories that were twisting. either the voices were in muffled distortion or booming at some points. a frown adorned your features as you continued to walk. one step at a time. not pausing. not stopping. the sound of someone familiar did caress your nerves. topaz? it sounded like him… except a lot more lower, a little raspy from disuse. his words struck a cord deep within you as you quietly questioned. 

it was a matter on if you want to keep a distance from the circus for a while. or approach the circus once more. to figure out more. it was a desperate need. and just as you continued to walk. you heard the voice once more. ❝ meu tesouro… i must go soon… but i have waited for so long to say this… i love you. i love you so much… ❞

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