Skullripper4900

it sucks so much when you feel like you know some people. that you seemed to have alot in common and laughed and enjoyed simaler things. but end up really being nothing like that. they no longer laugh at your stupid jokes. they no longer share the interests that you thought shared a decent bond of friendship between you. there is no longer a connection you thought was pretty tight. its like im strangers to these friends..and their strangers to me.  and so i wonder..is there a point to getting close to anybody? should i really invest the effort into friendships only for them to always crumble? maybe its just me. maybe im just the consistent problem. and people jsut want to avoid me.  and maybe they have a right too..i say im getting better from this stupid depression but i always wallow back. and maybe its for the best if they did just get rid of me.  maybe it will be alright if im just alone..nobody will have to deal with me...

i understand how some of them are in legit pain when i post depressing stuff..but i know some who could give less of a shit when ever im feeling down..especially when i know these people would rather talk about how much a problem or whatever i am behind my back without really caring about how i feel. 

So I have been trying really hard to think positive stuff ..and it helps that I met somebody I like who I can talk about anything with without much fear that the person would avoid me at all..which is good..but it's still hard It's especially going to be hard when even talking to this person is going to be difficult in a couple of weeks..which is just going to make me feel ever so alone.. The person is my only real friend I have now..everybody else don't really care to talk to me anymore..they have their own lives to worry about ..so it's really going to be difficult to fight the sadness in my head... I'm still glad I can at least vent my sadness to this person without fear of being called crazy or be avoided..my friend seems to know what to say and make me feel better about myself..wile everybody else avoided and considered me crazy..it's why I don't ever want to talk to them about shit like that anymore..no point if I'm only to be considered crazy and then avoided But yea..I'm glad to have met this friend who seems to understand me and somebody I can finally vent too without feeling like garbage because I decided to vent..but it's going to just suck when my friend has to go back to work..because I know I won't have anybody else..but at least Facebook messenger is a thing so I'll still have contact..but still So I'm at a confused state..I don't know if I'm happy atm..or sad..happy that I met a great person..or sad that she has been the only friend to me as of late..I don't know..but I guess only the future can tell us what will happen

So I was asked if I loved this girl or if it was just feelings acting up and there was nothing there.. The answer is yes and no..I mean there was a point where I did love her I think..I mean..she was a pretty..nice..and an overall grand person (and still is) and it was hard for me not to love somebody like that..but it's hard to say that I did..but I know I care about her and hope she is happy..as well as be there for her..so I honestly don't know if that should be considered love But after I found out that she shared no such feelings for me..it was hard for me to think if I honestly loved her at that point..as it's hard to love somebody who doesn't love you.. But maybe it's a different kind of love? Not the love that involves a relationship..but a love for somebody who you consider family? I mean..she had been there for me more so then most of my actual family..she still does care about me..and I have done the same for her.. So maybe I do still love her in a way..But I don't know if the feeling is mutual..

Just found out today..with 100% knowledge that the person I had feelings for..had no feelings what so ever for me..I figured as much..how could an idiot like me ever garner the feelings of someone like that ... But what upsets me..is despite spending an excessive amount of time with this person..being there for her..nothing came from it..no feelings..no nothing..yet every time I seen her encounter somebody I know and introduced them to her..she always seemed to fancy them and if things where different there could have been a chance that she would want to be with them..despite only knowing them for hardly a couple of weeks..she managed to show some sort of feelings for them in some way And so it hurts to know I'm nothing more then a friend to this person despite the amount of shit I have been threw with her..wile people who she just met seem to have more value to her.. I'm not mad at her for the way she feels..I can't ever force her to have any feelings for me..and I'm glad she still is a friend of mine..but still People keep saying I'm valuable..But when I see stuff like this..it honestly drags my self worth Even lower then it already is..and just makes me feel like I'm not valuable at all...

What's the God danm point anymore really..I'm just honestly waisting my life away at this point.. I mean really..all my job does is pay rent..nothing really else..so I'm waisting my life 8 hours a day for 5 days a week doing something that dosent even matter in the long run My only friends who I'm comfertable to vent my crap too..seem to rather talk to each other then to honestly want to hang out with me..I understand though..both of them have way more life then I do..so I understand why they would rather talk to each other.. And even when I do get a chance to talk to them..I just bring them down..So I guess it's good they both made a new better friend.. It's ok..I'll just play league of legends by myself..play horribly..and just waist away..

So my belly is full of pizza..cake..long island ice tea..and Alabama slama...yet how come I still feel empty..like it really dosent matter what I eat or drink or do..I'll feel empty..happy bday to me I guess

Im at my wits end atm..where im trying to find a reason to contiue on and try but i just cant..i mean what honest reason is there? So i get a job...then what? I spend the rest of my life just spending money on nonsence..feeling all so alone without anything to make me feel fulfilled I mean..i think i would love a family(have kids..be in a relationship)..but all experiences i went threw and the shit i have seen have told me that a family is impossible for me to ever actually achieve I hate myself..dont see any reason why i would love me..this is a reason why people have told me that i wont find a relationship..or hell even a hook up..yet i have seen assholes who i KNOW hate themselves manage to get hooked up or even being in a long lasting relationship So i dont even know..i guess im an exception to the rule..because who honestly would want to be in a relationship with me.. So the one goal i do have..is unreachable..so tell me people..why should i even try

That moment when you realise how much you care about a person..only to realize how much they really dont care about you That moment when you realise how much you really dont matter to people you have tried so hard to make happy That moment when you realise how much your life dosent matter at all That moment when you just dont want to wake up

so im going to be asking a few things for the people that follow me here..one is that i would love to have you all ask questions as i would like to interact with my audience as much as i can i also was thinking of changing my channel banner and icon so if there are any artists out there who can do some sort of art that would fit my channel..i would love you forever <3 thanks all..hopefully i will get some interesting questions and see some fantastic art

depression be a bitch and made me less motivated to make videos..and thus i had not much passion about muchbut im a bit better now which is why im getting my grove back