"I believe in control. The kind of control that makes you feel on top of the world, the kind that makes you feel better than everyone else. Because when you control what you put into your body, you control your mind. You control your life. I believe in the emptiness that leads to purity, in lightness, in being physically small. Fragile. Precious. Made of porcelain."
From 44 to 36kg through food restriction, then back and stuck between 37/38kg because of stress eating/binges. Now I’m finally locking in and pushing myself back to my honeymoon phase, trying to fall in love again with hunger and lightness instead of finding comfort in food. I’m so done stuffing my face because my body disgusts me, and I really wanna reach my goal weight and feel in control again. So, here I am again, using this blog as my virtual diary to find a little safe space where I can keep myself motivated, hoping Tumblr won't kick me out like usual (but fuck it, I'll just make another blog anyway).
Height: 162cm
1st GW: 36kg
UGW: 34/35kg
CW: (?) too scared to step on the scale rn
About me:
I’m a restrictive eater, obsessed with looking like a corpse and with the feeling of being small and tiny. I usually don’t fast because I still want to function properly, but I try to eat as little as possible while burning as much as I can.
Working out is non-negotiable for me. I do it every single day without exceptions. I spend at least two hours on the treadmill every day (morning and evening), sometimes even longer if I feel like I’ve eaten too much or simply feel like doing more. On top of that, I do yoga for anywhere between 20 minutes and an hour.
I push my first meal as late as possible by skipping breakfast, and I usually eat only two meals a day: lunch and dinner, with a sweet treat after my last meal. I avoid snacking in the evening unless I genuinely feel weak or off, and even then, it’s usually just a tiny bite.
I’ve always restricted food intuitively by eating as little as I could, avoiding feeling too full, and simply listening to that voice in my head that basically tells me how to eat and how much instead of relying on numbers. I’ve pushed myself to count calories several times because it gives me a sense of control and order (especially because I tend to overestimate how much I eat) but tracking usually makes things worse for me. I become obsessed with numbers, too aware of restriction, and the food noise gets much louder. I end up thinking about food all day, planning everything around a specific number and feeling stressed by having to weigh and calculate every little thing.
It’s also really hard to know my exact intake because I often take random bites of different foods, taste things, eat small amounts of several foods, or sometimes use the chew and spit method, so the numbers are never completely reliable. I also notice that counting makes me sabotage myself: if the number is low, sometimes I feel like I’m “allowed” to eat more, while if it’s even a little higher than I wanted, I feel like I’ve messed up and I eat even more out of frustration.
That’s why not counting calories feels mentally easier for me. I might still check the nutrition label if I’m unfamiliar with a food, but I don’t log anything. Instead, I rely on portion control and my own food rules. I usually choose lighter, lower-calorie foods, keep my portions small (even with foods I consider safe, like vegetables), try to include as much protein as I can, and avoid foods that feel too rich or difficult to control (even though I may have a tiny portion of them if I feel like it). But whenever cravings hit or the food noise gets too loud, I usually rely on the C/S method (chewing food and spitting it out). It’s a total lifesaver for me because I get the taste without actually filling my stomach, which helps me feel in control instead of giving in.
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When I got home I had some of the chocolate cookies I bought, and then I walked for another hour on the treadmill (even though I was exhausted), but I needed to so I didn’t feel too shitty about eating. For dinner then I had a carrot tortilla with three slices of turkey, salad, yogurt dressing and cheddar sauce. I didn’t track the calories because I’ve decided to focus on just eating as little as possible instead of stressing over numbers. I felt a bit guilty and paranoid about calories, but I wasn’t too stuffed, and even though it could have been better, I was okay with it.
But then, I had the cookies again, and for some reason, I couldn’t stop (and I couldn’t even c/s because I wasn’t alone). So I had way too many, and I completely ruined my whole day. I am so fucking mad at myself. I probably just went looking for that usual dopamine hit in all that sugar, but instead of feeling better, I feel worse. I didn't even enjoy them like I used to; there was zero pleasure in eating like that, only disgust.
It’s crazy because, for the first time in so long, I actually felt more pleasure in not eating (like I did this afternoon) than overeating. This was exactly what I’ve been craving—what I’ve missed so much. I loved feeling so good with an empty stomach, feeling better than everyone else, feeling strong and in control. I loved the feeling of not even needing food and hating the very thought of filling my stomach. I felt invincible.
Now I feel nauseous, guilty as hell and I really want to throw these cookies straight in the trash, but I won’t — partly because my family will notice (since I’m always throwing things I like too much away), but mostly because I want to learn how to control my trigger foods and eat them when and how I decide. So, I’ve planned my lunch for tomorrow: my usual Greek yogurt with one ladyfinger dunk in milk and coffee and one cookie on top. Usually, I’d use two ladyfingers, but I’ve specifically decided to use the cookie because I have to learn how to include the foods that make me lose control in moderation. I need to learn that just because I like something it doesn’t mean I have to act like there’s a countdown the second I open the package. I’m going to manage them this way: one per day in my yogurt, period. And after dinner, if I get a craving for something sweet, I’ll just have a coffee or an iced coffee, or maybe one tiny portion of something, just to satisfy the urge
Had this for lunch: 84 kcal, and I didn’t even finish it because I didn’t like it much. I’ve been up since 7:40 am, it’s 4 pm now, and I’m not even hungry. It’s so so easy not to eat when I’m not at home. I wish I was always out and busy so I wouldn’t think about food and wouldn’t eat
So, my period started today (which is so weird because it’s three days early and usually it’s late) but that explains why I’ve been struggling so much to stay in control — this shit makes me genuinely hungrier and it makes my cravings so much worse, especially for chocolate.
In fact I’m craving these specific chocolate cookies that I usually don't even like, and I’m really thinking about buying them today. I don’t know, though... cookies are one of my worst weaknesses, but I feel like if I don’t get them, I’ll just end up overeating something else like Nutella, so maybe it’s better to just get them to satisfy the craving. Also, I find cookies pretty easy to c/s if I dip them in milk first (because if they’re dry, they get stuck in my teeth).
Anyway, I’m on the treadmill right now and I’ll do yoga right after. I’m fasting until lunch like always, but today is a bit different since I woke up early for a dentist appointment at noon. I’m planning to have a protein bar for lunch instead of my usual yogurt, but I’m going to try to push it as late as possible to keep my stomach empty for as long as I can. I also need to go grocery shopping and I’m going to try to buy as much clean food as possible, and if I do grab any junk, it’s strictly for c/s or, at most, for tiny portions at a time
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I couldn’t use my tracking app for dinner, but I didn’t mess up. I had some bread with honey and cheese because I was craving it while I was cooking, but since I knew it wasn’t the best choice and it’s quite high in calories, I naturally ate less at dinner to balance it out.
I had peas with two small pieces of cod, but I ended up eating only half of one piece and some of the peas. After that, I had an iced coffee with zero-calorie caramel syrup (I tried it for the first time and it was so good) along with three cookies my sister gave me (I told you that whenever I dream about a specific food, I somehow end up seeing it the next day😂) Luckily, it wasn’t a whole box, just a single-serving pack, so I felt pretty relaxed and didn’t feel the need to C/S.
I also didn’t feel any urge to overeat. Even though counting calories gives me a stronger sense of control and makes me feel less paranoid because I have an actual number to rely on, not tracking has its own advantages. It makes me pay more attention to how I actually feel instead of obsessing over numbers. It also gives me the freedom to have a bite of something I want without spiralling just because I don’t know the exact calories to log. Instead of focusing on calculating numbers, I simply try to eat as little as I can without stuffing my stomach too much. My brain also tends to create its own rules, like not finishing everything on my plate, not eating more than a certain amount of a specific food (for example, no more than two eggs at once), or simply not filling my plate too much, even if it’s just veggies.
Numbers are still there in my mind, but I don’t spend my time calculating them. My focus shifts to other things instead.
So I still can’t decide what’s better for me: forcing myself to track everything or just restricting the way I normally do. I keep going back and forth because I honestly don’t know which one works better for me
I was expecting to be fully bloated from yesterday, but my stomach is kind of flat despite all the food I ate(?) Anyway, last night I ended up walking for almost two hours, and now I’m on my treadmill again. Usually, I walk for an hour before lunch, then I have my coffee and Greek yogurt that I prepare overnight.
I’m not hungry at all, just thirsty, but I’m going to eat anyway later because in the evening I’ll walk again and do yoga, and I need some fuel (especially with this hot weather).
Also, I dreamed about eating a bunch of boxes of my favourite cookies, and that scares me because whenever I dream about a specific food, I end up seeing it in the kitchen the next day. I hope that won’t be the case this time, but if it is, I’ll rely on C/S because cookies are one of my favourite foods and the food noise will be the worse
For some reason, I just wanted to eat, even though the thought of having a full stomach made me really uncomfortable and I wasn’t that hungry. I couldn’t even keep track of my calories because I took bites of different foods and C/S’d a lot, so I honestly have no idea how much I had. But I don’t think It was less than 1000.
I’m so disappointed. I feel fat and gross. This morning I was 2 grams lighter when I stepped on the scale, and I feel like I ruined everything…
Now I’m walking on my treadmill, and I’m planning not to stop until I can barely feel my legs. Tomorrow I’ll do better.
I had a coffee and a rice cake with Philadelphia and honey after dinner (as my sweet treat), and it was really good. Usually it’s hard for me to stop when it comes to sweets, but today, for some reason, even though I’m a bit sad, I didn’t want anything else. In the end, I just chewed and spat a piece of toast with a teaspoon of Nutella because I felt like it, but that was it
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I had one boiled egg and some blended spinach with chicken baby food and a teaspoon of Philadelphia for dinner (246 kcal), while my family had pizza and McDonald’s💁🏻♀️
I never eat those things anyway, but it feels so good to watch other people eating high-calorie food while I’m not
I’m trying to lock in so bad because I can barely stand my reflection in the mirror. So, I set a goal to lose 2-3kg by my birthday (which is exactly in 29 days) and this is helping me because it’s like my birthday gift to myself. I’m even trying to track my calories; even though I’ve always restricted food and lost weight just by eating low-calorie foods and tiny portions, I want to be sure I stay in a deficit, and keeping track is giving me a sense of order and control.
Numbers usually trigger me, and counting and weighing the food I want to eat is stressful and not always sustainable, so I don’t know if I’ll keep doing it for long. But given the circumstances (eating out of emotion), I feel like this is the only way to trigger myself because if I want to eat, I have to deal with the number going up, and that keeps me into avoiding it.
My days still aren’t perfect, but I feel like I’m doing better. Yesterday I attempted a 20h fast and it went well, but the moment I ate again, it was hard to stop (even though I wasn’t even hungry because my stomach was still closed). My biggest problem is sweets, because I keep looking for the dopamine they give me. But I’m so sick of it!! I need something else to cope. I need goals, a fucking purpose in life, some good distractions…
I really need to put my shit together, and I think losing weight is just ONE of the things I need to change… maybe I need a full glow-up—but not just something physical, more like a life glow-up (?)
I don’t know; I don’t feel like I want to live anymore. I just want to stop existing. I don’t want to really die, but I don’t know what to do to feel better.
Anyway, I want to be more active here so I feel less alone and hopeless, so yeah, I’m writing this
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