sicut somniant

Marriage of Heaven and Earth

if y’all had bothered to watch the video, you would’ve seen the comparison between gigi hadid wearing denim shorts and a regular ass shirt and a normal fat woman wearing the exact same fit, and how drastic the reception was for the latter. it’s the exact same outfit, nothing revolutionary or new, i can’t even call it fashion—denim shorts and a t-shirt. yet the fat woman was mocked relentlessly online and said she looked like a racist, while miss hadid was praised for being a trendsetter and a fashion icon.

i tend to order out and then pass on leftovers to friends. one friend gets the leftovers a lot because we’re neighbors, and whenever i ask her if she wants it, she always asks me “are you gonna eat it?”

and every time i say “no,” i have to bite back my instinctual response because then i know she won’t take it and i’ll put it in my fridge and eat all of it

my actual answer is “yes,” but not because i’m hungry. i’ll eat it because it’s there and i want it and i love food and the sad reality is that you could ask me “are you gonna eat it” to every piece of food i have and the answer is yes, even when i’m full.

it’s also really awkward when i offer people food and then also finish the entire plate, sometimes i get “wow, you were really hungry, how come you offered me some!” and the truth is, i wasn’t hungry. i mean i was probably, initially, but when i was at a heavier weight i started to realize that i ate because i ate.

i offer people food because in all likelihood i can and i will finish all the food on my plate if i don’t otherwise, and it’s not that i don’t want to but that i’ve eaten like that my whole life, it’s just impossible to start.

Llangollen, Wales

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