there will never be a final draft.
writing this helped a lot, I hope reading it can help some people. or they start writing their own ones.
A Tribute to Liam Payne.
Dear Liam,
the first one to tell me about you passing away was my mother. It was around 6.30 in the morning. I had got up just half an hour earlier to do uni. At first I wouldn't believe her. Because why would you be dead? You're only 31 years old. I thought it was probably just the sun or another gossip magazine spreading rumors. She, after all, also believed those articles that said Harry and Olivia were dating. So I ask her what the source was and she only told me that she had send me an article. I still wouldn't believe her because she hasn't told me the source and i wouldn't look what article she had send to me. She only told me that it was all over the internet. I told her that 'the internet' is not really a reliable source. So I kept on going over my lectures until I had to get ready to take the bus to uni.
During that time I kept thinking about how maybe it's not a lie after all, maybe the new aren't just rumors.
When I turned my phone's airplane mode off, I finally received the article my mom had send me. I also got a bunch of other messages from my two best friends, directioners too, both of them. I ignored those at first. My only focus was that the article she had send me was a tagesschau article and i trust them most of the time.
So my first instinct was to check Instagram, see if anyone had posted anything. The first post is saw was from Charlie Ligthening. About your passing. That solified it for me. Because why would he post about it if it wasn't real. I then looked on your Instagram, to obviously see nothing. I closed Instagram, I didn't want to see any more. Then I check my friends messages, all about your passing too.
I didn't realise all of this, still haven't really if I think. Can't really grasp it all.
I didn't cry. I barly do that anyway. But I was sad and I felt some strange kind of emptiness, still do. During my entier way to uni I texted with one of my best friends. That helped a bit, I think.
I told them how honestly I'm not even too surprised, because we knew that you had a problem with drugs and alcohol and also that your mental health was as stable as a leaf in the wind. I told them I wouldn't be surprised if it was suicide, especially not after what happened lately. I do hope tho that it wasn't. I don't like the thought that your death was a conscious decision. But even if it was, I wouldn't really blame you. I think I can understand it. But if it was neither suicide nor an accident, then I'll have some new feeling to deal with, namely anger.
The whole day I would repeat 'He really is dead. He won't come back. It's not fiction.' in my head, to make it real.
It helped a bit, but not much.
I couldn't listen to any of my usual playlists. All of them would contain something that would remind me of what happened and I wanted to forget. I think I was in denial and still am.
I ended up listening to my favorite childhood artists. I had wanted to do that for months anyway, just that now i was forced to, because not listening to anything would certainly not help either.
Going through social media in the evening was a lot. Everyone had posted something about your death. It was everywhere. I tried to keep my time on there very limited. Your passing was also on the news and seeing it on TV hit different. I can't remember them ever reporting about anything related to you boys. But that evening they did. And it was definitely not in the way I always wanted them too.
At least they chose a good picture of you. Not one of those promo ones where you didn't smile, a nice one.
The following night I dreamed of you. I can't remember much, but you were there. The next morning I woke up to the boys having posted about you. I almost wish they hadn't because it made everything more real. When I read Louis' caption I did cry. I feel most connected to him and i think reading those words from him did something with me. But in fact now I feel the urge to cry every time I see something about Liam. No matter if it's am edit, a tweet or another person wishing their condolences.
I think my brain is still in denial. I'll randomly get this thought about how we'll get the news that you aren't dead after all, that is was just a mistake, a misunderstanding. But it wasn't. And you are.
I hate to break it to you, but you never where my favorite. I never felt the same connection I had with Louis, Harry and Niall with you. But I still liked you and appreciate what you did in the band. Like Louis said, you were a vital part and the band wouldn't I have been what it was without you. I cherished all those moments you had with the others one stage. When you had waterfights with Louis. The video diaries.
I also never liked your solo music as much. But what I loved was how you interacted with your fans.
When I first go into 1d your livestreams were the first real content I had gotten from my of you. It was 2020, so covid and I loved your steams. Always fun. Always lifted the mood. It's sad that I couldn't watch the one you did with Niall, but I still watched plenty of the others. One could also always see how genuinely happy you were meeting your friends. Even if your eyes looked rather empty because of everything else happening. You never deserve all the hate. Did you deserve to be called out for the shit you did? Sure. But you never deserved all the hate, no one does.
I don't know if I will every really grasp everything. That you being dead, means your gone for good. That you won't come back. That we won't get any content from you anymore. That we won't see you again anymore. That one direction is dead for good. Even if the others decide to ever come back it now definitely won't be the same. Now we probably will get the reunion we never wanted at you funeral.
You will be loved forever. You'll be missed greatly. The world will never be the same, not without you in it.
Yours,
the person who may wasn't your biggest fan but still loved you dearly and misses you a lot
