Skakad

I want to discuss the book I'm reading with someone. The Mad Ship. It's such an amazing book.

The writer makes the characters so incredibly nuanced that you can relate to almost anyone in it or at least have understanding for their actions.

Maybe I should just accept that this is how it feels to be an adult. Everything feels grey.

I got my new business cards today for my new job. This is the first time I feel disappointment. Every other time I've received new business cards for a new job I've felt some kind of pride. Accomplishment. That is my name, my title, this is what I do, who I am.

I'm home, alone and pouring myself a bath. I'm conflicted, while I've started to understand and strive to make myself happy if that happiness is through someone else it's extremely hard to make certain choices.

I need to change something in order to be happy. I'm living a life on my old belief that if I succeed at something and earn enough money people who previously judged me, in my head, will understand my worth. Instead I've ended up miserable, leaving my dreams with my creativity and love for life back there. 

I've started at a new job, little over a month ago. It exhausts me. Sure I'm happy that I have a job and can pay my bills again. But the industry I work is just so superficial.  

It was a long time ago I felt the feeling that ending it would be the best option. It then changed from best option to easiest option. Instead of having to deal with it I could just end it, right? And you would not have to deal with anything else ever. It then changed to I'm just not going to deal with it, except when I'm a bit too drunk and I can't stop myself and just overflow you with what happened before.