I wanna do real bad things with you.

I love him. :-) I wasn't sure, but I know now.

How is it possible to feel better and worse at the same time? I feel like an asshole because I strung you along for so long while I was making up my mind, and then we stopped talking and I was hoping you gave up on me. Well, you didn't, and your nonstop texts were making me feel guilty. I chose him, not you, and I'm sorry. He treats me better than you did, and he tries to get to know me. When I kissed him, it felt different. A good different. It re-affirmed my choice. 

I'm sorry that I had to let you know via FB chat. I really am. But I needed you to leave me alone. I felt relieved but sick to my stomach. I hate being a jerk. I've had plenty of them in my life and I didn't want to become one myself. 

But it's what's best for me, and hopefully you will see it is what's best for you. I'm so very sorry. 

    was so fun. We didn't do anything crazy. Eating brownies and playing video games and watching a movie. I could live with nights like that happening more often.

My poor little brain is so confused.

Well, he kissed me. He was drunk but he kissed me. And now I feel guilty. I guess I have to make a decision, huh? 

Arghhhh too fast, this is moving too fast. 

My birthday. I don't know when my birthday began to become a big deal to me... but it has. I suspect it's because as a child, I was never allowed to have birthday parties. My parents let me have one party with my friends, and then the family parties stopped. I always thought that birthdays were supposed to be magical... you get one special wish on a candle, and it's a day celebrating YOU. 

This year I turn 21. The last "big" birthday before the slow creep to 30. I wanted it to be epic. Amazing. Full of friends. Fun.

Instead, last night I went to bed at 10:30. No going out at midnight to celebrate. I woke up early, took myself to the movies. My mother forgot to wish me Happy Birthday. I didn't get any presents or a cake. 

Now I have to go to work. I can't go out tonight with my best friend, because she wouldnt come home to see me, and with work I couldn't make time to drive to her. Everyone I call my friend was busy or had an excuse as to why they couldn't see me today. My work friends said they would take me out, but my mother told me I wasn't allowed. I think that I'm tired of listening to what they have to say. I'm a responsible adult who just wants a night of fun. I'm not reckless, but I just want a night like every other teenager has all of the time. I feel so pressured into not doing anything that might disappoint them. Surprise--- it is now LEGAL for me to drink. You didn't know that I did it before... but now I have the right to, as long as I am not unintelligent about it. SO LET ME GO.

It's not even about drinking tonight. It's about knowing that I actually matter to the people that I want in my life. Sure, you can post "Happy Birthday!" on my Facebook... but if you make no effort to tell me that I mean something to you through your actions on my birthday, then maybe I need to re-evaluate our friendship.

And sure, this is completely petty. I should be thankful that I am still alive. That I have a job. That I have the opportunity to gain a higher education. That I don't have to fear for my life when I walk out the door. That I don't have to worry about my next meal or freezing at night. But a part of me is still empty. Missing.

I don't know what I need to fill it... but being so depressed on a day that is supposed to be celebrated is the worst feeling in the world.

What I would give to hang out and watch a movie with you right now....

Was so much fun. It's kind of crazy that doing something dumb and boring like watching movies could be so fun. I had a really good time, and I hope that it didn't seem like I wasn't enjoying myself. I would lay with you all day if I could!

My one regret was not kissing you because I wanted to!