do you ever think about how little Michelangelo cared
All right, everyone, grab a chair and sit back because Iām going to share with you what I learned about Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel in my Art History Class.
The man NEVER wanted to paint the damn thing. But the pope at the time āforced him toā According to my teacher. Michelangelo hated this man, I MEAN REALLY HATED HIM. So did a majority of people. The popeās nickname translated literally means āTerrible popeā.
And the working conditions were awful. He had to work on his back with all that paint, which is filled with some toxic shit that gave Michelangelo a limp for the rest of his life. (Also, our teacher made us get on our backs and try drawing with both hands JUST to prove how bad and uncomfortable it is.)
At the time, the ceiling was so high, you could barely see it. You need binoculars to get a good look at whatās up there, by the time people could see the paintings, there was a lot of weird symbolism that Michelangelo hid up there.
This one? The creation of the sun and moon? God is mooning you. And the pope and all others after him prayed under that without knowing.
This one? At the time, dissecting was sacrilegious and everyone found out how behind God was what looked like half a brain. blah blah, science, science, that pissed everyone off.
And also, ALLLLLLL the men and women in the Sistine Chapel are all on fucking steroids. My teacher described the womenās bodies as āMen bodies with boobs slapped on.ā
And then there is this:
Now this is the back wall. Michelangelo actually wanted to paint this one after he finished the ceiling. (and there was a different pope too, I believe.) However, originally, EVERYONE in that painting was naked. And they didnāt like it. Adam and Eve naked? Thatās cool. But Jesus? Now you crossed the line. So the pope at the time hired someone else to censor it and give the important figures clothes. He worked on it for 6 or 9 months before he died.
And then the symbolism in this one is great. Somewhere in the right, there are homosexuals in heaven. (No matter what, the Vatican will say āThose straight men are happyā Iāll get to that in a second), Michelangelo painted himself near Jesus, and the terrible pope is in hell with a snake biting his balls.
And if you were to point ANY of this out to the Vatican, they will deny all of it and claim Michelangelo was a catholic hero. In fact, when they discovered the symbolism around the 60s or 70s, the guy who told the Vatican was kicked out of the Vatican for life.
TL;DR: Michelangelo hated the pope and made the best āfuck youā of all time.
YO. ALL OF THIS^. Michelangelo was hella grumpy all of the time. It was fantastic.
However, as beautiful as this commentary is, Iām gonna make a little correction. The Pope isnāt the one in hell getting his balls bitten; that guy is actually the Papal Minister of Ceremonies a the time, Biagio de Cesena.Ā
See, when Michelangelo was painting this, as you said, lots of people were uncomfortable with all of the nudity (especially because the Last Judgement [back wall mural] was painted much later when nudity in religious art was even more controversial than before), but the dude who was the angriest was de Cesena.Ā
He was so angry that he reportedly burst in on Michelangelo while he was working (which is already a big no-no because Michelangeloās requirements for working were mostly āfuck the hell off and leave me alone or else I quit and I will stab you in the eye with my paintbrush/chiselā.). He then proceeds to tell Michelangelo that this fresco is disgusting and obscene and shame on him etc etc. He also referred to it as āi stui di nudiā, which means āA stew of nudesā which is one of the best descriptions of a thing ever, if you ask me.Ā
So Michelangelo, probably on the cusp of homicide is like āThank you for the notes. Now get the fuck out,ā and de Cesena reluctantly does.Ā
Later, he comes to see the finished product and finds that Michelangelo had painted his portrait down in Hell to represent the Minos, King of the Dead. He has the ears of an ass and the above described crotch biting snake:
Upon seeing this and being enraged, de Cesena went to the Pope to demand that it be changed and that Michelangelo be punished. However, the Pope was SO incredibly done dealing with Michelangeloās snark, tantrums, and general hatred of the world and everyone in it, that he didnāt want to do shit.Ā
The Popeās response to him was literally to say āAs Pope, I have a lot of influence on Earth and up in Heaven, but I have no jurisdiction in Hell. Youāre shit out of luck.āĀ
And it stayed.
Michelangelo, grade A artist, snark master, and professional dick.
My art hero right there lol
All of the above reasons are why I love Michelangelo with a passion. Ā
Michelangelo, Patron Saint of Tired Artists
