The Fennec Who Loved Sunflowers

Some take my ex’s phone. The three times in one convo I had to shut his shit down.

Anyway I work in advertising. Nothing life or death nothing crazy. I like my company but my manager and my boss hate me. In that way that they hate my work and they just hate me as a person. I don’t think it has anything to do with race but they are white and I am black. I’m not sure what I did but be me.

Fast forward to today. I have a few days I want to take off in December to go home. 3 days to be exact. And 3 days in January. The rest of days are holiday PTO. My manager lets me know that the three days I want in January are really tough days to take. Meanwhile he’s taking two full weeks in January to go to Iceland with his bf. I completely understand taking and using your days. Work, as non life threatening as it is, is maddening. Use your days but don’t make me feel like shit for using mine especially when I’m just going home. I let them know I can call into all calls and work from home the days in January but I hate my job. There’s a worthlessness that sits on you when you know you’re boss hates you. I need to quit but I need this job.

I’m truly getting happier. I just hate thanksgiving. I haven’t had a thanksgiving dinner in 16 years… why start now?

Dear person who cares to read,

You can call me Elle. I’ve been going through a lot lately. A lot more than I think I can talk through here. A lot more than I think I’m willing to acknowledge. A safe start, would probably be my situationship with my ex. I’ll leave it at ex, because I was never his gf. Not really. Not a wife. Anyway, he texts me this morning saying he can’t be what I need and after I recovered from the gutting, I realized that I was just asking to feel loved. He loves me. I know he loves me but everything else with us is an active method of boredom. He loves me but he doesn’t miss me when I’m gone. He doesn’t kiss me. He doesn’t hug me. I’ll admit, I’ve only recently fallen out of love with love. I know the shit in the movies isn’t real and I wasn’t looking for it, certainly not from him but it is something I notice we didn’t have. He has an ex. The girl he plans on spending the rest of his life with and I just know that he misses her. He hugs her. He kisses her. Worships her. Makes her feel loved. His friends feel loved. Whatever happens with us is him settling for not having her. I think when I ask to feel like I matter, the reason he decided to cut me off, he feels like if he gives me anything more, he’s betraying her. Or he’s leading me on. My mom always told me, it’s not the job of the loved to feel love. You can acknowledge someone’s love. You can see it. But love is a choice you constantly make to make someone feel loved. I’m realizing, as I go through life, it’s fundamentally hard for me to be loved. Family abandons me, and friends and of course I never say this shit to anyone because honestly, I believe people are better off without me. Yes, I have a good heart. I’d give and give for the people I love but my lows are shitty. I know they make me unloveable. So no, I don’t blame my ex. He never wanted to love me, couple that with the fact that no one can actually love me, I knew this would be sooner than later. I know he’s happier with his friends. He says he’s hoping this will help me but he knows I have no one. He knows my health is trash. He knows he’s the one who benefits from not being in my life, so I let him push me out because he finally has good friends and maybe it’s working out with his ex or someone else and I’m probably going to be dead by the end of the year anyway if my health continues since I’ve completely drained my savings now. I can’t afford my meds. This was for him. He wants to fuck other women and love them without worrying about how that hurts me. I’m not dumb and I’m not selfish. I won’t stand in the way of that. But reader, why could no one ever love me? Just love me. Without making me feel like a burden. Without wanted to black and blue me. Why is it so hard to love me?

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